How do I learn to care less?

[Anonymous]

My kid had swim team time trials today and didn’t do as well as I thought she would. I feel disappointed and sad. Why? I’m not the one swimming and I’m proud of her for how hard she’s worked. Likewise when she doesn’t do well in school I feel sad and disappointed. How can I learn to care less and not view these as my own failures? (And likewise not view her successes as my own successes — though so far she hasn’t really had any of those…)

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to value resilience. Think of the benefits of bouncing back from disappointment. You want this for your child. You want her strong. You want to raise her strong.

[Anonymous]

Thoughts are just thoughts, and they come and go. When you notice yourself having thoughts you don’t like, just refuse to engage with them. Let them go. Your mind always has all kinds of thoughts, so if you let these go, other thoughts about different topics will come in to take their place.

[Anonymous]

Therapy.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God it's totally normal to care you don't need therapy or drugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thoughts are just thoughts, and they come and go. When you notice yourself having thoughts you don’t like, just refuse to engage with them. Let them go. Your mind always has all kinds of thoughts, so if you let these go, other thoughts about different topics will come in to take their place.

I agree with this. OP you just need to realize those thoughts are totally normal, but you don't want to act on them. Focus on your actions, not your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

This is 100% not snarky, but first train yourself out of this idea she hasn't had any successes. Maybe not at swimming or school per se, but is she friendly, polite, passionate about something, understands some topic more deeply than you did that age, good at connecting people, doesn't freak out at bad grades, works hard, flexible, and on and on. Who is she? Seeing her as uniquely her is good for both seeing her as successful and separating who she is from yourself. Surely she has some qualities you admire.

[Anonymous]

Just participating regularly in practice is a success. Swimming hard at time trials is a success. If she drops a second in her next race, that’s a success. If she doesn’t but still swims hard, that’s a success too. Does she have fun? Does she make an effort to eat well and get sleep? It’s a marathon. Focus on the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% not snarky, but first train yourself out of this idea she hasn't had any successes. Maybe not at swimming or school per se, but is she friendly, polite, passionate about something, understands some topic more deeply than you did that age, good at connecting people, doesn't freak out at bad grades, works hard, flexible, and on and on. Who is she? Seeing her as uniquely her is good for both seeing her as successful and separating who she is from yourself. Surely she has some qualities you admire.

This. Please see value on who she is and what she CAN do.

[Anonymous]

Wait till she has a *real* challenge at something and then you'll just be happy she is participating in swim. I'm not trying to be snarky or judgy, but having kids go through larger more upsetting setbacks really puts the little things in perspective. Look for the many benefits she is already getting regardless of her times.

[Anonymous]

She does have real challenges — she has several learning disabilities and ADHD. I obviously want her to experience success in life as I have and it’s hard to watch her struggle at everything. Yes I know I need to change my mindset and that’s why I’ve come on this thread asking how to do that. I want to change and I want to be happy for who she is and stop measuring my own worth as a parent based on her achievements.

Also it’s hard not to treat your kids successes/failures as your own when everyone else in the world does. So many parents out there bragging about their kids successes and it’s very obvious they feel as if those successes are their own.

[Anonymous]

All feelings are valid OP.

[Anonymous]

It's ok to be bothered by yours kid not winning. We all want our kids to win. But only a little and don't show it to them. My kid won't make an A meet this year. But she comes to every practice and works so hard. I cheer for her making it second to last in her heats. Realize it's really important for them to know you are proud of them when they don't win too. For the kids who are good at whatever, a lot of their identity is wrapped up in winning and when inevitably they lose (as most kids do who aren't olympians) at something, it s a huge hit. 3rd place winners are happy to place while those in 2nd place are upset they aren't first.

[Anonymous]

Time trials is to put them in the right heats and against the right kids for their speed. You literally shouldn’t care about it.

[Anonymous]

So glad my kids never were in this swim BS. It does not matter in the grand scheme of things. You need to learn to lean way out. Because like most things in life this will not matter in a year.