How to help my daughter through this disappointment and build resilience?
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Anonymous
| I've been pretty worried about my daughter for the past month or so. She's 15 and back in January, she and her friend auditioned for a summer theater program. About a month ago, she found out that the friend was accepted and will be attending while she was rejected. I went ahead and signed her up for a different theater program like we had discussed as her "back up" but my daughter has been very sad since. She has been spending way more time in her room, says "I don't care" to almost very question I ask her, and said that she was going to drop out of her school's spring play (she didn't drop out). She also goes on these 30 minute crying spells where she is inconsolable. She also is saying she won't go to this other girl's sweet sixteen which is coming up in the beginning of June. I've tried to be really positive and encouraging but this feels beyond normal sadness and I have to admit I am wondering if she needs a therapist...she has always had some mild difficulty with disappointment when things don't go her way (for example, she didn't make a dance team she tried out for and cried about quitting dance for a day or so) but this feels extreme and I'm worried about her future- she has a lot more potential rejection ahead of her and I need to help her build some resilience! What tips do you have? |
Anonymous
| I don't have any tips but dealing with the same. 16 yo stopped going to school due to the fact her "friends" stopped inviting her. I have tried numerous therapists but the quality of them has gone downhill compared to 10-15 years ago. |
Anonymous
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Read the book Mindset with her over the summer. Together. Aloud. Discuss.
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Anonymous
| Your daughter sounds like a spoiled brat. Sorry. |
Anonymous
She really isn't spoiled, she just loves performing and has wrapped a lot of her identity around being a performer. She's generally a kind, hardworking kid so this personality change is concerning to me! |
Anonymous
| Sounds like depression. It could be just situational but in either case, therapy can help. |
Anonymous
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Better to be disappointed now than for the first time as an adult, she’s expressing her disappointment in her own way please don’t encourage her to buck up unless it’s been a week +.
Now let’s talk about the 16-year-old who will not go to school how long is this been going on and how are you getting her schooling done? Is she being homeschooled or is the county/city sending somebody to your home for schooling? |
Anonymous
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Maybe it’s time she find hobbies that are not competitive
Dance is not her thing Theater is not her thing She’s my good enough fur either so how about something she would be good at. Crying fur a few days and saying she’d quit dance is normal after losing out then . This last tryout yes ok to be sad but but the whole I’m not going to my friends birthday is over the top. Time to stop trying out til she can grow up and accept the word no |
Anonymous
| Is she generally incapable of being happy for others? The part where she said she won't go to her friend's birthday party especially stood out to me. |
Anonymous
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Stop being so positive. My mother did this and it drove me nuts that she would never just acknowledge any negative experience or emotion I ever had.
Give her a come to Jesus talk. Tell her to take this long weekend to finish wallowing, but then she needs to accept life, be a good friend to the other girl, work her ass off at Plan B Theatre, and move on. |
Anonymous
| Is she only this moody at home or is this carrying over to school and other activities? Is she more upset that the friend was accepted or that she was rejected? |
Anonymous
| That is extreme. Is there something else going on? Has your child previously lost out in auditions, competitions, etc? My kid has been playing her instrument since she was little, and is used to winning some and losing some. Now at 15, she would be disappointed to lose out to a friend, but she'd get over it pretty quickly. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, OP. Its hard. I would start by validating - it sucks to not get something you wanted - sorry. I wouldn't make her go the party of her friend or otherwise tell her its fine - its a bummer for her and she can be upset. She can even say she wants to quit theater - you should say it's up to you but if you love, you should keep going
I have a kid in musical theater and its a hard business. You have to accept that you will get way too many rejections. One thing I used to say to my kid is that Brad Pitt is not in every movie - that would be insane. Pick an actress and use that example - you can't do everything but something will work out and some won't and that's the deal with auditions. It might not be for her but if she wants do it, there will be more no than yes. I do think therapy, if she is ok with it, is a good idea to explore the idea of whether she is cut out for the rejections or not and get some strategies, but you can help her with that too. The people I know that quit are not the worst theater kids, they are the kids that have trouble with the competition.... its hard thing and i couldn't do it, but some kids can. |
Anonymous
| A big part of performing theater is rejection. Maybe she should be a playwright or stagehand if she can't handle it. |
Anonymous
Disagree strongly. The friend didn't do anything wrong, and in life you need to learn how to be happy for others' success and help them celebrate--and the birthday party isn't even remotely related to the theatre issue. She's 15/16, plenty old enough to find enjoyment in the happiness of her friends. |