The complexity of looking out for an elder with absuive tendencies

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to commiserate with others. My mother had abusive tendencies my whole life (rage, insult attacks, threats, manipulation) and boundary issues (sharing too much when i was too young and expecting comfort, highly controlling), but could cycle into a much kinder and warmer person too which is why I still love her. Plus, I find that many of us who are generation X find the normal range was wider back then than it is now-friends were spanked hard enough to leave a mark, though I wasn't, parental threats were not considered "abuse", moms sometimes flew into rages, etc. I had friends from all different cultures and even what we considered clear abuse back then was considered normal within their culture. So....it's complicated.

Same parent is even more abusive with age-much better on medication, but when there isn't dementia, they have even more of a right to go off meds. I have needed to outsource to protect my family. The issue is-when you have a parent who at this stage is downright abusive when stressed, they are more at risk of being abused. I stepped back with the help of a therapist because if I said any of the things back to her that she said to me, it would be considered elder abuse. So I didn't want to cross a line and I had nothing left. Nobody can force her to stay on medication and yet she has been fired by doctors, aides, uber drivers, elder drivers, etc. Better that they fire her then snap and abuse. Her aunt was the same way, but at least was willing to go into assisted living where it's much easier to keep someone properly medicated.

So I guess I just want to commiserate. While it's still murky to me, any therapist will tell you I did experience emotional and verbal abuse as a child and adult. I am making sure this parent has proper care and making sure I don't cross a line in response to bad behavior. It is just so challenging to love, but often not like a parent and try to protect them knowing if any professional snapped it would have definitely been provoked. There is so much out of my control that I just have to accept. Anyone relate? I am basically trying to protect someone who I need to protect myself from...

[Anonymous]

Why not out her in assisted living via medicaid? Get on the wait list while you still can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not out her in assisted living via medicaid? Get on the wait list while you still can.

She refuses.

[Anonymous]

My mother was very difficult, I had to basically leave her be to avoid what you describe. My sincere advice for you is to distance yourself as much as you can even if it means the person isn’t cared for. Do I feel sorry I never called her back as she wanted to keep berating me on the phone? NO.

[Anonymous]

I can relate OP.

Here were my guiding principles when I was in the weeds of my parents' lingering deaths. Maybe one or more of these will help you.
- Safety first. I prioritized their overall safety. This was often in conflict with what they wanted, but was a nonnegotiable for me. It helped me make difficult decisions (where they needed to be, whether they could come home, how much support/freedom was involved in their day to day, when hospice had to be called in, etc...) Safety first also made it easier for me to say no to things. FOr instance, I didn't have to upend my life to ensure them being in their own home if it wasn't the safest solution.
- From someone here on DCUM: "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
- From others here - prioritize the next generation. My top priority is my kids - their well being, their needs, etc... That doesn't mean they didn't take a backseat sometimes when I needed to ensure care for my parent(s), but it means that for big picture thinking they were and are my top priority. Very very often the boundaries that were hard to put in place for my own sanity, were very easy to establish and maintain when I framed it in terms of what was best for my kids. (Could my abusive father come live with us? Clear no in terms of exposing my kids to what I experienced. Should be a clear no for me also, but that's what therapy is for! lol)
- They are adults. Whether or not I agree with their decisions, or the choices they made, if they are essentially in their right mind then they have the right to make poor decisions. That is neither my fault, nor my responsibility. It is not terrible to acknowledge that they made the bed they now lie in. Also, I reframed some of those battles as me respecting their wishes and their right to run their own lives. I don't agree w/ how my mother managed her care in her last months, but I know that I helped her do what she wanted to do (mostly in terms of continuing to fight versus facing the inevitable) and I take comfort in that now after she's gone. I honored her agency in her own life.
- Sacrificing myself (mentally, emotionally, physically) ultimately doesn't help anyone - including them - in the long run. I have to stay sane in order to take care of everyone around me. If limiting my exposure to their hurtful behaviors is necessary, then so be it - that is in service of how I defined my responsibility, which was to keep them as safe and well cared for as was possible for me to ensure.

Hope there's a kernel or two in there that might be helpful. Hang in there - it will be bumpy and deeply imperfect but you will find your way through and you will be ok in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not out her in assisted living via medicaid? Get on the wait list while you still can.

Medicaid in this area only pays for nursing homes, not assisted living.