Targeted with hostility- would prefer invisibility
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Anonymous
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I wonder if anyone else feels like this. I live a quiet life in a huge city, and am thick in perimenopause. I’m not overweight or unattractive. I am 50 and pretty grey. I am not depressed. I’m not a provocateur. I’m average. I’m married and wear my rings.
That’s just a backdrop to some disconcerting shit that’s happened lately, including today, where men my age and up, some who admittedly look nuts but others seem stable, go out of their way to be absolutely hostile. In the city a couple of weeks ago a man barked at me to get out of the way on a sidewalk in front of his gf, and he did a stutter step when he saw my tween girl and husband with me. I’ve lived in big cities most of my life, I walk fast, and I was not in the way. Today, during the heat wave, an obese older than me sweating strange man came into the grocer and barked at me and waved his hands before the automatic doors even closed on him, “move, I need to get in there” (tight space with the citrus). It was startling and I said I’m getting what I need - my phone was in my hand with my list. He immediately called me an ahole and the c word, on and ON in full view of male employees, who looked on and later said something apologetic. It was just so disconcerting. I expected for the world to not see me. I expected less to be seen and mistreated for existing. I was clueless about this. Maybe no one reading feels like this but if you ever feel down with this kind of encounter, I do too and I’m sorry if you’ve experienced what I have! |
Anonymous
| I think there is general socialized disdain for middle aged women. It really sucks, OP. Sorry you experienced that. |
Anonymous
OP and yes that’s it. I’m light skinned too and while I agree that some women did sh!tty rotten things as captured in viral videos leading to “Karen” as an insult, that’s not what’s happening. I’m not being called that, but that as a thing seems to be very broadly misapplied where every middle-aged white or whiteish woman is, forgive me, sus. My mom isn’t white and she didn’t experience this, from our conversations, but she did more driving and less walking to and fro, my dad did more of the shopping, so maybe there was less opportunity to run into these bastards! |
Anonymous
| I think OP just ran into some crazy rude people. 50 isn't very old says the 74 year old. |
Anonymous
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You’re a very good writer OP. Therefore I know exactly what you’re talking about and I have experienced this too.
Not -quite- as hostile. More of an obvious, outward irritation that I exist and I’m standing in the space at the farmers market, where they think they should be standing. In front of the first berries of the season. Deep, heavy sighs and foot tapping —things like that. I live in one of the wealthiest, most self-important ZIP Codes in the United States and I’m sure there’s a correlation |
Anonymous
| Never experienced this. You sound incredibly dramatic |
Anonymous
We probably live different lives. |
Anonymous
The last point is interesting. |
Anonymous
Agree. |
Anonymous
Exactly. Lots of mental illness around nowadays. |
Anonymous
I’m not white and was out and about a lot more as a 20-something and therefore was on the receiving end of a lot of strange comments. Not so much now as a middle aged person. I sometimes wonder if the women who complain about the hostility/invisibility in middle age got so much praise in youth that it never occurred to them that the world is full of weirdos. |
Anonymous
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Hmm.
I am a 50 year old white women and have never experienced this. I do think I am super aware of the space I'm taking up though and not inadvertently being in someone else's way. Probably to a fault. I don't really understand the stutter step part of your story. Are you implying the man realized you were with a husband and child and then felt bad he had yelled at you? |
Anonymous
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It's possible those were just randomly hostile people but also: would those same randomly hostile people have yelled at a man? Probably not. Would they yell at a younger woman or a child? Probably not. So I do think OP might be onto something, where being a woman in middle age makes people think you are fair game.
I have not experienced this but I have encountered smaller hostilities as I've entered middle age. People just seem shorter with me, I get worse customer service, I sometimes feel like I'm being condescended to at work in a way I haven't felt since I was just starting out and knew nothing. It's often very subtle and I don't really realize it until later, like I'll see the same person interact with my husband or someone else and notice a shift and wonder if it's my age and appearance. But I agree that I don't necessarily feel invisible, so much as unwelcome. Like "no, not YOU" and people just wanting me to go away or leave them alone even when I'm doing something normal like ordering lunch or discussing something that is 100% my job in a meeting. I've also started to wonder if I unintentionally treated middle aged women this way when I was younger. I don't think so but it seems so unconscious for many people... I probably did, without realizing it. |
Anonymous
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Too many people are damaged now.
It may have nothing to do with you except you don't look threatening |
Anonymous
My age helps me totally and blissfully ignore this I.might even go slower. I'm old, you know |