Reply to The complexity of looking out for an elder with absuive tendencies

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[quote=Anonymous]I can relate OP.

Here were my guiding principles when I was in the weeds of my parents' lingering deaths. Maybe one or more of these will help you.
- Safety first. I prioritized their overall safety. This was often in conflict with what they wanted, but was a nonnegotiable for me. It helped me make difficult decisions (where they needed to be, whether they could come home, how much support/freedom was involved in their day to day, when hospice had to be called in, etc...) Safety first also made it easier for me to say no to things. FOr instance, I didn't have to upend my life to ensure them being in their own home if it wasn't the safest solution. 
- From someone here on DCUM: "You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." 
- From others here - prioritize the next generation. My top priority is my kids - their well being, their needs, etc... That doesn't mean they didn't take a backseat sometimes when I needed to ensure care for my parent(s), but it means that for big picture thinking they were and are my top priority. Very very often the boundaries that were hard to put in place for my own sanity, were very easy to establish and maintain when I framed it in terms of what was best for my kids. (Could my abusive father come live with us? Clear no in terms of exposing my kids to what I experienced. Should be a clear no for me also, but that's what therapy is for! lol)
- They are adults. Whether or not I agree with their decisions, or the choices they made, if they are essentially in their right mind then they have the right to make poor decisions. That is neither my fault, nor my responsibility. It is not terrible to acknowledge that they made the bed they now lie in. Also, I reframed some of those battles as me respecting their wishes and their right to run their own lives. I don't agree w/ how my mother managed her care in her last months, but I know that I helped her do what she wanted to do (mostly in terms of continuing to fight versus facing the inevitable) and I take comfort in that now after she's gone. I honored her agency in her own life. 
- Sacrificing myself (mentally, emotionally, physically) ultimately doesn't help anyone - including them - in the long run. I have to stay sane in order to take care of everyone around me. If limiting my exposure to their hurtful behaviors is necessary, then so be it - that is in service of how I defined my responsibility, which was to keep them as safe and well cared for as was possible for me to ensure.

Hope there's a kernel or two in there that might be helpful. Hang in there - it will be bumpy and deeply imperfect but you will find your way through and you will be ok in the long run.

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