Do you believe in family first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the follow-up question is at whose expense he believes in making himself happy.

Adults need to exercise, for example. But is his vision he goes to play golf every Sunday afternoon for six hours and *you* stay with the kids, or is his vision he goes to play golf every Sunday afternoon for six hours and *you* go hiking every Sunday afternoon for six hours and a six hour weekend babysitter is a household expense. One version is exploitative and selfish (and not uncommon) and one version is not, but still may not align with the idea of “family first”.

Ya if you're seeing signs that you'd be a good widow, I’d seriously consider bailing. Golfers and marathon runners generally don't make good husbands or fathers. Having witnessed those marriages first hand, I think most people would be better off single than with avid golfers or marathon/iron man athletes.

I get your point, but that’s a generalization. My husband and I both love golf and play together once a month, at least. I am also happy to stay with out kids while he plays golf, as he stays with the kids when I go to get massages/pedicures/go to the gym/go out with friends.

That sounds like a reasonable arrangement. My friend, who got divorced because she hated being a golf widow, never saw her husband. He worked, and he played golf. He was completely checked out of their marriage and their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family first in terms of what? If he is the sole breadwinner and wants a relaxing vacation but you want to take 3 young kids to Disney, you want him to put the family first and go to Disney?

I’m firmly in the camp that taking 3 kids to Disney will end up being more relaxing than whatever alternative DH is imagining in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While I believe in self care and breaks as an adult, the idea of happiness first is a bit ridiculous when you have, say, a newborn, or your spouse is dealing with a terminally ill parent. That's just being an adult, the basic necessities of paying your bills and meeting your responsibilities come first.

+1 he seems self-indulgent to me, OP

There is also a pause of life thing. Right now I have two young kids (preschool age). Obviously I can't just do whatever makes me happy whenever I want. As others say, there are responsibilities as an adult.

Do we try to structure our lives so there is balance and everyone's needs are met as much as possible? Also yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While I believe in self care and breaks as an adult, the idea of happiness first is a bit ridiculous when you have, say, a newborn, or your spouse is dealing with a terminally ill parent. That's just being an adult, the basic necessities of paying your bills and meeting your responsibilities come first.

+1 he seems self-indulgent to me, OP

There is also a pause of life thing. Right now I have two young kids (preschool age). Obviously I can't just do whatever makes me happy whenever I want. As others say, there are responsibilities as an adult.

Do we try to structure our lives so there is balance and everyone's needs are met as much as possible? Also yes.

Sorry I meant "phase of life," not pause although it can feel that way sometimes!

[Anonymous]

What does family first even mean? Martyring yourself so your family is happy? That's a dumb idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does family first even mean? Martyring yourself so your family is happy? That's a dumb idea.

But women have been doing it for centuries. Sometimes I think if I could have a second chance at life, I'd avoid family life altogether

[Anonymous]

Ew giant red flag. Run away.

[Anonymous]

I too think this is a giant red flag. One of the things that you cannot even begin to foresee prior to having kids is the millions of tiny ways you have to put aside your own wants and needs to preserve the peace of the whole. Especially when kids are young, it will require not just one parent, but BOTH parents put aside their own needs to meet the needs of the family. Homeboy is ALREADY telling you that he's gonna be looking out for #1. Which will end up meaning that if you want things taken care of, you will ALWAYS be putting your needs aside. Girl, run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not even trying to LIE during the courtship stage. That's a red flag right there. OP are you giving off desperate vibes or willing to settle?

Him telling the truth is the opposite of a red flag. Now op knows he puts himself first ahead of his theoretical family. Unless op is misunderstanding what he means, they are not a good match values wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"first" is a problematic mentality, as it implies a "last". Who wants to be last?

I definitely look for partners and friends who value the health of the relationship instead of prioritizing their own gain. Adults shouldn't be chasing "happiness" so much as fulfillment, pride of purpose, and their own integrity. "Happy" is something you can make for yourself, often by doing the right thing. Self-esteem is built with esteemable acts, not "self-care" like golf trips and spa days.

I wouldn't want to be with a partner who didn't understand the need to protect the whole, the family, over prioritizing the self. That's immature.

This. What does he value and want to create together verses his priority list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The correct answer to this to make it couples first. Too many women want to put the children ahead of their spousal relationship and then are shocked when the marriage crumbles.

Good point; however, the children's well being must come first. You shouldn't sleep through midnight feedings, you shouldn't abuse, and you shouldn't neglect children to put yourselves first. The kids will have a bad childhood if the parents are at odds, so definitely keep your marriage strong, but remember the kids don't ask to be born. Presumeably you have them to strengthen your marrital bond, this is where family first comes into play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family first in terms of what? If he is the sole breadwinner and wants a relaxing vacation but you want to take 3 young kids to Disney, you want him to put the family first and go to Disney?

What does Disney have to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"first" is a problematic mentality, as it implies a "last". Who wants to be last?

I definitely look for partners and friends who value the health of the relationship instead of prioritizing their own gain. Adults shouldn't be chasing "happiness" so much as fulfillment, pride of purpose, and their own integrity. "Happy" is something you can make for yourself, often by doing the right thing. Self-esteem is built with esteemable acts, not "self-care" like golf trips and spa days.

I wouldn't want to be with a partner who didn't understand the need to protect the whole, the family, over prioritizing the self. That's immature.

This. What does he value and want to create together verses his priority list.

Exactly. Also op learn to have a conversation and evaluate the person as a whole and not ask stupid questions you found on TikTok

[Anonymous]

Huh? You both need to get more specific with your expectations. Good way to work on communication