How do middle aged straight men make new male friends?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
This is a spinoff of the post about men who have mostly female friends. I'm in that situation. Once I hit my twenties, I almost completely stopped spending time with men. The problem got worse after I got married. I can hang out with a guy once every few months if I'm lucky. We will get a beer, go to a game or do something like that. I call guys I know and they say they want to get together, but it usually doesn't happen. The imbalance in my friendships got even worse after I got divorced.
Women ask me to do stuff with them a few times a week. Sometimes I'm asked to do stuff by women I met at school or work or my kid's school, sometimes I'm asked to do stuff by women I met on a dating app but we decided right away to just be friends (quick "friendzone"), and sometimes I'm asked by exes. Fortunately, my GF is OK with me socializing with women, even exes, as long as I tell her. She and I are in an exclusive relationship. I usually call her right before I see another women and right after too, and sometimes I invite her along. My question really isn't about how to handle non-sexual friendships with women. My question is how to make male-male friendships. Is it possible once you've hit middle age? |
Anonymous
| We moved to a new neighborhood a few years ago with several families who have kids around the same age as ours. They go to the same schools and DH has formed friendships with a few of the dads. |
Anonymous
|
My husband has this same issue, OP. He ended up making a friend through me a few years ago. We actually bought a house near them so that they could hang out more easily, those male friendships are so difficult to make. I would say that I’m just as close with his wife, and their kids call us “aunt” and “uncle” and vice versa, but I have a few friends like this.
It’s hard to be a man. |
Anonymous
| My husband is very, very good at making male friends. He basically asks people to play his sport (tennis) with him. Or if they like something else, like biking, he will go and do it with them. He has made a lot of friends this way. I have noticed that he takes a lot of interest in what other men have to say and likes to ask other men for advice and likes their opinion on things. If they have a hobby or something they are really interested in he will listen very attentively and be very admiring. I think he makes other men feel good about themselves. There's no weirdness to it either, he's just a friendly guys guy. |
Anonymous
That’s emotional intelligence |
Anonymous
|
I have no easy answers but I can tell you how my very social husband does it. His friends meet regularly. Like a pp said, the dad's of our children's friends were an easy link from when our kids were toddlers in the same neighborhood. Now 18 years later, they still meet up regularly. They meet weekly (Fridays after work) at a cigar place. He has another group of a few friends who meet typically on Sundays for an hour or two at the store one of them has downtown. That group talks politics which he was involved with for years. The meeting have evolved over the years....for awhile it was poker, for awhile game nights, etc. In the summer they come and hang out on the porch on a late saturday adternoon before dinner. Finding a local an interest and then going may help. Keep it local...is there a neighbor or two you could invite over? Are there couples through your partners friends? Proximity and consistency maintain friendships. You have to make the effort and invest over and over. It's easiest to do that with people closeby.
|
Anonymous
My husband is similar. Just open and friendly, engages easily and is easy to talk to. |
Anonymous
| My DH is an introvert but does have a lot of close friends from childhood, former work places etc. There are some people he has hit it off with through our kids etc. When I see he gets along really well with another guy, I make an effort to hang out with that couple/family more as the introversion in DH prevents him from really making an effort to make newer friends. Have you thought about finding couples to ask to dinner or families to do game nights with? Could help break the ice and get a friendship off the ground that way. |
Anonymous
| You join something. A sports team, quiz league etc. and then do stuff one one with with the people you like. Make friends with bf and she of your partners friends etc. |
Anonymous
NP. This is how my husband is, too. The common activities aren't sports but he is in a couple of community bands and has met friends that way, and he voluneers extensively for an extracurricular academic organization and meets people through that as well. He doesn't necessarily have a lot of time to go "do things with the guys" kind of stuff, but he definitely has both male and female friends. And he proactively reached out, a few years ago, to an old friend from back in high school days. Now they Zoom a few times each month (the friend lives overseas) and just chat about the news, their families, their jobs, etc. They have been great about catching up and staying in touch consistently, so they have gotten to be even better friends. Like the PP's husband, my DH is good at listening to other people and asking questions about their interests. So, OP, I'd suggest you join some new activities, organizations, sports, volunteer groups --whatever genuinely interests and engages you anyway. Then you are likelier to meet men who share your interests and your values, too. Good basis for friendships. Also, if you have or had old friends you know are around, it doesn't hurt to reach out and say you'd like to catch up. Doing that really paid off for my DH with a renewed guy friendship. |
Anonymous
| DH meets guys playing golf at the club. |
Anonymous
|
Pick up golf. When I started playing more seriously, I posted in a local Facebook group looking for playing partners of similar (high and not very good) handicap to struggle around the course with. We'd occasionally get paired up with people we got along with and add them to our text group.
I started playing golf more seriously around age 40 for context. |
Anonymous
| Re: Golf, or any other sport--don't twist yourself into a pretzel trying to pick up any activity solely to meet friends, unless you're genuinely interested in that activity for its own sake. Try new things, of course; that's good for any of us. But don't try to gin up interest in something you really wouldn't ever pursue otherwise. Better to meet people through an actual sincere interest. You're likelier to find friends with whom you have more in common. |
Anonymous
| Most friends I have met in middle age are through sports (golf, basketball, tennis) or work. I also joined an ex-pat club and met some great friends through there. If you aren't an ex-pat, join the local chapter of your college alumni, go to the football watch parties, etc. |
Anonymous
I had to check the date on this to see if it was an old thread and I had written it but I didn't. My husband is the same. He has his friends from college, then his friends from after college who are mostly job-related, then the friends he made when we moved to our neighborhood. We do a lot of social activities together and the guys take the kids on an annual trip and then they go on a guys trip. It takes someone to be willing to plan that stuff, so I'd suggest reaching out and making plans with people and then seeing what else you have time for. My husband and three of his friends get breakfast together every few months, they play poker once a month, etc. |