How often to visit?

[Anonymous]

Moved my mom out of my home and into independent living last week. On the car ride there she was crying and said she will miss us and will never see us again. I know I shouldnt have moved her in with me in the first place. But this is heartbreaking all around. My family and I can’t do it anymore. How often do I visit her? Is it bad to go every other day? I want her to make an effort acclimating.

[Anonymous]

I used to go about every other day, partly to normalize not being there every day in case I had work travel. I tried to vary my hours so the staff wouldn’t know when I’d show up. Sometimes went multiple times a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to go about every other day, partly to normalize not being there every day in case I had work travel. I tried to vary my hours so the staff wouldn’t know when I’d show up. Sometimes went multiple times a day.

Same. Staff never knew when I would show up (nursing home). Most the time went multiple times a week, sometimes daily and occasionally I would take a break. But my sister would also go. She lived further away and I lived closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moved my mom out of my home and into independent living last week. On the car ride there she was crying and said she will miss us and will never see us again. I know I shouldnt have moved her in with me in the first place. But this is heartbreaking all around. My family and I can’t do it anymore. How often do I visit her? Is it bad to go every other day? I want her to make an effort acclimating.

She can get acclimated and not feel abandoned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to go about every other day, partly to normalize not being there every day in case I had work travel. I tried to vary my hours so the staff wouldn’t know when I’d show up. Sometimes went multiple times a day.

This is so important. No matter how nice the facility seems you never know. It only takes one bad person. I started helping my mother take care of elders when I was a teen, and once absolute certainty is that people with frequent and unpredictable visitors get the best care. It's helpful if you have a backbench as well. If this doesn't exist naturally in your family, reach out to your networks and ask for help, or consider paying a reliable college or grad student to do occasional visits.

Don't limit visits to force her to "acclimate." She's not a kid going to summer camp and learning to be independent. She's an adult who is losing independence, and she's expressed her fear of losing you. Cutting off visits now will only exacerbate her fear and sadness.

[Anonymous]

It was suggested to us to limit visits to help her acclimate. We hired an advocate to check on things and report back. She also said it was a good idea to limit at first. I do think it helped push her to adjust. Our mom was always dramatic and manipulative and had abusive tendencies, so I think if we had visited daily or every other day it would have been endless complaints and insults for putting her there. Low and behold she adjusted and remembered how to fake being nice enough to make some connections. She did age backward a little too once she started joining activities like theatre trips, restaurant trips. It was right up her ally and actually made her a teeny bit nicer to us when we did visit.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't need this to be perfect. Leave or don't go before you become resentful. Visit as much as reasonable for your life. Probably shorter stays, and early in the day is best. People get cranky as the day goes on (or have "sundowners")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't need this to be perfect. Leave or don't go before you become resentful. Visit as much as reasonable for your life. Probably shorter stays, and early in the day is best. People get cranky as the day goes on (or have "sundowners")

This is good advice.

Someone mentioned something like "she doesn't have to feel abandoned." OP can't control that. I can tell you from being in support groups many of us were accused of abandonment for anything from not visiting daily, to going on a family vacation to the elder not remembering visits.

[Anonymous]

I just moved my dad into an assisted living home. My plan is to try to visit him daily, but I'm at a place in my life where it's easy for me to make that part of my daily routine. Sometimes I just stop by to drop off a treat, and other times I'll stay longer and have a meal with him or play a game of scrabble.

[Anonymous]

Mom in AS loved us and each of us handled things differently. One Brother visited daily M-F on his way home from work. Another Brother drove right by everyday without stopping. Saw her once a month. He was shouldering the financial/legal issues for Mom, fixing up her house, getting it ready to be sold. She was grateful. He included Mom in all his holidays (where other Brother was out of town) and made sure his local children saw her often. Other Brother who visited daily didn't seem to have that power over his adult children. Summary: she's known her own life that her boys are different.

[Anonymous]

I go during the day on weekdays when I can. Work full time and have a SN child. And a sibling who is checked out. I am not gunning for a prize for burning myself out