Dragging her feet on estate planning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2nd generation Indian immigrant here. You describe my mom. Except, my mom has ALWAYS been like this. We try to come up with the plan and at the last minute she sabotages it.

Right now, it's dementia, but I am convinced there was some type of personality disorder or bipolar in there.

I say this because if any of this resonates, you will need to make it happen. Hire a travel notary so they come to the house. That way she can't refuse to go somewhere. If you haven't already done so, see if she will add your name to her bank account. If she refuses, you will need to wait for POA. Start looking for elder care lawyers now who can advise.

Best of luck!

OP, it's nice you want to "take charge" but you need to be absolutely, 100 percent transparent with your siblings every step of the way.

If you don't, expect there will be huge family blow-outs and maybe even accusations by siblings of of money-grabbing and undue influence.

[Anonymous]

^ I had such an experience over a sibling's estate which was not more than $7k TOTAL.

The other sibling hired an attorney for ridiculous reasons, simply because they didn't have complete CONTROL and used that as an axe to grind over other long-held sibling issues.

Trust me. Those siblings of yours can turn into your worst enemies over virtually nothing. Especially after death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd generation Indian immigrant here. You describe my mom. Except, my mom has ALWAYS been like this. We try to come up with the plan and at the last minute she sabotages it.

Right now, it's dementia, but I am convinced there was some type of personality disorder or bipolar in there.

I say this because if any of this resonates, you will need to make it happen. Hire a travel notary so they come to the house. That way she can't refuse to go somewhere. If you haven't already done so, see if she will add your name to her bank account. If she refuses, you will need to wait for POA. Start looking for elder care lawyers now who can advise.

Best of luck!

OP, it's nice you want to "take charge" but you need to be absolutely, 100 percent transparent with your siblings every step of the way.

If you don't, expect there will be huge family blow-outs and maybe even accusations by siblings of of money-grabbing and undue influence.

This is OP. I totally get the frustration of not being in the loop on important matters concerning your parent. But it is interesting that I get no empathy, financial or moral support as the sole caregiver to our mother. They are very quiet when the holidays (or anytime of the year) roll around and she is waiting for an invite to visit with them and her grandchildren. They are not the one who she is frantically calling when random issues arise. My sisters are more than welcome to “take charge” of my mom’s day to day needs.

Right now they get best effort on transparency. My attention needs to remain as it always has been on my mom, her quality of life and wellbeing. In addition, I have a family life so my plate is quite full. When my sisters suddenly wake up and become vocal and concerned when they hear the cash register ringing I will have to deal with that fallout when it comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd generation Indian immigrant here. You describe my mom. Except, my mom has ALWAYS been like this. We try to come up with the plan and at the last minute she sabotages it.

Right now, it's dementia, but I am convinced there was some type of personality disorder or bipolar in there.

I say this because if any of this resonates, you will need to make it happen. Hire a travel notary so they come to the house. That way she can't refuse to go somewhere. If you haven't already done so, see if she will add your name to her bank account. If she refuses, you will need to wait for POA. Start looking for elder care lawyers now who can advise.

Best of luck!

OP, it's nice you want to "take charge" but you need to be absolutely, 100 percent transparent with your siblings every step of the way.

If you don't, expect there will be huge family blow-outs and maybe even accusations by siblings of of money-grabbing and undue influence.

This is OP. I totally get the frustration of not being in the loop on important matters concerning your parent. But it is interesting that I get no empathy, financial or moral support as the sole caregiver to our mother. They are very quiet when the holidays (or anytime of the year) roll around and she is waiting for an invite to visit with them and her grandchildren. They are not the one who she is frantically calling when random issues arise. My sisters are more than welcome to “take charge” of my mom’s day to day needs.

Right now they get best effort on transparency. My attention needs to remain as it always has been on my mom, her quality of life and wellbeing. In addition, I have a family life so my plate is quite full. When my sisters suddenly wake up and become vocal and concerned when they hear the cash register ringing I will have to deal with that fallout when it comes.

That’s the right attitude. The siblings sound like mine. Caught up in their own drama. Let me guess. Your mom helped them the most while you were seen as very independent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2nd generation Indian immigrant here. You describe my mom. Except, my mom has ALWAYS been like this. We try to come up with the plan and at the last minute she sabotages it.

Right now, it's dementia, but I am convinced there was some type of personality disorder or bipolar in there.

I say this because if any of this resonates, you will need to make it happen. Hire a travel notary so they come to the house. That way she can't refuse to go somewhere. If you haven't already done so, see if she will add your name to her bank account. If she refuses, you will need to wait for POA. Start looking for elder care lawyers now who can advise.

Best of luck!

Thank you for your helpful feedback. I hope all is well with your mom. I have an appointment coming up with an attorney. So I will definitely use the travel notary if she is resistant to coming along. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd generation Indian immigrant here. You describe my mom. Except, my mom has ALWAYS been like this. We try to come up with the plan and at the last minute she sabotages it.

Right now, it's dementia, but I am convinced there was some type of personality disorder or bipolar in there.

I say this because if any of this resonates, you will need to make it happen. Hire a travel notary so they come to the house. That way she can't refuse to go somewhere. If you haven't already done so, see if she will add your name to her bank account. If she refuses, you will need to wait for POA. Start looking for elder care lawyers now who can advise.

Best of luck!

OP, it's nice you want to "take charge" but you need to be absolutely, 100 percent transparent with your siblings every step of the way.

If you don't, expect there will be huge family blow-outs and maybe even accusations by siblings of of money-grabbing and undue influence.

This is OP. I totally get the frustration of not being in the loop on important matters concerning your parent. But it is interesting that I get no empathy, financial or moral support as the sole caregiver to our mother. They are very quiet when the holidays (or anytime of the year) roll around and she is waiting for an invite to visit with them and her grandchildren. They are not the one who she is frantically calling when random issues arise. My sisters are more than welcome to “take charge” of my mom’s day to day needs.

Right now they get best effort on transparency. My attention needs to remain as it always has been on my mom, her quality of life and wellbeing. In addition, I have a family life so my plate is quite full. When my sisters suddenly wake up and become vocal and concerned when they hear the cash register ringing I will have to deal with that fallout when it comes.

That’s the right attitude. The siblings sound like mine. Caught up in their own drama. Let me guess. Your mom helped them the most while you were seen as very independent?

Bingo! How have you dealt with your siblings?

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. In the earlier stages of dementia my mom simply could not face decisions or paperwork. It was overwhelming to her. So expecting your mom to do it is unrealistic. I had to essentially take charge. We worked with an attorney to draft a new will (based on an old, outdated one when she was still married). When it was said and done (and we used a mobile notary for final signing!), I sent a copy to my sibling. The attorney ensured that she understood everything, but I needed to be there to guide. I am REALLY glad we did this in the early stages so there is clarity on what she wants. We also did a regular medical AND a dementia directive (highly recommend) and durable POA. Please do these things now. Discuss last wishes (fortunately my mom had prepaid for cremation and knows what she wants after her passing).

aside from estate planning:

Be aware that being the primary caregiver is often a thankless task. I am not only POA for my mom but handle everything: the move out of her home, overseeing renovations (from afar) because sibling wanted to rent and not sell (a mistake as it turns out, we could have sold at a high point in the market and erased any cap gain taxes within a year or two, but they are waiting for mom to die), I have moved her across country, manage all her finances, health, emotional and to the extent possible physical needs, spent hours in the hospital with her at various time, bought and altered many new clothes as her size changed; personal care ( cut her nails; put her compression hose on her; etc); check in with her caregivers daily and visit every other day; bring her treats and have had to move her three times: first across the country to AL (and yes, I packed everything, sold what I could, donated the rest, in a house she had lived in 50 years); then from AL to memory care in the same place, and finally to a new, higher need memory care. All while working full time and parenting two teens and helping my spouse with the care of his mother who just passed. Sibling (who does not have spouse or kids) visits 1x/year at my insistence and has not called since december. Yet when my mom is upset, I am the target (I am the one neglecting her, etc). And, at the end of the day, if there's any money left (at 10k/month that's less and less likely) it will be split equally (though I get the family jewels--lots of gold pins!). At this moment, I am not particularly resentful--I am proud of myself for taking responsibility--but I have had to learn how to establish emotional and time boundaries, including letting memory care handle a lot of things and deciding not to feel guilty on days that I am too tired or busy to visit or when I cannot take her out even if she wants it. The other rule is that sibling gets no say in her care. Not that he has ever opined, but the person doing the work is the one who needs to make decisions. If your siblings start to criticize decisions, invite them to take over and watch them scurry away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck OP. In the earlier stages of dementia my mom simply could not face decisions or paperwork. It was overwhelming to her. So expecting your mom to do it is unrealistic. I had to essentially take charge. We worked with an attorney to draft a new will (based on an old, outdated one when she was still married). When it was said and done (and we used a mobile notary for final signing!), I sent a copy to my sibling. The attorney ensured that she understood everything, but I needed to be there to guide. I am REALLY glad we did this in the early stages so there is clarity on what she wants. We also did a regular medical AND a dementia directive (highly recommend) and durable POA. Please do these things now. Discuss last wishes (fortunately my mom had prepaid for cremation and knows what she wants after her passing).

aside from estate planning:

Be aware that being the primary caregiver is often a thankless task. I am not only POA for my mom but handle everything: the move out of her home, overseeing renovations (from afar) because sibling wanted to rent and not sell (a mistake as it turns out, we could have sold at a high point in the market and erased any cap gain taxes within a year or two, but they are waiting for mom to die), I have moved her across country, manage all her finances, health, emotional and to the extent possible physical needs, spent hours in the hospital with her at various time, bought and altered many new clothes as her size changed; personal care ( cut her nails; put her compression hose on her; etc); check in with her caregivers daily and visit every other day; bring her treats and have had to move her three times: first across the country to AL (and yes, I packed everything, sold what I could, donated the rest, in a house she had lived in 50 years); then from AL to memory care in the same place, and finally to a new, higher need memory care. All while working full time and parenting two teens and helping my spouse with the care of his mother who just passed. Sibling (who does not have spouse or kids) visits 1x/year at my insistence and has not called since december. Yet when my mom is upset, I am the target (I am the one neglecting her, etc). And, at the end of the day, if there's any money left (at 10k/month that's less and less likely) it will be split equally (though I get the family jewels--lots of gold pins!). At this moment, I am not particularly resentful--I am proud of myself for taking responsibility--but I have had to learn how to establish emotional and time boundaries, including letting memory care handle a lot of things and deciding not to feel guilty on days that I am too tired or busy to visit or when I cannot take her out even if she wants it. The other rule is that sibling gets no say in her care. Not that he has ever opined, but the person doing the work is the one who needs to make decisions. If your siblings start to criticize decisions, invite them to take over and watch them scurry away.

PP, I really hope you take the time you need for yourself to recharge. You are a very strong person. I am thanking you for everything you have done for your mom and the other members of your family. I also thank you for sharing this detailed blueprint, it is extremely helpful to me as I move forward. When siblings are MIA maybe it’s a good thing, because the independent sibling can just do what they need to do and there is essentially only one cook in the kitchen.