Identical twin girls size difference starting to cause body issues

[Anonymous]

I have 8-year-old year identical twin girls. They were born with TTTS and about 2.5 pounds apart.

As they’ve aged the size difference has increased.

O is the smaller twin. She’s very petite and cute and gets lots of attention from adults and peers. She’s about the size of a child 2-3 younger. She requires a high calorie diet and extra medical attention to continue to grow.

I is average size for her age. She’s not super tall and an average build and very athletic.

I has started restricting food because she sees O get positive attention for being so small. She craves being called tiny and cute and it breaks my heart. She is a perfectly healthy, strong, smart girl but her self confidence is so bad because she does not get that attention.

I don’t know how to help her understand she’s so lucky she’s healthy and able bodied.

Would you suggest counseling? Individually or with her sister?

[Anonymous]

I would start with individual and only bring in the other twin if/when you have a level of trust and the therapist recommends it.

[Anonymous]

Also, as a larger girl who was always tall and large: SPORTS! Make sure she’s involved in sports.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how to help,but don’t tell her she should be feeling lucky about something that is distressing her. Good luck

[Anonymous]

The only person that needs therapy is you OP. You described your smaller twin girl as petite AND cute. You did not say the other is athletic AND cute. Shame on you, you are creating a very insecure child.

[Anonymous]

My sister was a very tiny little kid. She hated being called cute and people treating her younger. I am surprised O is not the unhappy one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only person that needs therapy is you OP. You described your smaller twin girl as petite AND cute. You did not say the other is athletic AND cute. Shame on you, you are creating a very insecure child.

Ignore this person, OP. I would start by taking opportunities to pump up your daughter who is average build/size vis a vis sports and help her channel positive energy into that. Have a frank heart to heart with her about all the ways she’s wonderful and your concern about what you see she’s doing. If you continue to see harmful behaviors like what you described, therapy for her solo would be something I’d pursue.

[Anonymous]

I’d soak with a therapist who does parent coaching. For sure, I’d put the word out to everyone that you know to stop commenting on the kids’ bodies.

My DC was sad about being shorter than other boys. He’s into space. I told him he was lucky to be “astronaut sized”. It changed his outlook and now he likes his height. I speak about his body as little as possible, since addressing the issue. Is your daughter into something that you could use in the same way? Since she’s restricting, I’d only attempt this with a therapist‘a guidance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, as a larger girl who was always tall and large: SPORTS! Make sure she’s involved in sports.

She’s not large, she’s an average good size and not everyone likes to play sports. The problem is her twin is petite. I don’t know why an 8 year old would want to look like she’s 5 years old but she won’t feel this way long.

[Anonymous]

You 100% need to get I into therapy before she develops a full blown eating disorder.

You also should absolutely make sure to get her involved in a sport or two where her size is an asset.

[Anonymous]

I was the “big” twin. Even if “tiny” and “bigger” or “average” are accurate words, a standard 8 year old has the intelligence to know which adjectives are valuable and which aren’t. My mom would pretend to dismiss people’s comment about my tiny cute twin and brush them off, but her body language and facial expression gave her away every time. She absolutely relished the status that having a tiny, cute attractive kid gave her. She would dress us in coordinated outfits, but if there was a cuter color or fabric or set, it always went to my sister. Her argument was that it was hard to be small and she was only trying to make my sister feel better.

Even worse, my mom made comments during my teen years about how my tiny twin needed to eat more and gain weight, and then would look at me with a pointed silence and give me more vegetables or something. I never got new shoes and only ever had rental skates and skis because “who knows when you’ll stop growing”, but tiny twin got them because they were small? It went on and on.

I grew up and ended up with an eating disorder and live 3000 miles from my mom. The crazy thing is that I’m a small adult and was always a small child! I stopped growing in 6th grade and photos from back then are crazy- I was really not big.

Don’t compare and don’t even subconsciously relish the attention the small one gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the “big” twin. Even if “tiny” and “bigger” or “average” are accurate words, a standard 8 year old has the intelligence to know which adjectives are valuable and which aren’t. My mom would pretend to dismiss people’s comment about my tiny cute twin and brush them off, but her body language and facial expression gave her away every time. She absolutely relished the status that having a tiny, cute attractive kid gave her. She would dress us in coordinated outfits, but if there was a cuter color or fabric or set, it always went to my sister. Her argument was that it was hard to be small and she was only trying to make my sister feel better.

Even worse, my mom made comments during my teen years about how my tiny twin needed to eat more and gain weight, and then would look at me with a pointed silence and give me more vegetables or something. I never got new shoes and only ever had rental skates and skis because “who knows when you’ll stop growing”, but tiny twin got them because they were small? It went on and on.

I grew up and ended up with an eating disorder and live 3000 miles from my mom. The crazy thing is that I’m a small adult and was always a small child! I stopped growing in 6th grade and photos from back then are crazy- I was really not big.

Don’t compare and don’t even subconsciously relish the attention the small one gets.

I had parents who did this to my sister and me and we were not even twins. I was a healthy weight and my parents convinced me I was chubby when my bmi was a 21. I don’t know why my parents did this. It truly shocks me as a woman who now has her own daughter and would never say one word to her about her appearance other than to tell her how beautiful she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the “big” twin. Even if “tiny” and “bigger” or “average” are accurate words, a standard 8 year old has the intelligence to know which adjectives are valuable and which aren’t. My mom would pretend to dismiss people’s comment about my tiny cute twin and brush them off, but her body language and facial expression gave her away every time. She absolutely relished the status that having a tiny, cute attractive kid gave her. She would dress us in coordinated outfits, but if there was a cuter color or fabric or set, it always went to my sister. Her argument was that it was hard to be small and she was only trying to make my sister feel better.

Even worse, my mom made comments during my teen years about how my tiny twin needed to eat more and gain weight, and then would look at me with a pointed silence and give me more vegetables or something. I never got new shoes and only ever had rental skates and skis because “who knows when you’ll stop growing”, but tiny twin got them because they were small? It went on and on.

I grew up and ended up with an eating disorder and live 3000 miles from my mom. The crazy thing is that I’m a small adult and was always a small child! I stopped growing in 6th grade and photos from back then are crazy- I was really not big.

Don’t compare and don’t even subconsciously relish the attention the small one gets.

This is so sad I'm so sorry. Thank you and OP for this insight. My oldest is very small and my younger two girls are tall for their age. My oldest hates being the smallest in her class and hates being called "tiny" by her friends so I try to make her feel good about it and use words like "petite" and "cute", but I should be more careful because I don't want my younger two to ever feel their mom favors that body type over theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only person that needs therapy is you OP. You described your smaller twin girl as petite AND cute. You did not say the other is athletic AND cute. Shame on you, you are creating a very insecure child.

Good catch, PP.

[Anonymous]

Ehh some of the language of the op makes me uncomfortable.
O is petite and cute
I is average.

O gets positive attention for being so small (what??!!)
I should feel LUCKY (??!! For not being small and getting non-stop compliments???)

There should not be any positive attention for being small. Like, period. You don’t make comments about it. Your DH doesn’t make comments about it. You correct anyone who tries to make comments about it. You are alienating one daughter, and really that’s only going to encourage O to restrict to STAY that size and get those comments. This is such such such an unhealthy thing for them both.

I do think I would benefit from therapy, but honestly maybe O too. And yourself. You really need to correct how you’re interacting with these girls, maybe you can still undo some of the damage.