Do you believe in family first?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage and have been making sure we really know each other well before getting engaged. I asked him if he believes in family first, and he said no. he believes in making himself happy first, so he can be happy for his family.

Curious what others think of this approach? Is it best to be family first? Or self first?

[Anonymous]

Family first in terms of what? If he is the sole breadwinner and wants a relaxing vacation but you want to take 3 young kids to Disney, you want him to put the family first and go to Disney?

[Anonymous]

Hmm I guess that depends on what that actually means in terms of day to day actions and behaviors.

I do think it’s crucial to prioritize your own happiness and well being but I think this typically also benefits the family (ie working out, pursuing hobbies, eating well, spending time with friends and family etc). The issue is when what makes you “happy” is something that actively hurts your family (excessive drinking,drugs,gambling,spending most of your free time away from your kids).

No one wants a martyr crushing themselves into the ground in the name of making their family happy but you also have to find a way to balance your wants with those of your family.

So what does he mean when he says prioritize himself?

[Anonymous]

I think the follow-up question is at whose expense he believes in making himself happy.

Adults need to exercise, for example. But is his vision he goes to play golf every Sunday afternoon for six hours and *you* stay with the kids, or is his vision he goes to play golf every Sunday afternoon for six hours and *you* go hiking every Sunday afternoon for six hours and a six hour weekend babysitter is a household expense. One version is exploitative and selfish (and not uncommon) and one version is not, but still may not align with the idea of “family first”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the follow-up question is at whose expense he believes in making himself happy.

Adults need to exercise, for example. But is his vision he goes to play golf every Sunday afternoon for six hours and *you* stay with the kids, or is his vision he goes to play golf every Sunday afternoon for six hours and *you* go hiking every Sunday afternoon for six hours and a six hour weekend babysitter is a household expense. One version is exploitative and selfish (and not uncommon) and one version is not, but still may not align with the idea of “family first”.

Ya if you're seeing signs that you'd be a good widow, I’d seriously consider bailing. Golfers and marathon runners generally don't make good husbands or fathers. Having witnessed those marriages first hand, I think most people would be better off single than with avid golfers or marathon/iron man athletes.

[Anonymous]

He's not even trying to LIE during the courtship stage. That's a red flag right there. OP are you giving off desperate vibes or willing to settle?

[Anonymous]

At least he's being honest unlike many of us in bait-and-switch situations. If you don't want kids, then no problem. Kids......probably a problem.

[Anonymous]

How old are you both? Answers are different if you are 25 vs 55.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe in family first as you write it. It's not as black and white. Don't put toxic family first.

[Anonymous]

The correct answer to this to make it couples first. Too many women want to put the children ahead of their spousal relationship and then are shocked when the marriage crumbles.

[Anonymous]

While I believe in self care and breaks as an adult, the idea of happiness first is a bit ridiculous when you have, say, a newborn, or your spouse is dealing with a terminally ill parent. That's just being an adult, the basic necessities of paying your bills and meeting your responsibilities come first.

[Anonymous]

I think if you are still talking in poorly defined cliches like “family first” and he still thinks that difficult choices in marriage and parenting are about “happiness” neither of you has the maturity for this. If you’re young I would just take some more time. If the biologic clock is ticking loudly maybe there is someone on the outside who can help?

[Anonymous]

"first" is a problematic mentality, as it implies a "last". Who wants to be last?

I definitely look for partners and friends who value the health of the relationship instead of prioritizing their own gain. Adults shouldn't be chasing "happiness" so much as fulfillment, pride of purpose, and their own integrity. "Happy" is something you can make for yourself, often by doing the right thing. Self-esteem is built with esteemable acts, not "self-care" like golf trips and spa days.

I wouldn't want to be with a partner who didn't understand the need to protect the whole, the family, over prioritizing the self. That's immature.

[Anonymous]

You ought to communicate more specifically. As you can see by the responses on this thread, the interpretation of the question matters. Don’t set him up with vague questions; give him real life scenarios and see what he says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the follow-up question is at whose expense he believes in making himself happy.

Adults need to exercise, for example. But is his vision he goes to play golf every Sunday afternoon for six hours and *you* stay with the kids, or is his vision he goes to play golf every Sunday afternoon for six hours and *you* go hiking every Sunday afternoon for six hours and a six hour weekend babysitter is a household expense. One version is exploitative and selfish (and not uncommon) and one version is not, but still may not align with the idea of “family first”.

Ya if you're seeing signs that you'd be a good widow, I’d seriously consider bailing. Golfers and marathon runners generally don't make good husbands or fathers. Having witnessed those marriages first hand, I think most people would be better off single than with avid golfers or marathon/iron man athletes.

I get your point, but that’s a generalization. My husband and I both love golf and play together once a month, at least. I am also happy to stay with out kids while he plays golf, as he stays with the kids when I go to get massages/pedicures/go to the gym/go out with friends.