9 year old struggling!

[Anonymous]

I’m unsure of what to do in this situation and talking to my son about it gives me so much anxiety.

My 9 year old is struggling with how he feels about himself. He constantly says things like his friends don’t like him and will mention how a close friend is more interested in someone else now.

I’ve spoken to both teachers about it and they say he’s a joy, spreads positivity in the classroom and very well liked with many friends. He’s been on the same sports team for two different sports with about a dozen of the boys for several years in his grade at school. He is invited to about 25 birthday parties a year, often small ones with just a few kids and does well in different groups of kids. He’s had the same best friend since he was 2. He’s invited to playdates a few times a week. We travel with a few of the familes for spring break. Many of the moms have told me their boys love him and consider him one of their child’s best friends.

Everytime we talk about it he breaks down and cries and says no one likes him. He really struggles with small slights. For instance we had two friends spend the night and he felt sad that they were getting a long well and he felt like the third wheel because they wandered off for a few minutes together and were talking about jokes in their classroom (different class). I heard him tell them he didn’t want them to come over again if they were going to leave him out. We talked about it and I said it’s a very normal feeling to feel left out or the third wheel and it’s something we all feel as humans but you cannot act on it and get upset with friends or push them away. I’m not sure what to do but it feels like social anxiety. I think he’s a very sensitive kid and that’s why he’s well liked because he’s careful what he says and tries to be inclusive but he just feels everything so much. Any advice dealing with this?
I’m having a really hard time talking to him about it because I have anxiety myself so it’s triggering.

[Anonymous]

So the rule of thumb for kids things is even numbers - 1 friend or 3 friends bc when there are odd numbers kids can knowingly or unknowingly leave kids out. I would also read books about friendship with him to help him see there are lots of signs that he has friends.

[Anonymous]

I think he knows he has friends but is just so sensitive to things. My husband thinks he’s trying to get attention and sympathy from me. I have a pretty bad anxiety disorder myself, but had a very different upbringing (parents died when I was a child) so this is my norm. He’s grown up in a much different environment, a very stable home life, and I’ve put so much effort into making sure he had a sense of self and community and belonging. It hurts that he’s still struggling with the same issues as I am despite my best intentions. I often wonder if I make it worse even talking to him about it and making it bigger than it is. I felt I had to step in when I heard him confront his friends because I didn’t want his anxiety make him act out to friends by getting upset with them.

[Anonymous]

My son and I are similar. I think it's partly genetic. Just kind reassurance for now.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar position with DD8, down to losing a parent young and doing everything I can to make DD’s life more stable and full of supportive connections.

I’ve read that sensitivity is hereditary, but actual anxiety and depression aren’t. So my goal is to work with her sensitivity and hopefully avoid it developing into the anxiety and low self-esteem I’ve had all my life.

But there are times I wonder if it’s actually epigenetic and she “inherited” the stress of my lived experiences...

I also struggle with how much attention to give to her big feelings and whether talking is helpful. My main focus on a day to day basis is to reduce her stress while always building more independence and challenge. Good luck to you and I hope we get more helpful responses here

[Anonymous]

Similar issues with my 10 year old girl. Took her to a therapist and wish we’d started that when she was younger. Too soon to know whether there’s an anxiety or depression diagnosis or if she’s simply sensitive .

[Anonymous]

PP, may I ask how specifically the therapist helps your DD? Can therapy help when a child is simply very sensitive / easily stressed?

[Anonymous]

Is it wrong to ask my husband to step in and be more present with some of this navigating the boy social dynamics? It’s causing me so much anxiety. I think I am going to have him see a therapist just to be less reactive, for instance instead of saying to his friends he’s not inviting them again if they don’t include him (btw they seemed fine, I was right there) he would learn to just accept the feeling and not say something.

[Anonymous]

He needs some coaching from a therapist on how to reframe his anxiety into rational thoughts to stop this cycle.

[Anonymous]

That’s a LOT of socialization OP. Wow. 25 parties a year?! And even spring break with friends? Idk. We just never did this much at this age. I’d cut way back. There are introverted extroverts and this would be way too much for my social kids.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I think a handful of sessions with a therapist could be what he needs. CBT sounds like it might be a good fit for him, he needs to reframe things in his brain.

[Anonymous]

Oh. My. Gosh. Do not send this kid to therapy! That shouts to the kid- there is something wrong with you and plays up the victim mentality. This is normal, normal stuff at this age. Stop putting so much pressure on social interactions. He is probably picking that anxiety up from you. I am glad you are aware of this dynamic in your family. Have dad step in totally. I would just point out to him that his perspective is sometimes overly sensitive bc he is a deep feeler and everyone is not built that way. And while that is a superpower for many reasons, in some instances, it can sideline you. It OK to feel these feelings, be aware of them and then let them pass. Also, for boys, real meaningful friendships that are deep don’t start until middle school unless kids are really mature. Friendships for boys In elementary school are more about doing! Physical activity and play. Your kid might be emotionally ready for something deeper but other kids may not be, so it’s a mismatch at this point. But in the long term, he’ll be fine. Just teach him some coping skills and do more 1:1 play dates.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, that is what my husband thinks that it’s best just to let it go because he’s so young and just figuring out some of this stuff and needs time to mature. He’s fairly easy going and a chill child, but he tends to lose it with me only complaining about things hurting or his feelings hurt. I probably give too much attention to it.

[Anonymous]

I’m also struck by the amount of socializing you do. Could it be draining him and making him more reactive because there isn’t adequate downtime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m also struck by the amount of socializing you do. Could it be draining him and making him more reactive because there isn’t adequate downtime?

Depends on the culture of your area. This is fairly normal