Mom wants to move out of assisted living--please help with talking points

[Anonymous]

My mom likely has dementia and moved to assisted living 2 months ago. She was doing very poorly and was pretty out of it when she moved but is now doing significantly better in AL, with eating, meds, seeing people, better sleep schedule.

But, now she's saying she wants to go home because everything is fine and she can take care of herself.

Half the time she talks about how much she loves the place, so I don't think it's anything specific to the place.

I'm not sure what to say to her. Sometimes I ignore/make passive comments (but she becomes more determined to move).

Sometime I tell her she moved because she has significant memory issues. We have a huge discussion about it, she goes back to loving being at AL...but then she forgets and goes back to wanting to move.

I'm sure there's a better way for me to handle, if you could give me talking points.

[Anonymous]

You say she becomes more determined to move, but what does that mean? Could she move out without your help? How does she see that working?

A friend deflects her mother's pronouncements with nudges: "We're supposed to get storms tonight, so could you at least stay here until tomorrow?" "Can you make a list of everything they do for you here so we can figure out how to replicate it if you go somewhere else?"

[Anonymous]

(How is her hearing? Check that. There's a correlation between hearing loss and dementia.)

Can you put up a piece of paper on the fridge or somewhere with the reasons she's doing well in Assisted Living and how she wouldn't have those supports if she moved "home"? That way she can refer to it rather than make you talk it through every time.

[Anonymous]

I would not try to convince her. Just...don't let it happen.

"Oh you want to move out? Where would you like to move? Oh yeah that's great. I love the Piggly Wiggly over in that neighborhood. Oh and that ice cream shop too! One time I went..."

[Anonymous]

I would get guidance from the staff. Do they have a social worker that knows her? We were advised to use therapeutic lies, but it was advice from people who knew our mom well enough to know what might help. Often you cannot reason with them the way you could before dementia and they often don't have the awareness that they have dementia.

We had to say things like "Sorry mom, they are painting your house and removing old carpeting, it will be another few weeks." "They found x,y,z bugs and are fumigating. You can't inhale those fumes."Reasoning with her made her angry, but having a made up reason why she could not return right now with the hope it was temporary calmed her. She did not have the cognitive capacity to say "hey, it's been a month, aren't they done?" She just needed up to pretend she was fine and there was a reason other than her aging for her to be at this place.

[Anonymous]

I think the routine advice is to delay.

"Oh, you've only been here two months. Let's give it another month and talk then."

[Anonymous]

Tell her you can all talk about it when "the contract ends." Throw in something about medical insurance working on it. That will buy you a ton of time!! Then focus on the things she lokes about being there and talk about one of them that's upcoming. "Are you excited for the XYZ next week? You really enjoyed that last time so I'm happy you can do it again."

[Anonymous]

She is where she needs to be. You would not focus on changing the mind of a toddler - when safety is involved. No one is moving her. If no one moves her, she doesn't move.

[Anonymous]

Dedlect delay. When that stops working tell her you are worried how lonely she will become without the community of people she now has and that your visits will be fewer because of all your various life obligations. See if that strikes a chord.

[Anonymous]

*Deflect

[Anonymous]

As the dementia gets worse you just ramp up the bold face lies. It sounds awful but that is the only way I can deal with my mother with dementia.

So when your mother says she wants to move you reply something like:

Okay I will look into it for you tomorrow

When the contract for this year runs out for assisted living, then I can help you move

Your old place is being renovated until April, so you need to wait until then

Then you change the subject.

[Anonymous]

I would just say I understand mom, I’m sorry it has to be this way.

[Anonymous]

Redirect; lie but never directly contradict.

My mom is so far gone now that she doesn’t remember the day, or even hour, before.

Here’s a story: mom has made a male friend in memory care and they hang out a lot. No hanky panky but she takes naps with him sometimes and they always eat together. The other day his wife visited (tbh I didn’t know he was married either). My mom was horrified and shocked to discover he was married! We talked extensively about it and she was so angry and felt humiliated and decided it was over.

The next day I visited her and they were hang out and she was telling fine what a sweetheart he was. She had no recall of the day before.

I have no idea how his wife feels about things either but the further dementia gets the more people live in the moment. The other thing I’ll say is that occasionally my mom will talk about wanting to leave, go home (home being across the country) etc. increasingly when I take her out even for a meal she becomes very disoriented when she returns to memory care and wondering why she is there. Wanting to go home etc. I am increasingly visiting her there rather than taking her out.

[Anonymous]

Just dodge and lie. Sometimes it helps to just ask more about something adjacent. Like “oh yes, I remember those roses you grew at the house on Maple St. When did you prune them?” Or something. “We can put that on the list to discuss with the director at our check in on Thursday. We had breakfast at Local Diner last week. The waffles were just okay.”

[Anonymous]

A relative stayed at home with dementia. She wanted to go home…to her childhood home, which had been sold 30 years prior. So don’t beat yourself up about it.

It’s not about the bricks and the furniture, they want to feel like themselves and feel a sense of agency and confidence that they can’t get to any more. So try to hear that message and don’t get fixated with them on the house. If there’s anything you can do with them that does make them feel like themselves, try to pivot to that. Whether it’s gossip, listening to music, whatever.