How to help my daughter through this disappointment and build resilience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A big part of performing theater is rejection. Maybe she should be a playwright or stagehand if she can't handle it.

+ A zillion.
Does she know that?
Maybe she could do an online or interview project asking local theater actors about auditions and rejections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. Its hard. I would start by validating - it sucks to not get something you wanted - sorry. I wouldn't make her go the party of her friend or otherwise tell her its fine - its a bummer for her and she can be upset. She can even say she wants to quit theater - you should say it's up to you but if you love, you should keep going

I have a kid in musical theater and its a hard business. You have to accept that you will get way too many rejections.

One thing I used to say to my kid is that Brad Pitt is not in every movie - that would be insane. Pick an actress and use that example - you can't do everything but something will work out and some won't and that's the deal with auditions. It might not be for her but if she wants do it, there will be more no than yes.

I do think therapy, if she is ok with it, is a good idea to explore the idea of whether she is cut out for the rejections or not and get some strategies, but you can help her with that too.

The people I know that quit are not the worst theater kids, they are the kids that have trouble with the competition.... its hard thing and i couldn't do it, but some kids can.

Disagree strongly. The friend didn't do anything wrong, and in life you need to learn how to be happy for others' success and help them celebrate--and the birthday party isn't even remotely related to the theatre issue. She's 15/16, plenty old enough to find enjoyment in the happiness of her friends.

Well, I'm the PP and I feel like OP shouldn't force her to go - do I think she should go? Of course I do and I would state reasons why, but I also like if the kid feels forced, that will be awful. If you want her to learn how to deal with rejection, she needs to be in control of that so she can learn the skill.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if a sleep away summer camp would be a good idea for a week or two this summer - could be theater related or just a traditional camp. I’d also encourage her to get a part-time summer job and volunteering. You need independence and having to rely on your own skill set to really develop confidence and resilience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is extreme. Is there something else going on? Has your child previously lost out in auditions, competitions, etc? My kid has been playing her instrument since she was little, and is used to winning some and losing some. Now at 15, she would be disappointed to lose out to a friend, but she'd get over it pretty quickly.

This poster feels to be closer to what I sense.

I think it is appropriate to try a counselor. It could be feelings of jealousy as well as loss of identity and other things that are hard for her to cope with that’s it. It is important She learn how to deal with big emotions and all the better for you all to get her the professional advice now (versus when she is on her own at college or living on her own).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A big part of performing theater is rejection. Maybe she should be a playwright or stagehand if she can't handle it.

100%. Most of theater is rejection.

[Anonymous]

It's hard -- I have a kid like this. However, we are doing our kids a disservice when we pander to their disappointments. I came of age in the generation where we were told to suck it up, deal with it, and not everyone wins. Learn how to put on a game face and congratulate your friend.

While that is always much easier said than done, it was the expectation. I honestly think kids' mental health is worse today because they are highly supported in their disappointments by being allowed to opt out of plan b or figure out how to make it work. At some point, these kids have to hit their first rejections. She should go to the other camp OR present another option that she can still get into now. Staying home and sulking is not the answer.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need to encourage other interests as well as performing OP. Something that doesn't have to be competitive with other people but she can use to bond with new friends - things just for fun.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the friend was critical to your DD’a acceptance in a social group and if the friend is pulling away. The sweet 16 party and stuff suggests that there’s more going on than just losing out on an audition. Does your DD have a broad friendship group and are there changing social dynamics that you’re observing? In my experience, once sophomore/junior year hit and activities and grades become competitive in anticipation of college, it can upend friendships.

[Anonymous]

She does not need a therapist.

She needs her mother to buck up, stop gaslighting her real feelings and then teach her how to move on.

This is life. It happens. Hopefully the backup plan will work out great for her.

Also, don’t discount teen hormones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop being so positive. My mother did this and it drove me nuts that she would never just acknowledge any negative experience or emotion I ever had.

Give her a come to Jesus talk. Tell her to take this long weekend to finish wallowing, but then she needs to accept life, be a good friend to the other girl, work her ass off at Plan B Theatre, and move on.

Yes, this! I give my kids time to vent and be sad but then I help them put the problem into perspective. But you can’t do that until they’ve had time to wallow.

[Anonymous]

I was exactly like your daughter as a teen, and also loved performing, so I had to put myself out there and handle plenty of rejection in order to participate in the type of activity I enjoyed. I reacted just as she did, because she’s still young and it feels deeply personal even though it actually isn’t quite as she perceives. She doesn’t have the wisdom of age to realize that sometimes results don’t match who did the best audition. The PP who said Brad Pitt isn’t in every film makes an excellent point. We now have the wisdom to know that sometimes results are based on “fit” not necessarily who is most talented. One of the most validating things my mom said to me when I didn’t get a part in the play was that I was actually a better singer than Larla, but Larla looked exactly like the part (and she explained typecasting). It helped me keep my confidence and reframe my perspective. I’m grateful she didn’t just tell me to get over it and buck up buttercup. That wouldn’t have helped me muster the confidence to try again.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t need a therapist, she needs time to wallow. Let her be sad. It’s ok to be sad and disappointed. Those are normal feelings. Like anything else, moving on from rejection takes practice. The more she experiences rejection, the better she will be at dealing with it. And if she quits theatre, who cares? It’s just high school theatre. It’s subjective anyway. Maybe she will find another hobby or sport she likes better

[Anonymous]

she just loves performing and has wrapped a lot of her identity around being a performer.

Ok, so this rejection is probably a good thing to happen. She will direct and develop some of her talents in another direction. One less out of work actor in the future.

[Anonymous]

She should go volunteer in a children's cancer ward to gain some perspective. What a brat!

[Anonymous]

This is so hard.

My daughter tried out for school cheer on a whim - she had danced her whole life but she thought cheer would be fun. I told her without the tumbling skills it would be difficult and she was unlikely to make it.

She didn’t make it but her 3 friends she tried out with did - she was devastated and cried for about a hour.

One of the girls that made it was having a slumber party that night. She got up, washed her face and went to the party. The moment she stepped out of the car she jumped up and down yelling congratulations to her friends. I had never been more proud.

She then spent the next month putting everything into perfecting her dancing. She was more motivated than I had ever seen hers she tried out for the school dance team and made it! And her cheer friends were routing her own the whole way! They are all so excited for each other to be on the cheer and dance squads.

I fully believe failing at cheer motivated her more than ever in dance. Teach your kid that success doesn’t come without failure and to use it to keep trying.