Tween girl emotions are wild

[Anonymous]

My 12 yo DD has an objectively great day. Had a really fun class field trip that I took the day off to chaperone (per DD’s request). No homework so 3 of her good friends came over after school and they hung out and we ordered pizza. After the friend left, around 8pm, DD asked if I can take her for ice cream because 2 of her other friends were supposedly going to meet up at our local place. I say supposedly because the friends talked about it before asking their parents, so no clue if they went or not.

I told DD we can’t get ice cream tonight since we had a long day and I needed to put her younger sibling to bed. Immediately a switch flipped and I am so mean, never do what DD wants and always put her younger sibling first. I think she cried for an hour.

How is such a great day is completely erased that quickly? And she doesn’t even know if her friends actually went for ice cream!

Seriously, send help… not sure I can manage another few years of this and I am sure it gets much worse.

[Anonymous]

If she earns an allowance, she could have uber'd to the ice cream shack herself.

[Anonymous]

They feel FOMO acutely at this age. And it sounds like she was overtired.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a selfish brat.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like overtired, hormone or just a bad day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They feel FOMO acutely at this age. And it sounds like she was overtired.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They feel FOMO acutely at this age. And it sounds like she was overtired.

+1

This. It’s super hard to understand as a parent (and tolerate). But when this happens just remember you are the parent, it’s ok to make decisions they don’t like, and they are allowed to be mad about it- as long as they aren’t disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

It didn’t erase the whole day, she will still have good memories of the field trip and the pizza. Especially if you don’t make a huge deal about the meltdown.

Most likely she was tired or hormonal or there was something else at play (friend drama) that she didn’t have control over.

When she’s calm the next day I would talk to her briefly about her reaction to not getting what she wanted. Say “I understand you’re disappointed we couldn’t go, but we aren’t going to fulfill your every wish. Was there something else going on that upset you?” Then try to hold back and reaction or judgment until she stops talking. I have a pretty strong relationship with my older teen and I think it’s because we communicate well. And part of the parent’s role is listening without always reacting.

[Anonymous]

Solidarity. Sounds exactly like my 11 yr old. She does apologize later when she does this kind of stuff which is nice but doesn’t change how hard it is in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It didn’t erase the whole day, she will still have good memories of the field trip and the pizza. Especially if you don’t make a huge deal about the meltdown.

Most likely she was tired or hormonal or there was something else at play (friend drama) that she didn’t have control over.

When she’s calm the next day I would talk to her briefly about her reaction to not getting what she wanted. Say “I understand you’re disappointed we couldn’t go, but we aren’t going to fulfill your every wish. Was there something else going on that upset you?” Then try to hold back and reaction or judgment until she stops talking. I have a pretty strong relationship with my older teen and I think it’s because we communicate well. And part of the parent’s role is listening without always reacting.

The bolded. If you ask in a few days she'll probably remember the good and barely think about the meltdown. It just sticks with you as a parent because you have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It didn’t erase the whole day, she will still have good memories of the field trip and the pizza. Especially if you don’t make a huge deal about the meltdown.

Most likely she was tired or hormonal or there was something else at play (friend drama) that she didn’t have control over.

When she’s calm the next day I would talk to her briefly about her reaction to not getting what she wanted. Say “I understand you’re disappointed we couldn’t go, but we aren’t going to fulfill your every wish. Was there something else going on that upset you?” Then try to hold back and reaction or judgment until she stops talking. I have a pretty strong relationship with my older teen and I think it’s because we communicate well. And part of the parent’s role is listening without always reacting.

Gosh, you are way nicer than me. I would have reminded her I volunteered for the field trip (her request), allowed the friends to come to your home and bought them pizza. I did all of this for YOU, not for me. Show some appreciation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It didn’t erase the whole day, she will still have good memories of the field trip and the pizza. Especially if you don’t make a huge deal about the meltdown.

Most likely she was tired or hormonal or there was something else at play (friend drama) that she didn’t have control over.

When she’s calm the next day I would talk to her briefly about her reaction to not getting what she wanted. Say “I understand you’re disappointed we couldn’t go, but we aren’t going to fulfill your every wish. Was there something else going on that upset you?” Then try to hold back and reaction or judgment until she stops talking. I have a pretty strong relationship with my older teen and I think it’s because we communicate well. And part of the parent’s role is listening without always reacting.

Gosh, you are way nicer than me. I would have reminded her I volunteered for the field trip (her request), allowed the friends to come to your home and bought them pizza. I did all of this for YOU, not for me. Show some appreciation.

That is a terrible way to deal with this and you will end up with a child who doesn’t speak to you when they are grown if this is your approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like a selfish brat.

Yup. You need to teach her manners. But it's a little late in the game. Make her do chores and don't buy her designer clothes and such otherwise she will be a spoiled brat for life. Do you have sons in the house?

[Anonymous]

My 16 yr old is overly emotional and sensitive, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It didn’t erase the whole day, she will still have good memories of the field trip and the pizza. Especially if you don’t make a huge deal about the meltdown.

Most likely she was tired or hormonal or there was something else at play (friend drama) that she didn’t have control over.

When she’s calm the next day I would talk to her briefly about her reaction to not getting what she wanted. Say “I understand you’re disappointed we couldn’t go, but we aren’t going to fulfill your every wish. Was there something else going on that upset you?” Then try to hold back and reaction or judgment until she stops talking. I have a pretty strong relationship with my older teen and I think it’s because we communicate well. And part of the parent’s role is listening without always reacting.

Gosh, you are way nicer than me. I would have reminded her I volunteered for the field trip (her request), allowed the friends to come to your home and bought them pizza. I did all of this for YOU, not for me. Show some appreciation.

Have you read or followed Lisa D’Amour? She’s written books and has a podcast about parenting teens. One of her most helpful tips is to not take things personally. What happened after the field trip was NOT related to the field trip. If she had this tantrum on a regular day, should mom be less reactive? But because mom was generous that day she should be angrier? I’m not the type to excuse my kid’s behaviors, but I do know to not take things personally and I also know that I get more mileage out of the “lesson” part of a conversation when my teens are not still in fight/flight/freeze mode. The next day they are WAY more receptive to discussing appropriate behaviors.

As adults we are not perfect, we should not expect perfection from our kids. 13 IS a tough age-hormonal and brain changing and physically changing.

So far this has worked well with my two teens and we have strong relationships and they are good kids who make good choices. It could be luck, but I also think following an expert’s advice has helped us along the way.