Help me state this nicely

[Anonymous]

For the last 5 years my sisters have decided that we are having a joint father's day celebration.

I have not attended as 1. Our father is dead. 2. I don't have children. 3. I view this as a thing to be celebrated by the actual children and wives.

They want to make it a universal celebration of all father's in the family.

This year we did a joint mothers Day celebration as requested by them so they could have mothers Day in their own with their families. I did go to that because our mom is still living.

Sisters are now pouting because as usual I'm not going and mom has decided to skip father's day. This year.

They don't do well with being told no and now it's become a guilt trip of life is short and family needs to celebrate.

I want to keep firm in my decision but also say I think it's fine to do other things.

Help me.

[Anonymous]

Time to lose the nice, OP.

"Larlas, are you aware that I am not married and do not have children? Why on earth are you forcing me into a celebration of your husbands? You are not being sensitive. Stop being selfish."

And if they call you names or whatever, don't respond and don't go.

[Anonymous]

Why worry about being perceived as nice? They are being rude in not taking no for an answer. Look pushy people do not give a hoot about nice, they see it as malleable and an opening to crack your resolve. They react poorly to directness because it takes away their opening to push and get their way.

I’d respond. No is a complete sentence.

[Anonymous]

They're having a family get-together and are making sure to include you?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re resentful because you don’t have children. Are you jealous of your sisters for that? Do you resent them for that? Or did you make the decision not to have children entirely freely and on your own accord?

[Anonymous]

You say that your father is dead, so you're not celebrating Father's Day.

[Anonymous]

If they were having a get together with their families on a day that was not Father's Day, would you go? If so why not go for a get together that happens to be on Father's Day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to lose the nice, OP.

"Larlas, are you aware that I am not married and do not have children? Why on earth are you forcing me into a celebration of your husbands? You are not being sensitive. Stop being selfish."

And if they call you names or whatever, don't respond and don't go.

You sound very bitter.

We have children who have children and children who don’t. We have children who don’t have children because they chose not to, and we have children who don’t have children partly at least because the decision was not entirely theirs.

Everyone always invites everyone else to any, shall we say, beyond the nuclear family event regardless of marital or child status. Everyone recognizes that everyone merits an invitation regardless, and beyond that the nieces and nephews love the childless aunts and uncles regardless - and vice versa.

Why can’t you just treat the event as a good excuse for an extended family get together? Why does it have to be so loaded?

[Anonymous]

Is everyone local or do you have to travel?

[Anonymous]

You choose who and what makes you feel guilty. So of you feel comfortable in your decision to skip it, just skip it.

Being in social relationships is all about balance. You do what you can when you can, you say no to the rest.

[Anonymous]

Your sisters sound really weird. They force their husbands to spend fathers days with their in laws but the elder father is dead? Super strange.

It sounds like the sisters just like throwing parties where they can be queen bees and demand attendance while being praised for their hosting. Are they narcissists?

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m a DW of almost 30 years and 3DC - all young adults. My own father died years ago. DH contends that Mothers Day and FD are “Hallmark holidays” but makes a point to visit his own (local) parents on their respective days to celebrate with them.

He goes solo! I stopped going along because the truth was, it was an emotional day for me when my dad was ill, then dying and then gone. Again, this was a while ago but my excuse of having FD be entirely too fraught with anxiety and emotion gives me a lifetime pass to “celebrate” with my FIL.

Feel free to use my excuse.

[Anonymous]

I do think it's odd you don't want to go. Do you not like and appreciate the work your bils do for your nieces and nephews. Regardless, just say thanks for the invite and that you can't join.

[Anonymous]

Lifetime pass to NOT celebrate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Time to lose the nice, OP.

"Larlas, are you aware that I am not married and do not have children? Why on earth are you forcing me into a celebration of your husbands? You are not being sensitive. Stop being selfish."

And if they call you names or whatever, don't respond and don't go.

You sound very bitter.

We have children who have children and children who don’t. We have children who don’t have children because they chose not to, and we have children who don’t have children partly at least because the decision was not entirely theirs.

Everyone always invites everyone else to any, shall we say, beyond the nuclear family event regardless of marital or child status. Everyone recognizes that everyone merits an invitation regardless, and beyond that the nieces and nephews love the childless aunts and uncles regardless - and vice versa.

Why can’t you just treat the event as a good excuse for an extended family get together? Why does it have to be so loaded?

Hi Smug Grandma,

Because OP feels her sisters won't take no for an answer, and that they're generally pushy and tone-deaf. Therefore OP needs to be crystal clear, and if she ruffles feathers in order to get her point across, that's fine.

You seem to not understand that it's OK for relatives to push back firmly against other relatives. I'm sure you do it without thinking in your life, but somehow you think OP isn't allowed to? Get over yourself.