Walk me through dealing with incredibly moody rude 11 year old

[Anonymous]

Having so many issues with my 11.5 year old. She’s newly menstruating and the moods are wild. That I can handle. I’m not sure how to deal with her frank rudeness. For example, her dad comes home, and says oh great, you’re doing your homework! She says obviously in the rudest voice you can imagine and refuses to respond further. She knocked me over in the kitchen the other day because she decided to take the most direct path through where I was standing and when I said whoa! She made the rudest face you can imagine and went “whoa!” In an imitating way, “what is your problem?”

I am dying to just severely punish her. She’s unbearable.

[Anonymous]

My kids are boys, and havent hit puberty yet, but also think its cool to act this way sometimes. When they act like little jerks, I tell them point blank that it is unacceptable to talk like that to people, esp their parents. They keep it up they start to lose privileges.

What does your daughter do when you tell her she is acting in an unacceptable manner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are boys, and havent hit puberty yet, but also think its cool to act this way sometimes. When they act like little jerks, I tell them point blank that it is unacceptable to talk like that to people, esp their parents. They keep it up they start to lose privileges.

What does your daughter do when you tell her she is acting in an unacceptable manner?

Escalates. Drama. Stamps, won’t leave the room, says she doesn’t care about the iPad etc.

[Anonymous]

If she doesnt care about the ipad, take it away. Or the tv, or computer, or a planned outing with friends, her allowance, whatever she is into. Nip it in the bud now or she will be walking all over you by the time she gets to high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she doesnt care about the ipad, take it away. Or the tv, or computer, or a planned outing with friends, her allowance, whatever she is into. Nip it in the bud now or she will be walking all over you by the time she gets to high school.

i love that people think punishment fixes mood swings. she needs to learn how to deal with it without being rude, for sure, but how are you helping her? you have to help her learn to deal w/ changing hormones etc. "YOU ARE MEAN NO IPAD FOR YOU" ignores how puberty changes kids.

[Anonymous]

OP stated that she could deal with the mood swings and wanted advice on the rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Someone once told me that when they are the least lovable is when they need the most love. I told myself this often when DD was that age. Tell her that you love her and it hurts your feelings when she treats you badly.

[Anonymous]

The Ask Lisa podcast discussed this recently. Basically, she said it was normal, but you need to address it..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Ask Lisa podcast discussed this recently. Basically, she said it was normal, but you need to address it..

Yes but how?! I’m a DP but very similar issues, though my 11 yo hasn’t started her period yet and I can’t imagine how much worse it will get when she does!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Ask Lisa podcast discussed this recently. Basically, she said it was normal, but you need to address it..

Yes but how?! I’m a DP but very similar issues, though my 11 yo hasn’t started her period yet and I can’t imagine how much worse it will get when she does!

I'm all about natural consequences. First, every single time, I'm like: you will not speak to me that way. And I won't have a conversation w/ them if they're rude until they can take a breath and apologize. I'm not going back adn forth with them, not threatening to take the ipad, just: I am not going to engage w/ you speaking to me like this.

Then when they're in a good mood is when you talk about strategies for them to not BE rude when they're upset.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Ask Lisa podcast discussed this recently. Basically, she said it was normal, but you need to address it..

Yes but how?! I’m a DP but very similar issues, though my 11 yo hasn’t started her period yet and I can’t imagine how much worse it will get when she does!

I'm all about natural consequences. First, every single time, I'm like: you will not speak to me that way. And I won't have a conversation w/ them if they're rude until they can take a breath and apologize. I'm not going back adn forth with them, not threatening to take the ipad, just: I am not going to engage w/ you speaking to me like this.

Then when they're in a good mood is when you talk about strategies for them to not BE rude when they're upset.

She’s not even upset. It’s just all day, any random time she feels like it. We all are walking on egg shells.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Ask Lisa podcast discussed this recently. Basically, she said it was normal, but you need to address it..

Yes but how?! I’m a DP but very similar issues, though my 11 yo hasn’t started her period yet and I can’t imagine how much worse it will get when she does!

Basically, you need to tell her she is being disrespectful. Tell her to take her bad attitude to her room. Does she need a ride anywhere or want friends to come over? Remind her it's hard for you to do nice things for her when she acts this way. Every kid has a currency, figure out what hers is and take it away when she gets mouthy.
.

[Anonymous]

Break it down.

“I understand you are a teenager and your body feels out of control and you need a space to figure that out. That is ok.”

“However, if you are rude I will not respond to you. If you need to vent that is fine but don’t expect me to engage with you when you are like that.”

“Separately let me make it clear what the minimum standards are. Physically pushing someone, throwing things, being cruel to others, etc will not be tolerated. In that case x will happen.”

X needs to be something important to her and you must follow through every single time.

I tell my kids all the time that I understand it is hard to be a teenager and I chalk a lot of stuff up to just hormones and teenage complexity. Not every hill is worth dying on but that is not free license to do whatever to whoever.

Slamming doors in anger= first time a warning then I take your door away. Problem behavior extinguish quickly at least for most neurotypical kids if you just respond calmly and make the lines of expectations bright, but you have to be consistent or you will make it worse.

[Anonymous]

My 11 year old is much worse. Told me recently she prays for my death! I tell her repeatedly this is not acceptable, take away screen time, etc. Sometimes she apologizes almost immediately and I think she means it. No advice here really, just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she doesnt care about the ipad, take it away. Or the tv, or computer, or a planned outing with friends, her allowance, whatever she is into. Nip it in the bud now or she will be walking all over you by the time she gets to high school.

i love that people think punishment fixes mood swings. she needs to learn how to deal with it without being rude, for sure, but how are you helping her? you have to help her learn to deal w/ changing hormones etc. "YOU ARE MEAN NO IPAD FOR YOU" ignores how puberty changes kids.

Puberty is just an excuse for acting crappy. We all went through puberty, but not every kids acts crappy because of it. She can't axr like this regardless.