Divorce and college costs

[Anonymous]

My ex is living in a dreamland where our child will magically be accepted by a T20 and get a full ride. He is presently unwilling to pay more than 12k per year. But he also has pretty high expectations about where DC will attend and we both agree that avoiding loans is a priority.

Reality is that even at schools that don’t ask for noncustodial parent CSS, with my income we are looking somewhere between 30-40k, possibly 45k for incredible school, per year for a decent school that will accept DC, be a good fit for him, and that he will be excited about attending.

We have similar incomes. I own a SFH but have roommates that keep expenses pretty low and ex knows this and uses this as a reason I should pay more. Ex also has very low housing costs and will quite likely have zero housing costs during college years due to his job, but still thinks 12k will do the job.

If ex is only willing to spend 12k, and I pay 18k+ to bridge the gap, I feel taken advantage of. I feel I have already done more than my share since the kids live with me FT and I cover more than half of their expenses.
We do have a small 529 that will cover a few thousand each year.

Should I just tell DC that 24k per year is his limit for college? It will decrease his choices significantly and I don’t think he’d be happy with any of them. He does want a school that offers a specific program not offered by every school.

Or, has anyone had luck getting their ex to agree to a higher amount? I am certain he can afford it and considering legal action. Our divorce agreement did not get into specifics.

[Anonymous]

You had a shitty divorce agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had a shitty divorce agreement.

Paying for college language is rarely
enforceable for myriad reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If ex is only willing to spend 12k, and I pay 18k+ to bridge the gap, I feel taken advantage of. I feel I have already done more than my share since the kids live with me FT and I cover more than half of their expenses.

This is the crux of your situation, and you need to decide if feeling taken advantage of by your ex is a good enough reason (for you!) to limit your kid's choices. If you have other kids, it's also worth thinking about making decisions using a framework that will be fair to all of them.

For me, it would come down to thinking about the long-term future. Would I feel like I've done right by my kid? The best I could? Would my kid agree? And then own whatever decision you make.

[Anonymous]

You are lucky ex is even willing to pay ANYTHING for college or support after18th birthday. I’d tread carefully, because ex mat change their mind and you are left holding the bag. Why not negotiate and ask them to put that money in a 529 guaranteed savings plan?

[Anonymous]

If DH is cheap, how did you get DC's expectations so high when it comes to a school?
Mine is going to community college. They made a trip to my house to make a case for financial aid. I told him that I wanted to get rid of the money in 529 and will not want to waste my time on FAFSA.
They will also get a job as cc is not hard. It gives me time to save up for year 3 and 4. I also want to see their grades up.

[Anonymous]

Your child will be an adult when he goes to college, right? And your custody agreement presumably ends at 18 or HS graduation?

If so:

I would tell your child “I can afford to give you $XX” for college, and leave it at that. Your child can have the same discussion with Dad, and then choose colleges based on that. I would talk to your kid about the pros and cons of different options (loans, cheaper schools, merit scholarships, ROTC, getting a job), but ultimately leave the decision up to them. It gives your kid skin in the game to make a choice based on reality.

Your ex may increase his contribution if it’s between him and his child. Or he won’t, but that’s no longer your problem.

This is the first of many money conversations that your kid will need to have (or not have) with his dad as an adult.

[Anonymous]

May need to have a realistic Convo with your child on what you can afford.

Seems like your ex isn't interested in paying for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a shitty divorce agreement.

Paying for college language is rarely
enforceable for myriad reasons.

Mine was written in and had to be enforced. We have 529's for both kids. And it has been followed.

[Anonymous]

What state are you in? $24,000 total per year means your kid will likely be living at home during college. I would let my kid take out a small amount of loans to have an on campus experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If DH is cheap, how did you get DC's expectations so high when it comes to a school?
Mine is going to community college. They made a trip to my house to make a case for financial aid. I told him that I wanted to get rid of the money in 529 and will not want to waste my time on FAFSA.
They will also get a job as cc is not hard. It gives me time to save up for year 3 and 4. I also want to see their grades up.

Ex H is the one who has been fanning the flames and taking him to visit schools like Georgetown and get excited about schools like Wash U. That is why this is so frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Adding that there are a few schools that we potentially could get for 24k or close with merit. They are schools ex looks down his nose at and does not keep his thoughts to himself.

[Anonymous]

I assume your child is in 10th or 11th?

I recommend that you and your ex pick 3 schools that you think would be good fits for your child. Go onto the NPC and see what would be expected to pay.
I can't tell if your ex can afford more and just has unrealistic expectations OR if that is just some random # pulled out.
But you need to get on the same page before applications are in.
If your ex has a cap, and your child wants to apply to schools above the cap - the answer is loans or not applying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex is living in a dreamland where our child will magically be accepted by a T20 and get a full ride. He is presently unwilling to pay more than 12k per year. But he also has pretty high expectations about where DC will attend and we both agree that avoiding loans is a priority.

Reality is that even at schools that don’t ask for noncustodial parent CSS, with my income we are looking somewhere between 30-40k, possibly 45k for incredible school, per year for a decent school that will accept DC, be a good fit for him, and that he will be excited about attending.

We have similar incomes. I own a SFH but have roommates that keep expenses pretty low and ex knows this and uses this as a reason I should pay more. Ex also has very low housing costs and will quite likely have zero housing costs during college years due to his job, but still thinks 12k will do the job.

If ex is only willing to spend 12k, and I pay 18k+ to bridge the gap, I feel taken advantage of. I feel I have already done more than my share since the kids live with me FT and I cover more than half of their expenses.
We do have a small 529 that will cover a few thousand each year.

Should I just tell DC that 24k per year is his limit for college? It will decrease his choices significantly and I don’t think he’d be happy with any of them. He does want a school that offers a specific program not offered by every school.

Or, has anyone had luck getting their ex to agree to a higher amount? I am certain he can afford it and considering legal action. Our divorce agreement did not get into specifics.

Yes. The rest of the words don’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume your child is in 10th or 11th?

I recommend that you and your ex pick 3 schools that you think would be good fits for your child. Go onto the NPC and see what would be expected to pay.
I can't tell if your ex can afford more and just has unrealistic expectations OR if that is just some random # pulled out.
But you need to get on the same page before applications are in.
If your ex has a cap, and your child wants to apply to schools above the cap - the answer is loans or not applying.

I think it’s all of the above. He can absolutely afford more but picked a number based on unrealistic expectations and what he feels like paying.
It doesn’t feel like I have the same luxury of paying what I “feel like” paying.
I know a mom who drove Uber in addition to a full time job, to get her daughters through college. I would do the same if I had to, but don’t think I should have to. It makes me sad that my kid’s dad, in spite of big talk about how important college is, is not putting money where his mouth is. I am hoping that at some point he will understand reality and also care enough about his relationship with his son that he will be willing to support him financially.