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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Boyfriend told me to “shut the F up”
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Anonymous
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My boyfriend of a year recently told me to “shut the f up”. He had been drinking when he said it. We were having a convo about his dog, who he loves deeply like family. Recently he’s been being more strict with her, making her wear a muzzle, keeping her leash tighter, etc. I suggested he lighten up and little and told him whenever I watch her she’s well behaved.
Then he told me to “shut the f up”. He said as someone who’s never owned a dog I’m not an expert on the matter, and that he would be devastated if she died or hurt someone, so he was doing what he saw fit. I’m good with him doing what he wants. I didn’t feel super strongly about my views, just was offering them up. He’s never spoken to me like this before. He is very sweet with me, faithful, and we’ve been discussing getting married. I had an abusive relationship in the past that started with my ex talking to me like that constantly, then escalated to hitting, so I’m super sensitive. Afterwards I told him how I felt and that I never want either of us to speak like that. He apologized and said he didn’t mean to hurt me and it won’t happen again. How big a deal is this? |
Anonymous
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Well, that's awful.
I've been married to my wife for twenty years and have never, ever said that to her. To me, it's s deep sign of disrespect. |
Anonymous
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The way to be with a man who treats you will is to never accept being treated poorly. I would leave immediately.
It’s entirely valid for him to point out that you do not have dog experience and therefore he is not going to take your suggestions. However it is not acceptable for him to talk you in this manner. Do you want your kids to be raised by a man who treats them this way whenever things get tough? Absolutely not. If you accept poor behavior by staying with him, you are giving permission for it to continue. Move on and find a man who has better emotional than a 3 year old. |
Anonymous
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I'm not sure what you expect from an angry drunk.
And the dog needs a gentle leader or a harness, not a nighter lead. And a training class. |
Anonymous
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If you’re otherwise inclined to stick around you need to mentally commit to no more strikes - anything more and you’re out.
It’s not great - but some guys speak that way to their friends, especially when drinking, and when drinking may have forgotten where he was. That said if he said it with real vitriol and anger/meanness, I’d take it as a pretty big warning sign |
Anonymous
| That was not okay. You should consider if you want a man to treat you that way. I would not. |
Anonymous
Counterpoint: everyone makes mistakes. I’ve heard worse from my wife. |
Anonymous
| Sounds fake but if not, why are you with him? |
Anonymous
| You don't care for the way he is treating you or the way he is treating his dog. The signs are there, time to exit. |
Anonymous
No one should be spoken to like that by a loved one. It is abusive. |
Anonymous
| OP, you are choosing this man? This is on you. |
Anonymous
Glad you’re perfect. But with mere mortals, they make mistakes. The whole picture matters and context matters. |
Anonymous
Not for me. I know that I will never be with a man who speaks to me this way. So when dating partners did, I left until I found one who does not have temper tantrums like a child. |
Anonymous
| I’ve been married 25 years and my husband has never said anything remotely like that to me. Having it said to you (in the context of a low stakes convo) while dating is a big, big red flag. |
Anonymous
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Why is the dog wearing a muzzle?
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