Catching myself being impatient and mean to elderly mom

[Anonymous]

I love her so much but living with our family is ruining our relationship; we never had a “true” warm and fuzzy one in the first place. It’s more obligation and empathy, culture too- I’m asian.

I just never get anytime to myself and her living with us drives me crazy. I have two teens in the house and my husband is very needy too. I’ve been mean to her and dismissive to her lately. It’s been more pronounced since I found out she donates all her money to her Church which she could have used towards an apartment. I advised her to change her ways because she may have to move to a nursing home one day when we downsize. I felt horrible saying that but I’m at older mom, 60 with health issues and I’m tired of all the care keeping that I do. She’s 88 and extremely healthy probably going to out live me. I told her to go “visit” my younger brother, hint, hint.

I’m starting to not feel guilty about being mean and wanting anything to do with her. I wonder how others deal with this type living situation without resentment.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh OP - you need some downtime. If that means hiring someone to help out, instructing your brother to get your mom for a week, having your kids do more - whatever you need to do, do it before you completely burn out. It's a marathon, not a sprint.

Is it your mom being there that's the problem - or is it specific things she's doing while she's there? Can you outsource any of it? Is it feasible for her to live on her own or in an assisted living community? What was the plan when she moved in and has that changed?

Sending you loads of empathy - and Netflix suggestions, if you want them.

[Anonymous]

Ok, first of all pick a few blocks of time in which you are not to be disturbed, period. It may take some time for your family to adjust. But you lock yourself in a room, turn off your phone, and ignore them. Sleep, read, get stuff done, go out, whatever, but you are off duty and they will all have to deal.

Second, why is your husband so needy? Don't cater to him so much. No need for a big announcement, just quietly pull back on what you're doing for him.

Third, it's right for you to talk frankly with her about money. She needs to know the truth about your health and what that means for her living situation. Just because you're delivering bad news doesn't mean what you're doing is mean or wrong. The truth is hard sometimes but it's better for her to know.

If you go by yourself to a financial advisor you may get some relief on the money stuff. There's aid for seniors and if she's Medicaid-eligible she'll need to spend down her assets to qualify. So her spending/giving is not necessarily a problem. See a pro and get some real advice, you'll feel better knowing the facts.

[Anonymous]

Just dial back your care. Let another sibling step up or honestly your Mom seems perfectly capable.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to separate out what your mom actually needs, vs. her wants. And then cut back on the wants. She doesn't get your time and attention 24/7.

And what's a medical or physical necessity vs. what's a cultural thing that feels like a requirement but is not a matter of life or death. With my dad, this was hard. Cultural norms in my culture for the father of a family is total deference, total respect, he's in charge. But in reality, he had dementia and he needed someone to tell him what to do. To insist he take his meds, and to forbid him from leaving the house alone. This was necessary for his safety and that's the bottom line for me. It's hard when you have to go against culture, but sometimes it's what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

Be kind to yourself. And also that's enough of sending all the money to church.

"The phrase "charity begins at home" is often attributed to Sir Thomas Browne, an English physician and author who lived in the 17th century. The phrase is believed to have originated in his book "Religio Medici," which was first published in 1642. In the book, Browne writes: "Charity begins at home, is the voice of the world; yet is every man his greatest enemy." The phrase has since become a proverb, often used to suggest that people should focus on helping their own family and community before helping others."

You have a situation that is more dire than what the church needs.

[Anonymous]

Do what's needed, not what she wants or what you feel is expected or other people would approve. No. Do the right thing keeping her, yourself, your kids and your husband. Everyone is important and if you do what you feel is right and needed to be prioritized at any given time, you won't feel on the edge.

[Anonymous]

Kindness for all and as much help as you can provide without compromising your sanity. You can't be everything to everyone every time and that's okay.

[Anonymous]

If she just gave all her money to the church, I'd start with the church and see what free programs they can offer like respite.

[Anonymous]

Do you know about the Adult Day Care program, and is there one in your area? If your mom is from a particular community that speaks a language other than English, they have separate ones as well (my father attended a Russian-speaking one). It really breaks up the person's day, and they offer a lot of medical and other services, plus provide meals.

[Anonymous]

She wouldn’t be living with me any longer until she handed over care of her finances. No f-ing way I am funding someone’s gambling/shopping/church addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wouldn’t be living with me any longer until she handed over care of her finances. No f-ing way I am funding someone’s gambling/shopping/church addiction.

OMG this. Elder care is so. Freaking. Expensive. And to just give it away like that to a church? Absolutely no way. Find an independent living facility with a continuum of care and move her in. You're 60. You have done enough.

[Anonymous]

You could charge her rent for staying with you. Then she'd have less to give her church.

[Anonymous]

Sorry this one is tough, been there done that-it’s awful, stressful and extremely difficult to manage. Best advice for her and for your sanity and well being: get her into a senior home, shed be better off.