Dragging her feet on estate planning

[Anonymous]

I am a second-generation daughter to an immigrant mom who is now 81. I am one of 3 daughters and the only daughter that lives locally in MD. The relationship with my mom and sisters is not the best due to various cultural and SES issues. I am the one with the most financial resources while also carrying a large load of encumbrances (private secondary and college kids). My mom lives alone and is starting to show signs of dementia and confusion. I just finished helping her unravel an MVA insurance violation on her vehicle, because she didn’t realize the insurance lapsed. (And yes I explained to her that she might want to stop driving and she refuses)

I could use some advice on planning her affairs gradually. However, my mom is very passive and doesn’t directly share her plans, I am thinking she wants us to ask her to come live with us. My gut says not a good idea, but culturally the guilt of putting her in a facility is weighing on me.

I have told her based on the circumstances surrounding her car insurance issue, that she should make one of us POA and I don’t care if it’s not me. I send her videos and research info on the process, she says ok and that she wants to designate me, but keeps coming to me to put out all her”fires” and not making progress on starting the planning process. So I am not even sure she would want to talk to an attorney, she is being stubborn. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

She’s not stubborn she’s old. Make an appointment with an attorney and take her.

[Anonymous]

1. Please don't call your children "encumbrances".

2. Old people lose executive function and simply can't figure stuff out like they used to. Sure, maybe they're anxious or stubborn or whatever, but most of all, their brains don't work well and they cannot control their loss of memory, reasoning skills and organizational capacity.

3. If you want the POA, you'll have to basically show up with papers that she signs. Which means that you have to make the effort, pay the lawyer, etc, until you have access to her accounts and can manage her finances.

4. Does she have enough money for a nursing home/memory case? It costs a fortune.

5. Once she's too impaired to drive, you will purloin the car keys, take out the battery, whatever it takes to ensure she doesn't kill someone on the road.

[Anonymous]

You will have to do it all, I am afraid. And if she signs, you should consider yourself lucky.

I am sorry, I know this sucks, but you will have to go through it one way or another.

[Anonymous]

It's the loss of executive functioning. She'll tell you what you want to hear in the moment, but she's not really capable of doing the things you want her to do. That's why she couldn't deal with the car insurance thing. You have to prep the POA docs yourself. It's not that complicated, you can do it. I know this sucks but this is what it means to have cognitive decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Please don't call your children "encumbrances".

2. Old people lose executive function and simply can't figure stuff out like they used to. Sure, maybe they're anxious or stubborn or whatever, but most of all, their brains don't work well and they cannot control their loss of memory, reasoning skills and organizational capacity.

3. If you want the POA, you'll have to basically show up with papers that she signs. Which means that you have to make the effort, pay the lawyer, etc, until you have access to her accounts and can manage her finances.

4. Does she have enough money for a nursing home/memory case? It costs a fortune.

5. Once she's too impaired to drive, you will purloin the car keys, take out the battery, whatever it takes to ensure she doesn't kill someone on the road.

OP here…I appreciate your advice. I didn’t mean to refer to my kids as being a burden, I was typing too fast, replace kids with tuition. No she does not have the money for a nursing home long term and neither do we…I know it is very expensive. I will ask my hubby to work some magic disabling her car…thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the loss of executive functioning. She'll tell you what you want to hear in the moment, but she's not really capable of doing the things you want her to do. That's why she couldn't deal with the car insurance thing. You have to prep the POA docs yourself. It's not that complicated, you can do it. I know this sucks but this is what it means to have cognitive decline.

Thanks…I will do my best with the POA…I sent her some info today and she said she would take some notes, but you are absolutely right about telling me the things I want to hear. I don’t want her to think I am just pulling the rug out from under her. I want her to advocate for herself.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I get the cognitive decline part, but my mom’s personality has always been meek and passive. My husband’s grandmother meticulously planned all her affairs over time into her early 80s, down to what her outfit should be in her casket. We still talk about her and how grateful we were that she took control of all of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the loss of executive functioning. She'll tell you what you want to hear in the moment, but she's not really capable of doing the things you want her to do. That's why she couldn't deal with the car insurance thing. You have to prep the POA docs yourself. It's not that complicated, you can do it. I know this sucks but this is what it means to have cognitive decline.

Thanks…I will do my best with the POA…I sent her some info today and she said she would take some notes, but you are absolutely right about telling me the things I want to hear. I don’t want her to think I am just pulling the rug out from under her. I want her to advocate for herself.

It sounds like she just does not have the capacity to lead the process. Take her at her word that she's willing to sign it, and prep it for her. It's lovely that you want her to have autonomy and never be pressured, but at a certain point, that's just not how it works. You're very lucky that she's willing to sign, and you should get it done as quickly as possible before she loses the ability to consent.

[Anonymous]

You are lucky she is meek and passive.
My dad is like that and I just do what I need to do and he agrees and signs and comes along.

You need to lose your mom’s car keys and take her to a lawyer or have her sign stuff at a notary public (which is what I did, just stuff from Rocket lawyer).
You are the boss now. Forget about “autonomy” or whatever other fantasies you have about her.

[Anonymous]

POA stops at death so it’s not the same thing as estate planning. Two different things. Get a will drawn up naming an executor or you’ll be dealing with probate and even more sibling issues.

[Anonymous]

Take advantage that she's meek and passive now, OP. With cognitive decline, this could change. You don't want a combative cantankerous elder on your hands, but if you end up with one, best to get everything signed away before they turn nasty. PP is correct, a will is needed as well. Consult with a lawyer first, so that all the documents are airtight.

[Anonymous]

Grateful to all of you for your help…makes me realize I’ve inherited a bit of my mom’s passiveness. All of your advice and sense of urgency is a wake up call and I am on it!

[Anonymous]

2nd generation Indian immigrant here. You describe my mom. Except, my mom has ALWAYS been like this. We try to come up with the plan and at the last minute she sabotages it.

Right now, it's dementia, but I am convinced there was some type of personality disorder or bipolar in there.

I say this because if any of this resonates, you will need to make it happen. Hire a travel notary so they come to the house. That way she can't refuse to go somewhere. If you haven't already done so, see if she will add your name to her bank account. If she refuses, you will need to wait for POA. Start looking for elder care lawyers now who can advise.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2nd generation Indian immigrant here. You describe my mom. Except, my mom has ALWAYS been like this. We try to come up with the plan and at the last minute she sabotages it.

Right now, it's dementia, but I am convinced there was some type of personality disorder or bipolar in there.

I say this because if any of this resonates, you will need to make it happen. Hire a travel notary so they come to the house. That way she can't refuse to go somewhere. If you haven't already done so, see if she will add your name to her bank account. If she refuses, you will need to wait for POA. Start looking for elder care lawyers now who can advise.

Best of luck!

And I hear you on the guilt. It took a lot of therapy for me to understand that placing my mom is a skilled nursing facility was the best decision.