Should I make my teen pay for his tutoring

[Anonymous]

DS goes to private school and had been lax-a-dazzical student. We’ve paid for a year of tutoring and he still gets C’s and D’s, F’s too.

Note, he has ADHD and gets extended time (we also pay for an executive coach too, separately). He still doesn’t get all his assignments done or hand them in, doesn’t go see the teacher to ask for help, and doesn’t study and use all the study skills “tools” he should know by now. I told him he has to oay the balance of the year’s tutoring sessions; he has funds from his summer job.

We were going to switch schools but afraid it would induce depression in him. Overall, he’s a great kid and has nice friends. Nothing motivates him.

[Anonymous]

Is he medicated?

[Anonymous]

lax-a-dazzical!

[Anonymous]

No, get his mental health checked. Its sadly normal at this age. This is not the right school fit.

[Anonymous]

Only if you want to discourage him from getting tutoring, now or in the future. Not a choice I've made for my child for whom school is difficult, but you might have different values.

(It's really hard to ask teachers for help when you are feeling shamed and judged for needing that help.)

[Anonymous]

Yes, I would make him pay. He needs to be accountable on some level. Paying for private and exec function coaching with a poor outcome is not ok. If he continues down this road, tell him he needs to drop out get his GED and go to work.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like his coach is not getting the job done. I would look for a new coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he medicated?

This. If not, you’re wasting your money on everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he medicated?

This. If not, you’re wasting your money on everything else.

NP here - totally agree with this

[Anonymous]

He may need a less rigorous school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I would make him pay. He needs to be accountable on some level. Paying for private and exec function coaching with a poor outcome is not ok. If he continues down this road, tell him he needs to drop out get his GED and go to work.

Then what will you do if he chooses to drop out, since you're giving him the option? Are you really ok with that?

My kid is AuDHD. School is hard. Asking for help is hard. Getting through the effing day is hard when you have a disability. I've given him all the same supports as OP and it's still hard. There is no way I'm going to punish my child for that.

[Anonymous]

Withdraw from tutoring. Circle back after summer. Parents step up help, him stay on top of his HW. What classes does he have those grades in? I would also dial back the level of the classes, too. TBH.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the tutors and coach suck

[Anonymous]

Does he want the tutoring? Tutoring only works with teens if you have their buy in and if they really want it. I’ve told this to so many parents over the years. My guess is you mandated him to go. Drop the tutoring and enroll him in less rigorous classes. He’s not ready. -teacher and parent of a kid with ADHD

[Anonymous]

That would be ethically wrong.

He can't help himself, OP. You're just going to force him to spend all his money, and he would rightly resent you for it, since you're the one ordering the tutoring, but not the one paying for it.

You didn't say whether he was medicated. Meds for ADHD are like glasses for people who can't see. There is absolutely no point in doing all the other stuff of you don't liberate some neurotransmitters. He needs the meds to learn how to learn. Once he's spent several years on meds, and has integrated strategies for studying and organizing his time and life, then, possibly, he could taper off and continue on his merry way.

If he's optimally medicated, then the coach is perhaps not the right fit. My son has severe ADHD and we could not hire a coach - he needed one all the time, every single day, and especially in the morning and evening, outside of business hours. We parents were his coaches 24/7.

But the bottom line is that you cannot make him care. If he's optimally medicated, has all the right coaches and support... if he doesn't want good grades, and doesn't see the point if going to college, you cannot manufacture that out of thin air. But you can put the fear of God in him that people without college degrees are statistically more likely to struggle financially.
And you'll have to show him what struggles actually means, in concrete terms.