Anyone else’s ex totally attempt to smear them?

[Anonymous]

My ex made up a bunch of lies about me cheating throughout our marriage. I was totally faithful, sadly putting up with his controlling and untruthful behavior. When I finally left I heard of him making up sh*t about me and telling friends and family.

The good news is, many came to me and told me and never believed him. The bad news is, a few did, those easily manipulated or puritanical and swayed by the idea of me being a “bad woman.” My parents fall in the latter, but we always had a rocky relationship anyway. Things had gotten better, but the pandemic caused them to go off the deep end of things and strained our relationship, and then his lying was the hair that broke the camel’s back. That being said, it also made me 100% that I made the right decision to leave him.

Just curious if this is a common tactic of exes, and if anyone has kind words of advice.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it weird how the people who should be closest to you and most supportive are the ones who can betray you the most?

My mother was the one who made up lies about me. Thankfully people did not believe her, because they know what sort of person she is.

Stay strong, OP. Build a family of your choosing, with trusted relatives and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it weird how the people who should be closest to you and most supportive are the ones who can betray you the most?

My mother was the one who made up lies about me. Thankfully people did not believe her, because they know what sort of person she is.

Stay strong, OP. Build a family of your choosing, with trusted relatives and friends.

OP - Honestly, the betrayal by my parents was more hurtful and traumatizing to me than anything my ex had ever done to me. Other relatives believe me but didn’t want to rock the boat. The relative who spoke up for me now is also practically estranged with my parents (like me, the relationship was often rocky to start with, due to different personalities and politics).

But I have worked with a therapist and why I chose my ex in the first place is based on how I was raised as a child - with contempt and as a scapegoat for the family. So if I had my head on straight I shouldn’t have ever been surprised by their reaction. I guess I should be grateful that this painful experience taught me how to see true human nature instead of seeing people how I wished they were.

[Anonymous]

The question shouldn’t be why is my ex an ahole, hurting people do crappy things.

Regarding the people who believe the lies- It may be hard to hear, but something in your behaviors or character makes them think it could be true. They are considering what your ex said and comparing with what they have seen from or know about you. You may dislike them for believing your ex, but in reality the real concern is the lies were believable from outsiders that know you well enough to discount them, if they were completely out of character.

[Anonymous]

I could never interfere with other people’s relationship, marriage or divorce. I personally just don’t care and not entertained by it. It has nothing to do with me and my relationship with them as a friend or family member if someone cheats or not. Do not spend a minute trying to defend yourself to others. You have nothing to prove to anyone. If a friendship or relationship ends over this, then it wasn’t one that you should want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The question shouldn’t be why is my ex an ahole, hurting people do crappy things.

Regarding the people who believe the lies- It may be hard to hear, but something in your behaviors or character makes them think it could be true. They are considering what your ex said and comparing with what they have seen from or know about you. You may dislike them for believing your ex, but in reality the real concern is the lies were believable from outsiders that know you well enough to discount them, if they were completely out of character.

OP - By all accounts I have an upstanding reputation. This is why most have not believed him, he was not liked. My parents also are not well-liked, I’m finding through talking to people. So it’s more that the brainwashing/abuse on me caused me to be around these types. I am thankfully coming out of this mindset and learning to identify these types from the start. I now believe that the best thing a parent can do for their child is teach them how to spot bad people.

[Anonymous]

No.
You all sound bitter though

[Anonymous]

Yes, but it was an unmarried relationship with children, so there is heavy bias against the woman of that kind of relationships in the U.S. already. As bad or worse than creating rumors and poisoning friendships, he also took care of covering his tracks before he left by going into my email to delete some messages that made him look very bad, and pettier, he went into my online photo-streams to delete photos that made our history look happy, including photos with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I hear someone saying they were completely the victim, and had no culpability, then I become really skeptical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it weird how the people who should be closest to you and most supportive are the ones who can betray you the most?

My mother was the one who made up lies about me. Thankfully people did not believe her, because they know what sort of person she is.

Stay strong, OP. Build a family of your choosing, with trusted relatives and friends.

Same. Unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife tried this. She is a pathological liar and very histrionic, so no one who knew both of us believed her. People who never knew me may believe her, until they discover what a huge liar she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife tried this. She is a pathological liar and very histrionic, so no one who knew both of us believed her. People who never knew me may believe her, until they discover what a huge liar she is.

I learned this lesson years ago - not with my spouse but someone I had considered a close friend. She went to town and tried to destroy me in our common (and large) circle of mutual friends.

I don't know how I was able to do it but I decided she was so insane that all I could do was say nothing and people would eventually see her for who she is. It took time but many of those friends did eventually reach out to say "oh wow, didn't realize how bat$hit she was." I didn't respond to them either because I had moved on and was almost more pissed that they believed her lies than the lies she spread about me. But I did feel vindicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex made up a bunch of lies about me cheating throughout our marriage. I was totally faithful, sadly putting up with his controlling and untruthful behavior. When I finally left I heard of him making up sh*t about me and telling friends and family.

The good news is, many came to me and told me and never believed him. The bad news is, a few did, those easily manipulated or puritanical and swayed by the idea of me being a “bad woman.” My parents fall in the latter, but we always had a rocky relationship anyway. Things had gotten better, but the pandemic caused them to go off the deep end of things and strained our relationship, and then his lying was the hair that broke the camel’s back. That being said, it also made me 100% that I made the right decision to leave him.

Just curious if this is a common tactic of exes, and if anyone has kind words of advice.

I'm so sorry you dealt with this/are dealing with this. Currently going through this myself. My husband is telling everyone I am unstable and I have "emotionally abused" him as well as our daughter. Funny how these accusations didn't come up until I asked for a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The question shouldn’t be why is my ex an ahole, hurting people do crappy things.

Regarding the people who believe the lies- It may be hard to hear, but something in your behaviors or character makes them think it could be true. They are considering what your ex said and comparing with what they have seen from or know about you. You may dislike them for believing your ex, but in reality the real concern is the lies were believable from outsiders that know you well enough to discount them, if they were completely out of character.

OP - By all accounts I have an upstanding reputation. This is why most have not believed him, he was not liked. My parents also are not well-liked, I’m finding through talking to people. So it’s more that the brainwashing/abuse on me caused me to be around these types. I am thankfully coming out of this mindset and learning to identify these types from the start. I now believe that the best thing a parent can do for their child is teach them how to spot bad people.

OP, I was the PP. Rise above the noise. No one who really knows you will believe this stuff. I've had to say the same thing to myself. No one my husband is sharing these things with actually believes I am unstable or that I "abused" him or our son. My goal has just been to maintain my dignity, keep my mouth shut, and don't stoop to his level. Just because he's saying this stuff doesn't mean others believe it. Trust me, it makes HIM look bad. Not you.

[Anonymous]

There is no friend or family who would believe my ex. Even they couldn't stop his crazy ways.