How do I learn to care less?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my God it's totally normal to care you don't need therapy or drugs.

+1 but this is a total DCUM thing. Someone says something extremely normal for humans and the response is either divorce or therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So glad my kids never were in this swim BS. It does not matter in the grand scheme of things. You need to learn to lean way out. Because like most things in life this will not matter in a year.

Did you read either of my posts? That’s what I’m trying to do! What’s your secret to leaning out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She does have real challenges — she has several learning disabilities and ADHD. I obviously want her to experience success in life as I have and it’s hard to watch her struggle at everything. Yes I know I need to change my mindset and that’s why I’ve come on this thread asking how to do that. I want to change and I want to be happy for who she is and stop measuring my own worth as a parent based on her achievements.

Also it’s hard not to treat your kids successes/failures as your own when everyone else in the world does. So many parents out there bragging about their kids successes and it’s very obvious they feel as if those successes are their own.

Why are you defining success as placing in a sport or grades? That's the real issue. I define success as knowing who she is. All this achievement culture is toxic and The Price of Privilege is a great book that helped me understand that. Many of those high achievers are empty inside especially if forced by their parents into things they don't want to do so the parents either look good or can convince themselves their kid won't be poor or whatever.

I'm not saying you're forcing swimming but to the extent you think of her swimming as your achievement, it's possible it will cause disconnection with her. She needs connection more than she needs measurable "success" as the rest of the world sees it. That's probably especially true if she has some disabilities.

One thing you can do is tell yourself another true story about swimming such as she's getting good exercise or social time. Telling yourself something else true about a situation calms your brain from the worry about the achievement or lack of success."

[Anonymous]

Plus even if she were the top swimmer, that never was your success anyway. She's the one in the water.

[Anonymous]

My DD has always struggled at sports but loves them, and I’ve always wondered what it would feel like to be the parent whose kids win. I know I have to put a decent amount of energy into lifting my kid up after competitions and helping her maintain a healthy mindset about what she’s doing. Sometimes I get curious about what it might feel like to always be celebrating victory and not just showing up. And before someone says “even the best lose and aren’t always happy”, I’ll say that we are on a team where there are a few kids who have always been very successful without the bumps along the way that others experience.

[Anonymous]

OP I will confess that I got way too wrapped up in my under 8 year old's summer swim performance last year. She did pretty well but I cared way too much about her performance relative to her friend. I knew it was ridiculous so I never expressed it to anyone, even DH. Really trying to not be like that this year.

The good news is my DD really does not care about beating this girl. Bad news is the kid has gotten kind of braggy so we will see if that changes this year.

I don't think this is that uncommon. There is a whole thread about summer swim bringing out the crazy. It's an objective sport where there is no question who won. Kind of rare in youth sports really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So glad my kids never were in this swim BS. It does not matter in the grand scheme of things. You need to learn to lean way out. Because like most things in life this will not matter in a year.

Did you read either of my posts? That’s what I’m trying to do! What’s your secret to leaning out?

I'm not PP, but have similar feelings. There really isn't a secret. My kid is happy and healthy. I grew up in a ridiculously high pressure environment and saw the toll it took on myself and my peers. I never wanted DS to experience that.
Things like academics? Yeah we care in the sense of wanting to help DS figure out what can be improved on. Things like sports or other activities? I'll be disappointed if he is, but I'm not disappointed because I'm comparing him to other kids and what they've achieved. It just doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for these responses and I’ll look into that book the Price of Privilege. Sounds like it could have some good lessons for me. I struggle with knowing the right balance — I don’t want to create anxiety but also don’t want her challenges to hold her back if they can be overcome (and I believe they can be).

One thing that’s great about my DD and I do praise her for this all the time is that she works very hard and brings a good attitude to everything she does. She wants to be in the top at swimming and is sad she didn’t do as well as she hoped, but she also just loves being out there swimming the laps and she works hard at it. And she has that attitude with everything she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my God it's totally normal to care you don't need therapy or drugs.

But there’s caring, and there’s ruminating/being so invested that it interferes with everyday life. The former is normal. The latter can absolutely be helped by therapy. Only OP can really say how much help, if any, is needed to deal with these feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP, I saw your post in the other thread.

Keep in mind that the hard work your kid is willing to put in (in swim or math) will serve her as well as any swim time or math score.

That discipline is SO valuable!!

[Anonymous]

I think of kids sports as a mechanism for exercise, fresh air, learn sportsmanship, and make friends outside of school. So if she’s doing all those things I would consider her a success…

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a LOT of academic pressure- I also did very well academically, but always felt like it wasn’t enough. I also tested very well on standardized tests etc.

I never want to put that pressure on my kid, but my initial thoughts when she does well, but not 99th percentile well, is not something I’m proud of. But I then regroup and get a grip. It’s that regrouping that’s important.

I saw this quote - and I think it was intended to apply to not-so-unconscious bias, but I also think it fits in with handling our expectations for our kids:


“The first though that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think. What you think next defines who you are”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thoughts are just thoughts, and they come and go. When you notice yourself having thoughts you don’t like, just refuse to engage with them. Let them go. Your mind always has all kinds of thoughts, so if you let these go, other thoughts about different topics will come in to take their place.

This OP. I'm not the best at it, but this is mindfulness and it will address what you are talking about and help you emotionally detach. The thoughts are valid, the feelings are valid, but you get to decide what you do with them. Since you don't want them, you note them and let them go.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP and I appreciate these posts so much, thank you! I've never heard that quote from above:

"The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think. What you think next defines who you are”

I really do think/hope it applies here too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So glad my kids never were in this swim BS. It does not matter in the grand scheme of things. You need to learn to lean way out. Because like most things in life this will not matter in a year.

Did you read either of my posts? That’s what I’m trying to do! What’s your secret to leaning out?

NP here. Get off of swim team. Those parents are SO intense. I have so many friends who are very nice people but turn into lunatics at the pool during swim/dive season. I try to avoid the pool until August when it's all over. There are so many sports/activities that are so much less intense and stressful.