MIL forgot my birthday amidst her pettiness

[Anonymous]

DH and his mom have a strange, strained relationship. If it weren’t for me, there would be no remembering of birthdays, bad Christmas gifts, etc, and although ILs would never admit it, they know it’s true. MIL is currently playing this passive aggressive game with DH over something ridiculous and they are at this standoff where they aren’t speaking.

My birthday was the 26th and it just dawned on me that MIL didn’t send her usual correspondence, and I’m a little ticked off. I didn’t do a thing to her. If the roles were reversed, not even the cashier at the grocery store would be spared from hearing that her DIL ignored her on her birthday.

Part of me wants to blow up her phone with a rant, but the logical part of me knows this was likely intentional and she would love that I’m upset. But I am upset, I do think it’s petty, and the double standard can’t be ignored.

Would you say anything and if so, when, and what?

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn’t say anything.

[Anonymous]

This is your sign to drop the rope. You know, the rope you never should have picked up in the first place. You should have recognized and respected that your husband has chosen not to observe these kinds of niceties, probably because she is so petty and vindictive, and he’s had to deal with that for decades.

Drop the rope. Don’t insert yourself. Stop. If he’s not making an effort, and his parents aren’t making an effort, why are you? Stop. Just stop. Really.

[Anonymous]

You’re an adult. It’s okay if your MIL does not acknowledge your birthday this year or any other year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your sign to drop the rope. You know, the rope you never should have picked up in the first place. You should have recognized and respected that your husband has chosen not to observe these kinds of niceties, probably because she is so petty and vindictive, and he’s had to deal with that for decades.

Drop the rope. Don’t insert yourself. Stop. If he’s not making an effort, and his parents aren’t making an effort, why are you? Stop. Just stop. Really.

This.

[Anonymous]

Grow up. Everything isn’t about you.

[Anonymous]

I have a good relationship with my MIL and she doesn’t always text on my bday. So what?

If you need to think of it like this: won’t it be fun to be the bigger person? But that works only if you never speak of it.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. I would do and say nothing about it to her.

I would casually mention to DH that it is time he take over gifts and cards for his side of the family.

Then step back. I would still send a simple happy birthday text on her birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re an adult. It’s okay if your MIL does not acknowledge your birthday this year or any other year.

And I’ll add, it’s ok if you don’t acknowledge hers. And if she kvetches to everyone who listens.. let her! Who the hell cares.

[Anonymous]

I'm on good terms with my MIL but she hardly ever remembers my birthday, or those of my kids. She's elderly and in Europe, and even though she loves us, her world is getting very small. My husband has ADHD (ha, maybe MIL has ADHD too) and never sends any gifts, and barely remembers his relatives' birthdays. I have never done his work for him.

Let it go, OP. You seem extraordinarily petty yourself. Maybe drop the rope on the stuff with your in-laws. They might get angry, but do you care?

[Anonymous]

If you really must say something -- and I don't think you should -- tomorrow send a breezy text about how much you enjoyed celebrating your birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you really must say something -- and I don't think you should -- tomorrow send a breezy text about how much you enjoyed celebrating your birthday.

Oh goodness no. That’s so passive aggressive!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re an adult. It’s okay if your MIL does not acknowledge your birthday this year or any other year.

Absolutely! But this isn’t about that or me, it’s about the principle and the double standard. But I guess PP is correct that it’s time to just drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an adult. It’s okay if your MIL does not acknowledge your birthday this year or any other year.

Absolutely! But this isn’t about that or me, it’s about the principle and the double standard. But I guess PP is correct that it’s time to just drop the rope.

It sounds like she's the sort to implement double standards no matter what. You're just salty that this time it happened to you. So maybe take it in stride and recognize she's never going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you really must say something -- and I don't think you should -- tomorrow send a breezy text about how much you enjoyed celebrating your birthday.

Oh goodness no. That’s so passive aggressive!

+100.