Reply to The complexity of looking out for an elder with absuive tendencies

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[quote=Anonymous]   Just wanted to commiserate with others. My mother had abusive tendencies my whole life (rage, insult attacks, threats, manipulation) and boundary issues (sharing too much when i was too young and expecting comfort, highly controlling), but could cycle into a much kinder and warmer person too which is why I still love her. Plus, I find that many of us who are generation X find the normal range was wider back then than it is now-friends were spanked hard enough to leave a mark, though I wasn't, parental threats were not considered "abuse", moms sometimes flew into rages, etc. I had friends from all different cultures and even what we considered clear abuse back then was considered normal within their culture. So....it's complicated.

Same parent is even more abusive with age-much better on medication, but when there isn't dementia, they have even more of a right to go off meds. I have needed to outsource to protect my family. The issue is-when you have a parent who at this stage is downright abusive when stressed, they are more at risk of being abused. I stepped back with the help of a therapist because if I said any of the things back to her that she said to me, it would be considered elder abuse. So I didn't want to cross a line and I had nothing left. Nobody can force her to stay on medication and yet she has been fired by doctors, aides, uber drivers, elder drivers, etc. Better that they fire her then snap and abuse. Her aunt was the same way, but at least was willing to go into assisted living where it's much easier to keep someone properly medicated.

So I guess I just want to commiserate. While it's still murky to me, any therapist will tell you I did experience emotional and verbal abuse as a child and adult. I am making sure this parent has proper care and making sure I don't cross a line in response to bad behavior. It is just so challenging to love, but often not like a parent and try to protect them knowing if any professional snapped it would have definitely been provoked. There is so much out of my control that I just have to accept. Anyone relate? I am basically trying to protect someone who I need to protect myself from...[/quote]

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