Volitile dad and impact on kids under 10

[Anonymous]

We have family friends and the father is incredibly moody, aggressive and volitile. The wife does her best to diffuse at all times. They have 3 kids under 10. What are the long term ramifications of growing up in this environment? My child does not like to be around him and is very scared of him.
I’m very good friends with the wife but I’m at the point where we can’t hang out with them anymore for my own and my child’s well being. But that selfishly makes me very sad because we love hanging out with the wife and kids. He openly berated his wife in front of us the other day and then I tried to diffuse and he picked a fight with me, so we left.
But I feel like he somewhat wins because he further isolates his wife from her friends.
At the end of the day, I want to be supportive but I’m very worried for them. Any advice on what I can do? Maybe this isn’t for this forum. But I am very concerned about his kids growing up like this and what the long term impact is on their mental health.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce. If you can't do that, he must be medicated, in therapy, and go into anger an anger management program

[Anonymous]

It's not her husband. It's her friend's husband.

OP can you just invite the mom and the kids over or to do an activity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not her husband. It's her friend's husband.

OP can you just invite the mom and the kids over or to do an activity?

Yes but then he gets mad if they stay too long. Nothing seems to ever end well. Luckily he likes to golf a lot so he’s gone a decent amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a divorce. If you can't do that, he must be medicated, in therapy, and go into anger an anger management program

It’s not me but this is great advice for her. He needs all of this.

[Anonymous]

It’s terrible for the kids, but you know that.

Be there for her in whatever way doesn’t make him worse, and be the spot she can go with no judgment. When she is ready to escape, you want her to call you. So no badmouthing him now bc it will cause a bigger rift. (It’s hard to feel like he can abuse her without consequences, but she has to be the one deciding when she is ready.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a divorce. If you can't do that, he must be medicated, in therapy, and go into anger an anger management program

Proof there is a bot on every family-related post ready to suggest divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s terrible for the kids, but you know that.

Be there for her in whatever way doesn’t make him worse, and be the spot she can go with no judgment. When she is ready to escape, you want her to call you. So no badmouthing him now bc it will cause a bigger rift. (It’s hard to feel like he can abuse her without consequences, but she has to be the one deciding when she is ready.)

This is the answer. It just is.

Give her dignity — especially since he isn’t giving her any. Be gentle, because she will need gentleness. Try not to judge, if only because your judgement won’t help her or the kids. Be a soft place for her to land — in small ways now, and hopefully in big ways later. Pretend you get along with him if you have to. Be honest when she asks what you think, or even if she floats some trial balloons, but be careful. Pushing her too hard might just push her away, and then she’ll be even more isolated.

This is very tricky stuff. I had a friend who was in this situation for a long, long time. She’s out now, but it took years. It’s very hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Will cause life time trauma and damage.

[Anonymous]

Why are you meddling in their personal business when you’re visiting?

[Anonymous]

Truthfully I don't think it's that bad for your kids to be exposed to him as long as you are present and supervising. I had a college roommate who I swear had never met anyone who didn't speak to her like a preschool teacher. She melted down at the slightest tone.

I think it would have really helped her to see a parent model how to draw boundaries and respond appropriately when someone is aggressive towards them. If you are capable of being a good role model, there is value in your kid having some occasional exposure. It's not the same as growing up in that house and you'll always be present. Leaving is okay if it ever escalates.

[Anonymous]

If any man was angry at me, I cried, well into my 30's. I was never able to become close with my father, even now late in my 40's. By the time I was a teenager I didn't respect him because despite being a control freak, he couldn't control his anger, his temper. I was physically afraid to be alone with him, to walk past him, etc. It was embarrassing when he'd scream at my mom in front of other people. He did this at my grandmother's home, on an airplane, stores, etc.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a kind, fun, generous and warm person. He also had a terrible temper and would yell at mom in front of relatives and other guests. He must have seemed like a maniac. My mom deeply resents him and felt his behavior was abusive and threatened to divorce often. She was a terrible nag and often taunted him. Their whole dance was like a toreador and a raging bull. As a child I would restrain my dad and comfort my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will cause life time trauma and damage.

If he’s like this in front of non-family he’s likely worse in private, ie extremely abusive. If you can get the wife alone, just ask how are you, is everything going ok and if she doesn’t say anything it just means she’s not ready to talk and definitely not ready to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a kind, fun, generous and warm person. He also had a terrible temper and would yell at mom in front of relatives and other guests. He must have seemed like a maniac. My mom deeply resents him and felt his behavior was abusive and threatened to divorce often. She was a terrible nag and often taunted him. Their whole dance was like a toreador and a raging bull. As a child I would restrain my dad and comfort my mom.

He was a maniac, no matter how annoying your mom was. Sorry you grew up with two parents who couldn’t control their emotions.