JV team drama

[Anonymous]

What would you do? My daughter is on the JV team of a high school sports team. They are not competitive and have lost the two matches they played by a lot. They have just one extra player - for both the games, my daughter rode the bench the entire game. The first time, I told her to cheer up, nothing to do but soldier on. Yesterday, I went to watch the match and again she was sitting there, completely ignored by the coach - the coach seemed even a bit hostile towards her. She's definitely not one of the best on the team, probably not the worst and she goes to all the practices and does her best. If the matches were close, I would say the coach has to play the only the very best players but they are nowhere near close.

I've told daughter to write to coach and ask what's up - but I can see my daughter is going to want to quit the team and I can't entirely blame her even though it goes against my parenting mantra of don't quit.

What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Does she like the sport? Outside league + talk to the coach. Does she not like the sport? Quit and find something she does like.

[Anonymous]

She should talk to the coach. If she doesn't want to talk to them and thinks it's better to communicate in writing, she should do that. She should frame the conversation as "what can I improve on to get playing time?"

It's only been two games....a lot can change.

[Anonymous]

No writing. She needs to schedule in person 1:1 time and ask, “What can I do to improve?”

[Anonymous]

Parent of teens and one thing to be careful of is that your kid may not always tell you the full story.
So maybe it's that the coach just doesn't like her for no reason and she should quit.
But maybe she is goofing off or not trying during practice. Or maybe she is constantly complaining of mild injuries and sitting out practices. Or maybe the school has told the coach that there are unexcused absences or behavior problems. Or she hasn't been a great teammate. Etc.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. It can be hard to watch. I’ve been there (most sports parents have at some point or another).

Your DD needs to ask her coach after practice “what can I do to earn more playing time?”

Has DD received any feedback from the coach during practices at all? Why does DD think she isn’t playing? I have found that my kids usually know perfectly well why they are not playing, or not playing their preferred position etc (whether they necessarily agree with the coach or not).

It seems lame to bench the same player every single game but is ultimately the coach’s choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of teens and one thing to be careful of is that your kid may not always tell you the full story.
So maybe it's that the coach just doesn't like her for no reason and she should quit.
But maybe she is goofing off or not trying during practice. Or maybe she is constantly complaining of mild injuries and sitting out practices. Or maybe the school has told the coach that there are unexcused absences or behavior problems. Or she hasn't been a great teammate. Etc.

Or maybe she hasn't exhibited the skills the coach needs to put her on the field.

[Anonymous]

Find a new team. Something happened and the coach is biased against her now.

Either she did something or someone lied about her. It's common for girls on a team to lie about a player to get their friend the position. Sometimes coaches see this and don't care.

Either way, it's unlikely to change. The coach's open hostility towards her is the hallmark of a toxic environment.

Get her out now while there's still time for her to start a new sport or team. This isn't good for her self esteem.

[Anonymous]

And she has no idea why? Are you totally sure?

This situation actually sounds like possibly (but not necessarily) it could be something to do with (whether real or perceived by the coach) behavior. Missing practice, a tangle with a teammate, not hustling, etc? Anything like that going on? Or is she perceived as not part of the group for any reason (like all the other girls played last year, or play on a travel team together)?

Only asking because most JV coaches would likely not sit the same one player 100% of the time if the games are not competitive…typically all would get at least some token playing time in that scenario.

[Anonymous]

In my experience playing time is rarely awarded on just merit. My kid is a starter on her travel team, but the two kids who sit the bench most are NOT the two worst players. But the two worst players have major suck up/highly involved parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you do? My daughter is on the JV team of a high school sports team. They are not competitive and have lost the two matches they played by a lot. They have just one extra player - for both the games, my daughter rode the bench the entire game. The first time, I told her to cheer up, nothing to do but soldier on. Yesterday, I went to watch the match and again she was sitting there, completely ignored by the coach - the coach seemed even a bit hostile towards her. She's definitely not one of the best on the team, probably not the worst and she goes to all the practices and does her best. If the matches were close, I would say the coach has to play the only the very best players but they are nowhere near close.

I've told daughter to write to coach and ask what's up - but I can see my daughter is going to want to quit the team and I can't entirely blame her even though it goes against my parenting mantra of don't quit.

What would you do?

She should ask the coach what they think she needs to work on to get playing time. My kids' high school teams have too many kids so more get to participate and be part of the team experience. The downside of these too big teams is that some kids just don't get to play.

[Anonymous]

By the time my third kid rolled around I didn’t put up with this sort of thing and I was fine if they quit.

[Anonymous]

This is not a rec team. There is no equal playing time. If the coach thought she was a value add, he would be putting her in. Maybe he thinks she needs more time to develop and mature, maybe she’s not paying attention at practice, who knows. Not trying to put the blame on your daughter, but a plethora of things that could be going on that you just don’t know about. I warn you that if she quits this team, she’s unlikely to make JV or varsity in future years.

[Anonymous]

Your title says JV team drama. I didn’t read about any drama… But this tells me all I need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a new team. Something happened and the coach is biased against her now.

Either she did something or someone lied about her. It's common for girls on a team to lie about a player to get their friend the position. Sometimes coaches see this and don't care.

Either way, it's unlikely to change. The coach's open hostility towards her is the hallmark of a toxic environment.

Get her out now while there's still time for her to start a new sport or team. This isn't good for her self esteem.

JV is high school, there is no other team for the sport. This isn’t travel league.