Split parents in AL or keep together?

[Anonymous]

My parents are no longer able to live independently and I don’t know what to do. My house has lots of stairs and isn’t really big enough so they can’t live here. My father has dementia and asks the same question every 5 minutes if he’s not at home. My mother is mentally sound but in bad physical health. My father has a very modest pension and based on what I’ve seen online, they can’t afford AL together. I’m not sure what to do. I’m an only child but have three young kids of my own to take care of.

[Anonymous]

Of course they should stay together. Think how much worse your dad would get if he can't find your mom and remember why he's somewhere new and she isn't there!

[Anonymous]

No, DEFINTELY try to keep them together. It is SUCH a blessing your mom is of sound mind. That way she can look out for your dad and make sure the caregivers aren't abusing him. It's good to have one person in the couple who is mentally sound even if that person is disabled. Because she can tell you what is going on. Please keep them together.

[Anonymous]

NP. That may be true, but OP is saying that they can no longer live in their own, and there they cannot afford to AL for both of them. She may not have a choice.

There are less expensive ALs - called group homes - you can call a placement agency like “Owl Be There” and see what your parents’ budget can afford. They could also help you find a caregiver agency.

But if you have to split them up, which parent would go to AL - your mom with the physical limitations or your dad with the cognitive issues? Is he functionally independent and mobile? Would he need a locked unit? What daily activities does your mom need help with? If sge is cognitively intact, what is she saying she wants to do?

I’m so sorry, OP. This sounds like a very difficult situation, and all too common.

[Anonymous]

^sorry for typos

[Anonymous]

PP again.

Basically, there are only a few options: AL (always private pay, and a spectrum of prices, depending upon whether it’s in a facility or a group home), nursing home (usually after a health crisis, where someone goes to rehab under their Medicare benefit, then transitions to long-term care when they can’t safely return home), caregiver support in the home, or sweat it out as they have been.

With very limited income, there may be a group home that can accommodate both parents - but it’s tricky if someone has dementia and is still mobile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. That may be true, but OP is saying that they can no longer live in their own, and there they cannot afford to AL for both of them. She may not have a choice.

There are less expensive ALs - called group homes - you can call a placement agency like “Owl Be There” and see what your parents’ budget can afford. They could also help you find a caregiver agency.

But if you have to split them up, which parent would go to AL - your mom with the physical limitations or your dad with the cognitive issues? Is he functionally independent and mobile? Would he need a locked unit? What daily activities does your mom need help with? If sge is cognitively intact, what is she saying she wants to do?

I’m so sorry, OP. This sounds like a very difficult situation, and all too common.

OP here. Thank you. I really don’t know what to do. Dad is functionally independent and in pretty good physical health, but mental capacity is not there. However, he is very clear that he does not want to leave their house. My mother is at the point where she needs to be in assisted-living. He does not cook or clean and never has, and she is at the point where she cannot physically do these things anymore. Their house is literal squalor from not having been maintained. I wish now that I had insisted on stepping in on that earlier, but I didn’t know it would end up like this. I really don’t think I could leave my father in the house alone, but not sure what else I can do.

[Anonymous]

What does your mom want?

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry that you are in this situation, OP. I am praying that you get a nice and affordable group home for your parents soon, and they can be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. That may be true, but OP is saying that they can no longer live in their own, and there they cannot afford to AL for both of them. She may not have a choice.

There are less expensive ALs - called group homes - you can call a placement agency like “Owl Be There” and see what your parents’ budget can afford. They could also help you find a caregiver agency.

But if you have to split them up, which parent would go to AL - your mom with the physical limitations or your dad with the cognitive issues? Is he functionally independent and mobile? Would he need a locked unit? What daily activities does your mom need help with? If sge is cognitively intact, what is she saying she wants to do?

I’m so sorry, OP. This sounds like a very difficult situation, and all too common.

OP here. Thank you. I really don’t know what to do. Dad is functionally independent and in pretty good physical health, but mental capacity is not there. However, he is very clear that he does not want to leave their house. My mother is at the point where she needs to be in assisted-living. He does not cook or clean and never has, and she is at the point where she cannot physically do these things anymore. Their house is literal squalor from not having been maintained. I wish now that I had insisted on stepping in on that earlier, but I didn’t know it would end up like this. I really don’t think I could leave my father in the house alone, but not sure what else I can do.

I don't think you could have stepped in on that earlier. As parents age physically, they also age cognitivally and emotionally. Do you think they would have listened to you? No.

We all should make these decisions between 60-65 yr of age and start decluttering our lives so that we can be minimalists and stay for longer in our homes. Our adult children should not have to discuss this with us. Also, sell your home and buy a bigger home with your kids, so that you all can live together and have your own space too. If all the generations pool their resources together in a shared household, then you can afford to outsource cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping as well as someone driving your parents to medical appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your mom want?

I don’t think she knows. She’s not someone who has been deliberate about exercising agency over her life.

[Anonymous]

I understand that your dad has dementia. Does he still have capacity to make decisions? It’s possible to have dementia but still be considered to have capacity, if it’s early. Are you his POA?

I would call one of those placement agencies - there’s no cost to you and no obligation. I remember there was controversy about A Place for Mom, but they have successfully placed a few of my patients. Owl Be There is another, as is Oasis Senior Advisors (and there are a bunch more). You will tell them your parent’s situation and budget, and they will share any options. They see situations like this all the time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe if someone has had a good experience with one of the agencies, they can share.

[Anonymous]

My parents are no longer able to live independently and I don’t know what to do. My house has lots of stairs and isn’t really big enough so they can’t live here. My father has dementia and asks the same question every 5 minutes if he’s not at home. My mother is mentally sound but in bad physical health. My father has a very modest pension and based on what I’ve seen online, they can’t afford AL together. I’m not sure what to do. I’m an only child but have three young kids of my own to take care of.

This is tough. Do they have any long term care policies? Do they own property? It may be time to sell and use those funds, you may eventually hit medicaid if you spend it all down. I agree with using a placement agency to start. If they can share a room in AL it would be less expensive than one in memory care and one in AL for sure, but if your father's dementia progresses he wont be allowed to stay in AL and will have to move to memory care if he wanders, becomes aggressive, etc. In home care will be prohibitive.

[Anonymous]

Your dad should go into a nursing home with memory care under long term care Medicaid.