SIL bankrupted ILs: Awkward family gathering in July

[Anonymous]

SIL (DH’s Sister) has made one terrible financial decision after another. Just declared bankruptcy again, foreclosed house, spent her kids college funds, etc. she asked ILs (80s) for a bailout and would pay back when her house sold. She overpriced house and it sits on the market for 18 months - now it’s in foreclosure.

Haven’t spoken to SIL since this started. DH texts her once in a while. ILs are broke and we’ve been helping them cover what their fixed income can’t.

Family gathering coming in July. Help me NOT say something terrible to her. She is in denial and my ILs have not told her about their financial situation because “it would worry her too much.”

So, what do I say? Do I just ignore the elephant?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Ignore it very hard. Don't do anything to make it not awkward, though. They should all feel the awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL (DH’s Sister) has made one terrible financial decision after another. Just declared bankruptcy again, foreclosed house, spent her kids college funds, etc. she asked ILs (80s) for a bailout and would pay back when her house sold. She overpriced house and it sits on the market for 18 months - now it’s in foreclosure.

Haven’t spoken to SIL since this started. DH texts her once in a while. ILs are broke and we’ve been helping them cover what their fixed income can’t.

Family gathering coming in July. Help me NOT say something terrible to her. She is in denial and my ILs have not told her about their financial situation because “it would worry her too much.”

So, what do I say? Do I just ignore the elephant?

1. There is nothing you can say to her that will change her situation or behavior.
2. You are her next bail out project. Be careful that the money you are giving your in laws is not funneled into her pocket. Your DH should try to get visibility into his parent’s credit rating, mail delivery status, and accounts if possible. SIL may try to open credit cards with them jointly or get them to mortgage their house to funnel more money to herself.
3. Do not give her any money. Do not make a big deal about giving your in laws money, this will only alert her to another source of funds.

[Anonymous]

I find this all very sad. Stay out of it, OP. I’m sure it’s hard enough without you chiming in.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to engage with this nonsense? Let your husband go without you. I would not waste my time giving tacit approval to this dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

She’s not the problem; they are.

[Anonymous]

Of course you ignore it. What good will saying anything do?

I get it, I have a similar train wreck SIL. All I can do is be nice to her poor kids when they visit. Which they do every summer, for as long as she will let them, and cry when they have to go back to her alcoholic, bipolar, unstable situation. It’s pretty awful but I never say anything negative about her to them or anyone. It won’t help.

[Anonymous]

What makes her make those bad decisions? They don't appear out of nowhere. Why her problem?
You saying something doesn't fix anything. DH helping her not to make the decision long ago would have helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL (DH’s Sister) has made one terrible financial decision after another. Just declared bankruptcy again, foreclosed house, spent her kids college funds, etc. she asked ILs (80s) for a bailout and would pay back when her house sold. She overpriced house and it sits on the market for 18 months - now it’s in foreclosure.

Haven’t spoken to SIL since this started. DH texts her once in a while. ILs are broke and we’ve been helping them cover what their fixed income can’t.

Family gathering coming in July. Help me NOT say something terrible to her. She is in denial and my ILs have not told her about their financial situation because “it would worry her too much.”

So, what do I say? Do I just ignore the elephant?

1. There is nothing you can say to her that will change her situation or behavior.
2. You are her next bail out project. Be careful that the money you are giving your in laws is not funneled into her pocket. Your DH should try to get visibility into his parent’s credit rating, mail delivery status, and accounts if possible. SIL may try to open credit cards with them jointly or get them to mortgage their house to funnel more money to herself.
3. Do not give her any money. Do not make a big deal about giving your in laws money, this will only alert her to another source of funds.

This. Don’t say a word to her - but your husband needs to make sure his parents shit is in order.

[Anonymous]

SIL bankrupted SIL.

ILs bankrupted ILs, not SIL

[Anonymous]

So IL give SIL money, so now you are giving your IL's money. Oh no. Wouldn't put up with that.

It is a slippery slope. You are giving a little money now, which leads to more and more money later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL bankrupted SIL.

ILs bankrupted ILs, not SIL

This

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming SIL has a mental health disorder that has been left untreated and that in-laws could never find it in their heart to cut her off (especially if she has kids?).

I agree with others that given your in-laws' propensity to help their daughter, you need to pay specific bills, not send them money for general funds.

Remind your husband that you do not want your joint hard-earned income going to support SIL. There's drama brewing in the future for you, OP, because it's clear SIL will ask her brother, and he might be inclined to give her money...

[Anonymous]

^ I see that she has kids. This is usually the primary reason why relatives continue to help ne'er-do-well parents - for the sake of their kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, what would you do in the presence of a someone, say a neighbor you don't enjoy. You'd say a few sentences of small talk and move on to talk to other people