My abusive father - options as an adult?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My father, 83, has been emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me my whole life. My older sister has also been verbally and emotionally abused, but not to the extent that I have been.
He was placed in a rehab hospital a couple weeks ago because he can't walk. Since he arrived he has been verbally and emotionally abusive to staff, including shouting racist remarks and hurling objects their direction, and refuses to do any activity that would benefit him physically (PT and OT). Insurance is about to kick him out because he refuses to make progress. My sister and I have tried everything to help. He refuses any help we offer. I know he is scared and frustrated, and likely has early stage dementia, but the way he is treating everyone is next level. Today I was verbally abused again on the phone then disowned and hung up on. Can my sister and I just walk away? I think of his situation and think others have had to be in his shoes and they didn't have kids or family members who can help. This is taking a toll on our health, families, and our own relationships. But I know if we walk away he has no other support and I really don't know what happens to him. We have called APS and they have a social worker familiar with his case, but that is about it. When do you get to say "no more" to a parent? I have tremendous guilt walking away from him but I can't do this anymore. |
Anonymous
| You should have walked away a long time ago, OP. A shortened lifespan will decrease the risk he continues to hurt people. |
Anonymous
| Yes. Walk away. |
Anonymous
| Walk away. |
Anonymous
| Is he on antidepressants? For elderly men, they seem to cut down on anger issues. Setting this up before you walk away could be a kindness to the staff who will continue to work with him. |
Anonymous
We haven't but this is a great idea. Thank you. As for the others saying walk away, I don't know how to get over the guilt of doing so. And can I be liable for refusing to help him anymore now that he is in a facility? |
Anonymous
| You’ve done all you could, OP. Some people can’t be helped. |
Anonymous
I guess they would transfer him to a Medicaid facility and the caseworkers there would get him to sign stuff. They might try to reach you but I guess you could state that you are no longer to be contacted or just ignore the calls. |
Anonymous
| My father was an alcoholic and quite abusive. He went down hill and ended up in assisted living. He too was acting a fool to the workers and to the family. We walked away. We have to protect ourselves before we protect anyone else. We signed over all rights and guardianship went to the state. He died a week later and honestly, was a huge relief to not only the family but i truly believe himself as well. |
Anonymous
|
You were victimized and I don’t think you have an obligation. That said, if you and your sister can comfortably provide $ with no contact, that’s a valid choice. Electing to have mercy on someone who doesn’t deserve it is equally as ok as walking away. But you don’t need to have a relationship.
I walked away from one poisonous, extremely violent elder who had always been like that. Another relative felt guilt/obligation to provide financially and had the means to do it. |
Anonymous
|
Walk. Away.
What would you tell your children if someone was emotionally, mentally and phsically abusing them? Walk. Away. Be done. May he reap what he has sown. He deserves to be alone. |
Anonymous
| I'd have walked away years ago. |
Anonymous
No, you're not liable. Very few states have laws for adult children to provide for elderly parents, and these are almost never enforced. Most patients in nursing homes with behavioral issues are medicated into a stupor. If he's alert and strong enough to refuse those meds, it's going to be very difficult for the staff to deal with him... and it won't be your problem either! |
Anonymous
| You need a professional to help you understand why you feel guilt for separating yourself from a person who has "been emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to me my whole life." Take biology and age out of it. Would you stay with a partner who did that? Work for an employer who did that? Remain loyal to a friend who did that? I might understand if this was a formerly-loving parent who's age was causing them to behave in new ways. But this is a lifelong pattern. You have been given nothing - walk away and leave nothing. |
Anonymous
This. Consider this behavior is actually a symptom of his suffering. It would be cruel to extend his life and allow him, you, and everyone else to suffer. |