How to tell spouse their social media use is out of hand?

[Anonymous]

OP, my ex got into the habit of scrolling on his phone when I was trying to have a conversation with him about anything important. I ended the relationship over other issues, but it was an example of his anxiety avoidance. That’s what it really is; it’s just people checking out of life when things feel a boring or a little mundane or a little anxiety provoking. I don’t think there’s any magic recipe for bringing it up, just have as many conversations as it takes being as honest as you’ve been here. For what it’s worth you are 100% right about this. Your daughter coloring while she scrolls on Instagram is just a lost opportunity. It doesn’t mean never be on the apps, but she definitely needs to be more present.

[Anonymous]

I lost my shit during dinner one night when I was trying to talk to DH and he kept picking up his phone to respond to his friend’s group text and scroll twitter for sports updates. Our home is now phone free for all meals. I’m annoyed at how glued he is to social media (twitter, facebook, and TikTok in a never ending carousel) so setting boundaries where it is the most problematic is the best I’ve got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you cannot be blunt. My husband is on his phone too much. I’m just like “you need to put your phone away for two hours and hang out with us.” And my daughter (sort of jokingly) will sometimes wrestle it out of his hands and hide it. I would be like “listen, you are on instagram way too much and not interacting with me and the kids. We need time with you when you are not on your phone.”

I don’t understand why you would tiptoe around this. If my husband went from not drinking at our house to suddenly having two beers every night, I would just say “what in the world is going on?” And tell him it was not healthy and I didn’t want it in the house. I’m pretty sure he would say something like that to me.

You can be straightforward but that might not change things. Phones have become a true addiction. You can be blunt with an alcoholic about their drinking. It doesn't mean they can just stop.

[Anonymous]

Social media is far more toxic than we acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social media is far more toxic than we acknowledge.

I think the problem is that people who don't have a toxic relationship with SM (aren't addicted, don't have jealousy issues, it doesn't make them feel bad about themselves, etc) just don't get why adults let SM get to them so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Social media is far more toxic than we acknowledge.

I think the problem is that people who don't have a toxic relationship with SM (aren't addicted, don't have jealousy issues, it doesn't make them feel bad about themselves, etc) just don't get why adults let SM get to them so much.

Some people have a genetic predisposition for addiction, and it is much easier for them to become addicts.
Some people are the opposite and never get addicted to anything.
Most are probably in between and depends on the addiction.
SM is the same as drug abuse, medically speaking.

[Anonymous]

It’s not like your wife needs to fawn over your daughter while she colors, but she is modeling a poor lifestyle. Better to read a book, or get something done around the house, or simply sit and look out the window. That’s what I do when I want to be around the kids but not directly engage.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell them their social media use if out of hand but I would tell them how it impacts me (or the kids). Sure, you could say that scrolling all day is "wrong" but there's such a level of arbitrariness where that's concerned that it's easy to dismiss. But you feeling ignored, etc., isn't wrong, so say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife is great, but is just always on Insta. She doesn't post excessively, doesn't overshare, but just constantly habitually scrolling and consuming sort of brainless stuff. I had to get rid of the app because I found myself doing the same stuff, and realized I was just wasting a lot of time on stuff that was really meaningless to me coming from people I didn't know... but if she wants to stay on the app, that's fine. But it's getting to the point where she just takes it out and starts scrolling when sitting watching TV with the kids or just having casual chat. I realize it's obnoxious to talk about "being present" but she's really not being very present.

Thoughts on non-passive aggressive and non-insulting ways to broach this?

Do NOT use your own thought process to dictate to her what she should do. I hate social media and that's great that you are done with it, but just because my husband thinks the Real Housewives are trash doesn't mean I shouldn't get to enjoy my one hour of nonsense TV a week after working really hard for everyone. Is he right? Yeah. Do I care? No. So I watch it and he lets me without complaint. I would suggest not acting like you're taking the moral high ground here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Social media is far more toxic than we acknowledge.

Most definitely. It's exponential gossip.