How to deal with larger family after false accusation?

[Anonymous]

After years of holidays and various vacations with in-laws and spouse’s siblings, the cousin group of 9, (ages 18-29) have generally good relationships. At Easter ski rental, I went to make coffee early, and found one of our nephews rummaging around in the kitchen. He looked surprised to see me, but continued collecting things and walked out to his car with them. I didn’t think much of it at the time.

Later his parents, who organized this rental, were notified that several small appliances were stolen and needed to be paid for. They asked their kids if they knew anything about it, and this nephew said our youngest son took them.

It’s a lie. I saw nephew walk out with them; just thought he must have brought them for the week. My kids think he has a sports gambling problem. It’s clear he needs help and his parents will not admit it.

Now my BIl and SIl, who usually organize the rentals for everyone, want our son to reimburse them for the theft they covered, and apologize. They insist that he must be banned from all family gatherings until this is rectified. They will not discuss any other possibilities.

Needless to say my son is hurt. I don’t think the rest of the extended family believes he is a thief, but it makes family gatherings a mess. In-laws have an 50th anniversary coming up, and the accusing family has already arranged to rent a huge lake house for the celebration. The in-laws don’t deserve the grief of this rift, but they’re older and just want things to be “nice” among all. They don’t want to make waves, and honestly, they didn’t create this problem. They’ve otherwise always been kind and inclusive.

I’m not sure what to do. I’ll stay home with my son and let spouse celebrate his parents if he wants. I don’t want to see these people going forward. I am sympathetic to some problems they will eventually have to deal with, but I
don’t want my son to be the punching bag in the mean time.

Do I have to show up at family events that spouse attends? (I have no problem if he goes.) It’s only one of the sibling families.

Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

What on Earth did he steal out of the kitchen that could be resold to pay off gambling debts?

[Anonymous]

I’m confused. Did you explain to everyone in the family that you saw the kid take these gadgets? If not, why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What on Earth did he steal out of the kitchen that could be resold to pay off gambling debts?

OP- nothing probably. He’s in trouble and grabbing at air? I don’t know if that’s the problem. Hoping to give roommates things to hold them off for debt? I really don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Your spouse should make clear he believes and supports his son. He should not go to an event where his kid has been wrongly excluded.

[Anonymous]

I would just not go and be done. No more in-laws! Bliss. Why would you even entertain the thought of playing nice with people who want to exclude your kid and called him a thief? Just no. They'll have fun realizing the thief is the thief when he steals stuff at the 50th anniversary house. Then maybe, possibly, if they grovel, you can accept an apology.

[Anonymous]

PR damage control solution:

You and your husband (who didn't see the theft, correct?) need to tell everyone, including the accusers, that you saw the other person take appliances from the kitchen to his car. It then becomes a "he said, she said" situation, and people will not automatically blame your son. They will be confused. The culprit's parents will probably not believe you, but they won't be able to persuade others.

You all need to show up, without paying, if possible right at the rental house, or by staying at a hotel if need be. I would refuse to bear the consequences of a false accusation. Not showing up will make people believe there's no smoke without fire. You all need to show your face, and be pleasant to everyone, such that people will think it impossible that such a charming family is lying.

[Anonymous]

If you can say for certain that you saw your nephew removing appliances ..

I’d share what your husband and let him triage.

[Anonymous]

that with ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Did you explain to everyone in the family that you saw the kid take these gadgets? If not, why not?

OP - why aren't you answering this question? And why did you not address it in your original post?

Have you told your family the other kid did it or no?


Something is off here.

[Anonymous]

Did you tell bil and sil that you saw nephew taking items? Has your son talked to nephew about how nephew’s false accusation is affecting him? If the other relatives know your son isn’t a thief, why aren’t they standing up for him with bil and sil?

What does your husband say? Is he standing up for your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused. Did you explain to everyone in the family that you saw the kid take these gadgets? If not, why not?

OP - why aren't you answering this question? And why did you not address it in your original post?

Have you told your family the other kid did it or no?


Something is off here.

If OP told them and they are insisting on excluding her son, that is unforgivable. Spouse needs to stand up for his son, FFS.

If OP didn't tell them and has just let everyone believe her son did this, she owes her son big time and needs to make it up to him yesterday by being straightforward now.

[Anonymous]

OP- husband supports son. Spoke with his parents. They believe our son. I’m not sure which other cousins/aunts and uncles know at this point. Husband reserved a separate place for anniversary party. Will show up day of for parents. Older son can do same if he wants or skip it. I’m not interested in making everyone take sides and ruin anniversary party. At that point everyone will know why. Younger son and I will not go; grandparents understand.

Thanks for various suggestions. I support my husband visiting with his family. One family unit with problems shouldn’t prevent being with everyone else.

Going forward, I do not want to spend anytime with the accusing family, even if it means missing Christmas at my in-laws, which has been fun over the years. Hope I am justified in this and it’s not over-reaction.

[Anonymous]

So you haven’t told everyone that you witnessed the nephew steal the items?

I hope you’re a troll.

If not, you’re insane and a horrible mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just not go and be done. No more in-laws! Bliss. Why would you even entertain the thought of playing nice with people who want to exclude your kid and called him a thief? Just no. They'll have fun realizing the thief is the thief when he steals stuff at the 50th anniversary house. Then maybe, possibly, if they grovel, you can accept an apology.

Good point.