Caring for Elderly Aunt

[Anonymous]

What's my obligation to take care of my aunt who has never taken care of herself? My aunt is 78 and she and her husband are not doing well. She lives in the Boston area, and I'm in DC. I am her only relative. She has no savings, never taken care of her health, lives in complete hoarder filth, etc. She literally has no plans or money. My dad (her brother, my parents were divorced) was the same, and he died young b/c he didn't take care of himself, and I had to clean out his completely disgusting apartment, and I'm still traumatized by it. I’m an only child.

My aunt's husband has been in the hospital for a few months, but thankfully his adult kids are caring for him (aunt and husband married about 10 years ago). Since then, my aunt's health has also gone downhill, mostly in the form of dementia. She is having hallucinations all day. In the past week, she called the police three times b/c "people were in house" or her parents (long deceased) were in her house and she couldn't wake them. When she visits her husband in the hospital, she spends her whole time yelling horrendous racist things at the nurses/aides.

On Saturday, the police took her to the hospital, and she has a UTI that they say is causing all of this but is otherwise "fine." They gave her antibiotics, and sent her home. I'm sure she won't take the antibiotics. Same thing happened about 2 months ago, and she checked herself out of the ER against medical advice, and never followed through with her meds (for UTI or her diabetes meds and blood thinners that she's supposed to be on since a stroke about 12 years ago but rarely takes). She also can barely walk due to the effects of her stroke, but refused any form of physical therapy. And, FWIW, she has been this way her whole life, but it's all just magnified now.

I’m really struggling with feeling guilty here about what I should do b/c I don’t see things getting better. My aunt and I were close when I was a kid and until a few years ago. This sounds terrible, but I don’t want to upend my life (4 kids, work full time, etc.). She never did one thing to take care of herself. And, I’m just now processing in therapy how my aunt was complicit in the emotional abuse, neglect, and downright dangerous situations that I endured as a child and the complex PTSD that it led to as an adult. I’m finally in a healthier place.

That’s all a very long story, but what would would you do/recommend? She won’t accept any outside help, someone to help come clean, etc. My mom lives near her and is on the receiving end of her phone calls about hallucinations all day long. Her husband's kids are also getting drawn into helping her, and they don't want to b/c they don't like her.

[Anonymous]

Figure out what you are willing to do without resentment and figure out your boundaries. You said she was complicit in abuse so factor that in. Your boundary can even include not being willing to take time from your own family at all. Contact the council on aging and adult protective services in her area to find out what is available for free for her. APS will do free check-ins, but it's her choice whether or not to open the door.

One of my aunt-laws was difficult, stubborn and had abusive tendencies with her children. She refused all services provided and was declining quite a bit. She died earlier than expected, but on her terms while she still had some independence. I can't imagine she would have been better off declining into having no independence at all and suffering quite a bit.

[Anonymous]

I might consider her step kids and see what they are willing, able todo. And I might consider sending $, ordering from Amazon or grocery service for them or Meals on Wheels, and visiting once a year.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Her step kids won't do much (and I don't feel like they should have to). They have never really had a relationship and don't even like her very much. She has also been pretty mean to them since her husband got sick.

After her trip to the ER a few months ago, elder services called to check on her, and she told them "NEVER call me again" and said she would never open the door to them.

[Anonymous]

No obligation.

[Anonymous]

No obligation at all.

You also can’t do anything. Hoarders have a severe form of OCD. You could clean everything out or buy her a brand new house and within weeks it would be filled to the rafters and filth. Even hoarders who have a nice rather than aggressive personality can get very angry at any attempts to help them remove their hoard. It sounds like your aunt is aggressive so it would be even worse.

[Anonymous]

The issue is if you get involved at all even the tiniest bit you will get sucked in. A social worker/hospital worker/medical provider/ husband’s kids will indeed expect you to do more and more and then be 100% responsible for her.

So sadly, don’t start. Sorry to say that’s how it works.

[Anonymous]

What is it you think you can or should do?

I can’t think of a lot of ways to help a person who so obviously refuses all help.

[Anonymous]

You're right--I'm not sure I would do other than maybe drive her to see her husband in the hospital or bring her food.

Also, thank you all for your kind replies. I have a lot of emotional baggage with this aunt that I'm trying to unpack in therapy beyond her complicities in my childhood trauma.

Basically for my entire life, she would tell me that I was the only person who loved her, only one could make her smile, she needed my kids (who she has met only once) and me to come up to Boston to visit to give her hugs or she would be miserable, she needed to hear my voice because nothing else made her happy, etc. And, f I didn't do those things exactly when she needed them, it must mean that I don't love her and no one loves her. All the while, doing very little to help herself.

So yeah, lots of things tangled in this, and your objective opinions are very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You're right--I'm not sure I would do other than maybe drive her to see her husband in the hospital or bring her food.

Also, thank you all for your kind replies. I have a lot of emotional baggage with this aunt that I'm trying to unpack in therapy beyond her complicities in my childhood trauma.

Basically for my entire life, she would tell me that I was the only person who loved her, only one could make her smile, she needed my kids (who she has met only once) and me to come up to Boston to visit to give her hugs or she would be miserable, she needed to hear my voice because nothing else made her happy, etc. And, f I didn't do those things exactly when she needed them, it must mean that I don't love her and no one loves her. All the while, doing very little to help herself.

So yeah, lots of things tangled in this, and your objective opinions are very helpful.

So she was highly manipulative and inappropriate with you as a child? I would definitely have major boundaries and not get sucked into interactions with her or caring for her. If you love her despite all this, love her with very long arms/at a distance. I would simply alert APS, even though it sounds like you tried them already. See if they can check in on her for free monthly. One day she may be so desperate that she opens the door for them or she may prefer to self-destruct. I would not allow her to share you number for emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Here’s what I would do: nothing. I would feel a bit guilty about it, but really op this is no way to live and this woman needs to die. It’s good she stopped taking her meds hopefully that will end her misery sooner.

[Anonymous]

Protect yourself and 4 kids. You have zero obligation to get involved with this train wreck. Not your circus and you should feel no guilt. Block phone for your own mental health. You cant fix this and will only suffer if you try.

[Anonymous]

Just talk to your mom and she might tell you how you can help.

[Anonymous]

Prioritize yourself and your kids.
You have zero obligation.

[Anonymous]

I think what you should do is advise your mom to stop taking her calls. Your poor mom is bearing the brunt of this. Advise your mom to Block your aunt most days. Your mom can check on her when she wants to. This woman will eventually fall in her hoarder hovel and die.