49 and can’t live on own - need solutions

[Anonymous]

My sister, 49, is on the autism spectrum, although she has never been formally diagnosed because as an adult she refuses to get a diagnosis. She lives with my elderly parents because she cannot support herself. Her main challenge is socialization, and she has been let go of jobs because she doesn’t read social cues and can be difficult to be around. She did not graduate college, but she is smart (and she thinks she knows everything!)

Years ago, my parents housed her in her own place. She is a hoarder and essentially trashed that home. So she has lived with them for many years, her hoarding limited to her room. It is becoming unsustainable for them in their older years because she becoming more difficult to live with. What are possible solutions? We are really at a loss on how to proceed as a family.

[Anonymous]

OP, my heart goes out to you. We are dealing with a very similar situation with my BIL (technically he was recently diagnosed with ADHD but either it's very severe or there is more going on there). I don't know what the solution is, but all I know is it is very hard on all parties and I'll be following this thread to see if anyone has any great ideas.

Hugs to you though. This is so, so hard. No easy answers.

[Anonymous]

If you have money, there are homes/communities for people who can’t live alone. Sorry I don’t know their names, but there is a good one in Florida.

Perhaps a local Trusts and Estates lawyer would know of options (since old people with only one/a disabled child, also face this challenge.) Good luck to you all.

[Anonymous]

Would you be worried she would junk up an in-law suite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my heart goes out to you. We are dealing with a very similar situation with my BIL (technically he was recently diagnosed with ADHD but either it's very severe or there is more going on there). I don't know what the solution is, but all I know is it is very hard on all parties and I'll be following this thread to see if anyone has any great ideas.

Hugs to you though. This is so, so hard. No easy answers.

OP here, and thank you. It really is so hard, and I don’t know what we’ll do when my parents are gone. Glad that your BIL got a diagnosis. That is a good start! GL to you as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you be worried she would junk up an in-law suite?

Yes, absolutely.

The more I research in real time here, it is obvious that she has adaptive functioning behavioral issues. Group homes look like the best bet, but she doesn’t have a formal diagnosis. I don’t know how you would find one anyhow for high functioning adults. There seems to be a category of care that just isn’t there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have money, there are homes/communities for people who can’t live alone. Sorry I don’t know their names, but there is a good one in Florida.

Perhaps a local Trusts and Estates lawyer would know of options (since old people with only one/a disabled child, also face this challenge.) Good luck to you all.

Thank you. Unfortunately, we are limited to the DC area. My parents have asked various professionals (legal, clinical, etc) over the years, and everyone is stumped on a solution.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone broached this subject with her? How does she react?

[Anonymous]

Have you checked with governmental social services agencies such as Adult Protective Services?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you be worried she would junk up an in-law suite?

Yes, absolutely.

The more I research in real time here, it is obvious that she has adaptive functioning behavioral issues. Group homes look like the best bet, but she doesn’t have a formal diagnosis. I don’t know how you would find one anyhow for high functioning adults. There seems to be a category of care that just isn’t there.

Unfortunately that is common. My dad has severe mobility issues to the point he got pressure sores on his heels but he does not have dementia. There is no way to get a funded home health aid for a shower/podiatry care visit 3x a week. There is no care available for him short of full nursing home care, which he does not want

[Anonymous]

Have your parents established a special needs trust for sibling?

[Anonymous]

You can’t just put a functioning adult in a group home because they’re messy. You need to talk to her and find out what she wants. You’re really going about it all wrong and if I were her I’d never speak to you again. I’d start by hiring a housekeeper for your parents and have that person help your sister clean and organize her space. From there you might transition to an in law suite with the same housekeeper. If you’re concerned about what happens after they pass then build 2 in law suites. Keep the housekeeper on a regular basis. Establish a trust for the sister and use that money to pay for housekeeper. The 2nd apartment you can utilize to rent out and maybe do rent deduction if that person checks on your sister every day or 2. You need to think least restrictive means not most restrictive seeing a as she clearly has shown she can live alone. For right now see if you can talk her into doing a CNA course so she’s prepared to assist with parental care as parents age. She’s not useless and she’s not broken so stop viewing her that way and you’ll be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t just put a functioning adult in a group home because they’re messy. You need to talk to her and find out what she wants. You’re really going about it all wrong and if I were her I’d never speak to you again. I’d start by hiring a housekeeper for your parents and have that person help your sister clean and organize her space. From there you might transition to an in law suite with the same housekeeper. If you’re concerned about what happens after they pass then build 2 in law suites. Keep the housekeeper on a regular basis. Establish a trust for the sister and use that money to pay for housekeeper. The 2nd apartment you can utilize to rent out and maybe do rent deduction if that person checks on your sister every day or 2. You need to think least restrictive means not most restrictive seeing a as she clearly has shown she can live alone. For right now see if you can talk her into doing a CNA course so she’s prepared to assist with parental care as parents age. She’s not useless and she’s not broken so stop viewing her that way and you’ll be better off.

wtf is this? Build 2 in law suites? Establish a trust for her sister?

This is just nuts advice from an interloper who clearly doesn’t nor will ever have this kind of problem.

OP has never implied her last name is Rockefeller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t just put a functioning adult in a group home because they’re messy. You need to talk to her and find out what she wants. You’re really going about it all wrong and if I were her I’d never speak to you again. I’d start by hiring a housekeeper for your parents and have that person help your sister clean and organize her space. From there you might transition to an in law suite with the same housekeeper. If you’re concerned about what happens after they pass then build 2 in law suites. Keep the housekeeper on a regular basis. Establish a trust for the sister and use that money to pay for housekeeper. The 2nd apartment you can utilize to rent out and maybe do rent deduction if that person checks on your sister every day or 2. You need to think least restrictive means not most restrictive seeing a as she clearly has shown she can live alone. For right now see if you can talk her into doing a CNA course so she’s prepared to assist with parental care as parents age. She’s not useless and she’s not broken so stop viewing her that way and you’ll be better off.

Wow. The person obviously cannot make their own money or keep their own health and the amount of work you've listed is huge. Maybe reflect on this a bit. If this person never speaks to the OP again they will likely die or live out on the street.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP.

I have a friend with a sister like this. She lived on her own in an apartment. After she almost got evicted, my friend intervened and hired a cleaning company. They had a program that specialized in people like this. They cleaned the apartment up and also came back every two weeks. She paid her sister's rent on the condition her sister allow the cleaning people to come in.