Calling to complain, but never just to say hi

[Anonymous]

My parents only ever call me to complain about my SIL (my brother's wife). Most recently, my mom texted me cryptically to "please call me when you have a minute today" and I thought someone had died. So, I called her right away and spent 20 minutes listening to her complain about planning a visit to see my brother and his family and how my SIL was being difficult about which weeks might work for a visit. To be fair, my SIL can be a little dramatic/difficult about planning vacations. We had a family vacation fall through last year because she couldn't wait a week for me to start my new job before asking me to commit to a week-long vacation with them, despite my explanations that I couldn't commit until after I had at least met my boss. So I'm not unsympathetic to my mom's frustrations.

But she and my dad never call me (or even text) just to say hi or to ask about my kids. I once tried to see how long it would take them to contact me if I didn't contact them and, more to the point, I didn't let my kids call them either. I thought eventually they would at least ask to facetime my kids. But the experiment went on for a month and a half before I finally gave up and let my kids be the ones to call them again.

I don't necessarily need advice or anything. Just venting.

[Anonymous]

From a parent's perspective: After hearing and reading how adult kids despise parents inconveniencing and suffocating them with their calls, visits and invites, most parents are confused and scared about what's right and what's wrong.

I prefer them calling and visiting me than vice versa so I'm not stepping on their or spouse's feet. I do use texts to keep and stay informed as they can check and reply at their convenience. I don't want to interrupt work, sleep, intimacy, workout or meditation etc and carve irritation in their memory.

You call them when you feel like checking up on them or share your life. They are your parents, you aren't going to become small without playing tit for tat. As far as your brother's family is concerned, try not to get involved in how they manage their relationship with each other unless their is a health issue or something extreme once in a blue moon.

[Anonymous]

DP. There is lots of space between "suffocating" and "never". I'm with you OP. Except that my mom complains about everything and everyone. I don't think my parents have ever called me to say hi. If I don't call, they never call. I'm the only one sending Christmas cards. When I do call, I have to hear complaints for 15 min how I don't call often enough. Now that my kids are teens and have no relationship with them, they complain that there's no relationship. We don't live close by and getting together requires some effort, which they are not willing to put in (as in they have never visited me). No advice. Honestly don't want to deal with any of this either.

[Anonymous]

I have a phone date with my parents every Sunday. It's been going on for 25+ years! We catch up for often 1 hour + and it's always convenient (very rare times we have to reschedule). Then during the week we just send pictures via messenger, quick messages. It works really well and is good boundaries for everyone.

[Anonymous]

My parents never call me. I stopped calling them to see when they'd call me. That was years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP. There is lots of space between "suffocating" and "never". .

Figuring it out is the issue as people aren't all the same and life isn't static.

[Anonymous]

If it were up to me, I would call each kid at least 2-3 times per week. However, I know better than that to actually do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents never call me. I stopped calling them to see when they'd call me. That was years ago.

That's an extreme case. You should feel okay to complain if you feel ignored instead of cutting each other off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents never call me. I stopped calling them to see when they'd call me. That was years ago.

We did this with ILs but broke after six months.

[Anonymous]

Well, I have to call my kids since they are of the generation that doesn't call ANYONE. They communicate with all their friends via text or What'sApp or whatever, but never call each other. They would be fine just communicating with parents via these mediums as well.

It's fine. We have an agreement to call / Face Time once per week.

[Anonymous]

People who do this to you are people who think of you as their "safe place". They think that whatever they throw at you, you will absorb because the bond of trust and love is so strong. Usually it's a child to a parent, but when parents age, the relationship can reverse.

You know this already, but don't feel the need to respond immediately. Live your life, and include them when it's convenient for you. Easier said than done, of course, if you feel guilty or if they stress you out!

[Anonymous]

As parents age, they don't have as much to add to the conversation and also as kids been away for so long, everyone's take on any given thing differs and annoyance is easy to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents only ever call me to complain about my SIL (my brother's wife). Most recently, my mom texted me cryptically to "please call me when you have a minute today" and I thought someone had died. So, I called her right away and spent 20 minutes listening to her complain about planning a visit to see my brother and his family and how my SIL was being difficult about which weeks might work for a visit. To be fair, my SIL can be a little dramatic/difficult about planning vacations. We had a family vacation fall through last year because she couldn't wait a week for me to start my new job before asking me to commit to a week-long vacation with them, despite my explanations that I couldn't commit until after I had at least met my boss. So I'm not unsympathetic to my mom's frustrations.

But she and my dad never call me (or even text) just to say hi or to ask about my kids. I once tried to see how long it would take them to contact me if I didn't contact them and, more to the point, I didn't let my kids call them either. I thought eventually they would at least ask to facetime my kids. But the experiment went on for a month and a half before I finally gave up and let my kids be the ones to call them again.

I don't necessarily need advice or anything. Just venting.

They are triangulating and it's not healthy. I would let your mom know you enjoy hearing about things she does that she enjoys are how she is doing in general, but you aren't the right person when it comes to complaining about SIL. If she truly wants a better dynamic or your SIL is so awful that she needs ideas how to maintain a relationship without losing her mind, she should consult a professional. It's telling the only way she feels she can connect with you is to complain about SIL. So much better to find ways to connect in a positive way no matter how awful you find SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents only ever call me to complain about my SIL (my brother's wife). Most recently, my mom texted me cryptically to "please call me when you have a minute today" and I thought someone had died. So, I called her right away and spent 20 minutes listening to her complain about planning a visit to see my brother and his family and how my SIL was being difficult about which weeks might work for a visit. To be fair, my SIL can be a little dramatic/difficult about planning vacations. We had a family vacation fall through last year because she couldn't wait a week for me to start my new job before asking me to commit to a week-long vacation with them, despite my explanations that I couldn't commit until after I had at least met my boss. So I'm not unsympathetic to my mom's frustrations.

But she and my dad never call me (or even text) just to say hi or to ask about my kids. I once tried to see how long it would take them to contact me if I didn't contact them and, more to the point, I didn't let my kids call them either. I thought eventually they would at least ask to facetime my kids. But the experiment went on for a month and a half before I finally gave up and let my kids be the ones to call them again.

I don't necessarily need advice or anything. Just venting.

They are triangulating and it's not healthy. I would let your mom know you enjoy hearing about things she does that she enjoys are how she is doing in general, but you aren't the right person when it comes to complaining about SIL. If she truly wants a better dynamic or your SIL is so awful that she needs ideas how to maintain a relationship without losing her mind, she should consult a professional. It's telling the only way she feels she can connect with you is to complain about SIL. So much better to find ways to connect in a positive way no matter how awful you find SIL.

It does make me wonder if she complains to my brother about me and my husband, or if it's just a one-way thing she does with me.

Unfortunately, she's the kind of person who would be offended if I recommended that she see a therapist, no matter how much it would actually help her. She tried randomly to find ways to connect with me growing up, but always in stereotypical ways that didn't actually suit either of us. She would take me to the mall when both of us hated shopping. She would book mother-daughter vacations to cute little towns that could have been fun day trips, but got boring for the long weekend she always planned. She never tried to bond over activities that she actually enjoyed; she just always seemed to try "mother-daughter" activities that she read in a magazine or something. I don't know if that would have helped, but certainly the generic activities didn't make our relationship feel real or organic.

[Anonymous]

May be she didn't know any better and tried even though it didn't come naturally nor learned from role models.