Reply to Advice for being in the passenger seat of DH and FIL dysfunction?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have a similar situation with a sibling. They also play this "cut people off" game whenever they feel the slightest challenge or criticism of their behavior. They've done it since their teens, are now in their retirement years and are STILL doing it.

It doesn't change. Because that is who they are. Your DH needs to come to this realization. The father he wishes he had doesn't exist and never will. Subjecting himself to his father's abuse (and I do consider this abuse) isn't hurting anyone but himself.

FIL does this because he is getting his narcissistic supply from your DH - looking for DH to initiate contact and come crawling back to him. It's a pure power trip.

FIL will never apologize or even acknowledge his own role in this dysfunction.

If you look up "vindictive narcissist" you will find many behaviors that may hit home relative to your FIL.

The last time my sibling pulled this I called bluff. I did not go crawling back or initiate contact. I never will. It's been years now and I have ZERO regrets as her malignant behavior no longer affects me, my DH or my family anymore.

The fact is we all know there are nasty, evil people in the world. Sometimes they are your own family members. Doesn't mean you need to welcome evil into your lives.

The most important thing you can do is acknowledge his pain that his father causes him and let him know you have his back.

Eventually it may sink in to his deepest consciousness and he will let go when he needs to.[/quote]
Thanks for your reply. I just looked it up and “narcissistic injury” sounds spot on. What you said about the slightest criticism or challenge, spot on. That’s exactly what he’s dealing with.

DH has some stories from his childhood where he admits that he couldn’t count on his father. I want to ask him, that 5yo, 10yo, 15yo boy knew his father couldn’t be counted on, so why is the 50yo man still holding out hope? He will NEVER change. I don’t know how to say this without being hurtful. His therapist has pointed it out in the past, but I don’t know if it’s my place to reiterate it. [/quote]

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