Mom wants to move out of assisted living--please help with talking points

[Anonymous]

You do not need talking points. Just keep her in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not need talking points. Just keep her in there.

You need to think about trying to explain/discuss with a toddler. Elderly, especially with dementia, function at that level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do not need talking points. Just keep her in there.

You need to think about trying to explain/discuss with a toddler. Elderly, especially with dementia, function at that level.

This...sort of, but not exactly. She is a different person in a lot of ways due to the brain changes. You likely can't reason with her so keep it simple, but don't talk to her like she's a toddler because they can often sense this. Things like "I wish it could be different" are not concrete enough and are asking for a different level of thinking that may be gone. That's where the gentle excuses/lies come in. It could be any of the ones suggested from "We paid for the month, and can reevaluate then" to "the house is being painted inside and out and then new floors are being put in." That will make more sense and it's easy to comprehend. They pick up emotion so manage any sadness or guilt that you have and be matter of fact with the excuse.

Also think of the alternative. Some people have fallen for their requests to go back home (which really means as others have said-go back to life before dementia during an easier phase, not necessarily their actual home). Every situation that I have read...they regret giving into mom and mom isn't satisfied at all because it was never about fixing everything by being back in their house or living with the adult child. They long for a life they cannot have. You could do backflips and be back to having an unhappy parent.

Better to find ways to make AL a little more comfortable. Maybe the staff have ideas-such as a person who might be a nice friend to sit at lunch with, an emotional support animal she should meet when they visit, an activity she might want to try, and/or perhaps an evaluation for a medication that might help her get some relief so she can do the things eh might enjoy.

[Anonymous]

"We're moving you next week"

Every time it comes up.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to the healthcare team at her place, but with my Dad-who had Parkinsons related dementia, which was milder than other dementias-I had to use theraputic lies occasionally.

Dad- 'My sister is coming to pick me up after work' (sister was 81 and lives 1200 miles away). Me-'oh, she called me and said she's working late and can't get you, let's have dinner, do you want ice cream for dessert?'
Stuff like that.

They can't help that they say things that are not realistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A relative stayed at home with dementia. She wanted to go home…to her childhood home, which had been sold 30 years prior. So don’t beat yourself up about it.

It’s not about the bricks and the furniture, they want to feel like themselves and feel a sense of agency and confidence that they can’t get to any more. So try to hear that message and don’t get fixated with them on the house. If there’s anything you can do with them that does make them feel like themselves, try to pivot to that. Whether it’s gossip, listening to music, whatever.

This is insightful and helpful to maintain compassion - thanks!