Reply to Calling to complain, but never just to say hi

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My parents only ever call me to complain about my SIL (my brother's wife). Most recently, my mom texted me cryptically to "please call me when you have a minute today" and I thought someone had died. So, I called her right away and spent 20 minutes listening to her complain about planning a visit to see my brother and his family and how my SIL was being difficult about which weeks might work for a visit. To be fair, my SIL can be a little dramatic/difficult about planning vacations. We had a family vacation fall through last year because she couldn't wait a week for me to start my new job before asking me to commit to a week-long vacation with them, despite my explanations that I couldn't commit until after I had at least [i]met [/i]my boss. So I'm not unsympathetic to my mom's frustrations.

But she and my dad never call me (or even text) just to say hi or to ask about my kids. I once tried to see how long it would take them to contact me if I didn't contact them and, more to the point, I didn't let my kids call them either. I thought eventually they would at least ask to facetime my kids. But the experiment went on for a month and a half before I finally gave up and let my kids be the ones to call them again.

I don't necessarily need advice or anything. Just venting.[/quote]

They are triangulating and it's not healthy. I would let your mom know you enjoy hearing about things she does that she enjoys are how she is doing in general, but you aren't the right person when it comes to complaining about SIL. If she truly wants a better dynamic or your SIL is so awful that she needs ideas how to maintain a relationship without losing her mind, she should consult a professional. It's telling the only way she feels she can connect with you is to complain about SIL. So much better to find ways to connect in a positive way no matter how awful you find SIL.[/quote]
It does make me wonder if she complains to my brother about me and my husband, or if it's just a one-way thing she does with me.

Unfortunately, she's the kind of person who would be offended if I recommended that she see a therapist, no matter how much it would actually help her. She tried randomly to find ways to connect with me growing up, but always in stereotypical ways that didn't actually suit either of us. She would take me to the mall when both of us hated shopping. She would book mother-daughter vacations to cute little towns that could have been fun day trips, but got boring for the long weekend she always planned. She never tried to bond over activities that she actually enjoyed; she just always seemed to try "mother-daughter" activities that she read in a magazine or something. I don't know if that would have helped, but certainly the generic activities didn't make our relationship feel real or organic.[/quote]

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