How to tell spouse their social media use is out of hand?

[Anonymous]

Wife is great, but is just always on Insta. She doesn't post excessively, doesn't overshare, but just constantly habitually scrolling and consuming sort of brainless stuff. I had to get rid of the app because I found myself doing the same stuff, and realized I was just wasting a lot of time on stuff that was really meaningless to me coming from people I didn't know... but if she wants to stay on the app, that's fine. But it's getting to the point where she just takes it out and starts scrolling when sitting watching TV with the kids or just having casual chat. I realize it's obnoxious to talk about "being present" but she's really not being very present.

Thoughts on non-passive aggressive and non-insulting ways to broach this?

[Anonymous]

Have a conversation with her on what you've just shared here..
Let her know you find her constant Insta-gramming a bit excessive.

What is she looking at? Maybe she's keeping up with folks lives she wish she had..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Have a conversation with her on what you've just shared here..
Let her know you find her constant Insta-gramming a bit excessive.

What is she looking at? Maybe she's keeping up with folks lives she wish she had..

It started as friends and family, but you know how it goes... now she's looking at lifestyle accounts of things that really don't apply to our lives, but are the kind of thing that just make you feel bad about your own life.

But she's an adult, and we've had conversations about the cancerous soul-destroying nature of social media (in the context of exposing our children to it) but she doesn't seem to apply it to herself. And truthfully, I don't think she's seriously suffering from it, but it's a factor. It's just the lack of being present for basically no good reason that's the issue... both of us have had to be on our phones or other devices for work outside of normal work hours for much of our relationship, and it's something I get -- if for you're picking up your phone because you need to do it for your career, or your volunteer work (we both coach) or helping elderly family with something... I get it. But to just idly scroll past staged photos of some woman who took a ski vacation in upstate New York that the algo thought you might be interested in seeing, while our daughter colors by herself... I mean, it's FINE, but not ideal.

[Anonymous]

It's an addiction, same as gambling, drugs, etc.

Nobody can really give you any advice. Addicts are hard to reach and slow to change, if they ever do.

Either live with it, or make an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an addiction, same as gambling, drugs, etc.

Nobody can really give you any advice. Addicts are hard to reach and slow to change, if they ever do.

Either live with it, or make an ultimatum.

Well, you don’t typically say nothing until your spouse is a full blown addict, there are usually points at which you can intervene before they hit rock bottom.

Being less than present on a regular basis seems a little early to tell her she needs rehab for Instagram or we’re getting divorce.

Thanks for being productive tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an addiction, same as gambling, drugs, etc.

Nobody can really give you any advice. Addicts are hard to reach and slow to change, if they ever do.

Either live with it, or make an ultimatum.

Well, you don’t typically say nothing until your spouse is a full blown addict, there are usually points at which you can intervene before they hit rock bottom.

Being less than present on a regular basis seems a little early to tell her she needs rehab for Instagram or we’re getting divorce.

Thanks for being productive tho.

There is no defining line for what constitutes an "addiction", it varies by person.

Refusing to admit a person is an addict is enabling their addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an addiction, same as gambling, drugs, etc.

Nobody can really give you any advice. Addicts are hard to reach and slow to change, if they ever do.

Either live with it, or make an ultimatum.

Well, you don’t typically say nothing until your spouse is a full blown addict, there are usually points at which you can intervene before they hit rock bottom.

Being less than present on a regular basis seems a little early to tell her she needs rehab for Instagram or we’re getting divorce.

Thanks for being productive tho.

There is no defining line for what constitutes an "addiction", it varies by person.

Refusing to admit a person is an addict is enabling their addiction.

So… send her to aa? Be productive or go somewhere else lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an addiction, same as gambling, drugs, etc.

Nobody can really give you any advice. Addicts are hard to reach and slow to change, if they ever do.

Either live with it, or make an ultimatum.

Well, you don’t typically say nothing until your spouse is a full blown addict, there are usually points at which you can intervene before they hit rock bottom.

Being less than present on a regular basis seems a little early to tell her she needs rehab for Instagram or we’re getting divorce.

Thanks for being productive tho.

There is no defining line for what constitutes an "addiction", it varies by person.

Refusing to admit a person is an addict is enabling their addiction.

"Be productive or go somewhere else lady."

Basically saying the same thing as being an addict. You could try being that blunt, but do you really want to ruin a marriage with that sort of ultimatum? Perhaps a little more tact in addressing the addiction at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an addiction, same as gambling, drugs, etc.

Nobody can really give you any advice. Addicts are hard to reach and slow to change, if they ever do.

Either live with it, or make an ultimatum.

Well, you don’t typically say nothing until your spouse is a full blown addict, there are usually points at which you can intervene before they hit rock bottom.

Being less than present on a regular basis seems a little early to tell her she needs rehab for Instagram or we’re getting divorce.

Thanks for being productive tho.

There is no defining line for what constitutes an "addiction", it varies by person.

Refusing to admit a person is an addict is enabling their addiction.

"Be productive or go somewhere else lady."

Basically saying the same thing as being an addict. You could try being that blunt, but do you really want to ruin a marriage with that sort of ultimatum? Perhaps a little more tact in addressing the addiction at first.

OP here... yes, that's what I'm asking for... advice on how to bring up my concerns in a way that is not "i think you're basically a drunk and i'm going to divorce you if you don't clean up".

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both terminally online (not socials, but our favorite hobby sites), so we can't criticize each other. That is a good thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both terminally online (not socials, but our favorite hobby sites), so we can't criticize each other. That is a good thing

Hey, I'm an online person too... but I think there is a fundamental difference between an online hobby/interest and the addictive mindlessness of social media.

[Anonymous]

My DW is the same way. I've discussed it with her and even the kids have commented. She doesn't seem to be able to help it.

I don't have advice but I do have solidarity

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why you cannot be blunt. My husband is on his phone too much. I’m just like “you need to put your phone away for two hours and hang out with us.” And my daughter (sort of jokingly) will sometimes wrestle it out of his hands and hide it. I would be like “listen, you are on instagram way too much and not interacting with me and the kids. We need time with you when you are not on your phone.”

I don’t understand why you would tiptoe around this. If my husband went from not drinking at our house to suddenly having two beers every night, I would just say “what in the world is going on?” And tell him it was not healthy and I didn’t want it in the house. I’m pretty sure he would say something like that to me.

[Anonymous]

Do you ever suggest a phone free experience? For example, taking a walk or no phones at meal time. Do your phones have the ability to tally up your daily or weekly usage? Could you both make an effort to reduce your daily use? If you have children with phones, include them in the phone reduction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's an addiction, same as gambling, drugs, etc.

Nobody can really give you any advice. Addicts are hard to reach and slow to change, if they ever do.

Either live with it, or make an ultimatum.

Well, you don’t typically say nothing until your spouse is a full blown addict, there are usually points at which you can intervene before they hit rock bottom.

Being less than present on a regular basis seems a little early to tell her she needs rehab for Instagram or we’re getting divorce.

Thanks for being productive tho.

There is no defining line for what constitutes an "addiction", it varies by person.

Refusing to admit a person is an addict is enabling their addiction.

"Be productive or go somewhere else lady."

Basically saying the same thing as being an addict. You could try being that blunt, but do you really want to ruin a marriage with that sort of ultimatum? Perhaps a little more tact in addressing the addiction at first.

OP here... yes, that's what I'm asking for... advice on how to bring up my concerns in a way that is not "i think you're basically a drunk and i'm going to divorce you if you don't clean up".

Since the definition of a process addiction is a process (versus substance) that you use in a way that interferes with daily life and happiness, focus on that. "Yesterday evening I couldn't help but notice you were on your phone while the kids were getting ready for bed. And when you put the phone down to tuck Larla in you seemed distracted. I'm wondering if the phone is causing that distraction."

Or you can do the "I" statements. You know, "I miss the connection we had before Instagram Reels became such a big part of our family lives. I know I had to delete the app because they can be so appealing to scroll through. I would love to spend more social media free time with you. Is there a way we can work together to enable that?"