49 and can’t live on own - need solutions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t just put a functioning adult in a group home because they’re messy. You need to talk to her and find out what she wants. You’re really going about it all wrong and if I were her I’d never speak to you again. I’d start by hiring a housekeeper for your parents and have that person help your sister clean and organize her space. From there you might transition to an in law suite with the same housekeeper. If you’re concerned about what happens after they pass then build 2 in law suites. Keep the housekeeper on a regular basis. Establish a trust for the sister and use that money to pay for housekeeper. The 2nd apartment you can utilize to rent out and maybe do rent deduction if that person checks on your sister every day or 2. You need to think least restrictive means not most restrictive seeing a as she clearly has shown she can live alone. For right now see if you can talk her into doing a CNA course so she’s prepared to assist with parental care as parents age. She’s not useless and she’s not broken so stop viewing her that way and you’ll be better off.

Op here. Unfortunately, she cannot live on her own. It’s not about being “messy” it’s a mental illness of hoarding. So much so that her previous house that was given to her by my parents had to be razed. The PP who said

[Anonymous]

^^ sorry, hit send too quickly. The PP who said that she’d be homeless if she decided never to speak to us again is absolutely right. She is not “useless” but she is “helpless” in a way. She cannot function to help herself with basic necessities of life. That is our problem. It’s not about just being neat and tidy at all. It’s a much larger issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t just put a functioning adult in a group home because they’re messy. You need to talk to her and find out what she wants. You’re really going about it all wrong and if I were her I’d never speak to you again. I’d start by hiring a housekeeper for your parents and have that person help your sister clean and organize her space. From there you might transition to an in law suite with the same housekeeper. If you’re concerned about what happens after they pass then build 2 in law suites. Keep the housekeeper on a regular basis. Establish a trust for the sister and use that money to pay for housekeeper. The 2nd apartment you can utilize to rent out and maybe do rent deduction if that person checks on your sister every day or 2. You need to think least restrictive means not most restrictive seeing a as she clearly has shown she can live alone. For right now see if you can talk her into doing a CNA course so she’s prepared to assist with parental care as parents age. She’s not useless and she’s not broken so stop viewing her that way and you’ll be better off.

That’s….not how any of the works, pp.
At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ sorry, hit send too quickly. The PP who said that she’d be homeless if she decided never to speak to us again is absolutely right. She is not “useless” but she is “helpless” in a way. She cannot function to help herself with basic necessities of life. That is our problem. It’s not about just being neat and tidy at all. It’s a much larger issue.

Are there adequate resources to provide for both her and your parents?

I think the situation you’re facing in terms of your sister’s capabilities is more clear now, but information about $ resources and maybe some more specific information about what you want/need to achieve would be helpful. Are you hoping to have her in a separate living situation from your parents? It sounds like she was able to respond to some limited modification of her illness- keep the hoarding in her bedroom. Do you think she can handle allowing a helper/housekeeper to keep the hoard from becoming hazardous? Papers, collections, etc are awful to deal with but it’s the food/bugs/trash that really makes things dangerous and damaging.

[Anonymous]

If she is mentally competent, you need to include her in the conversation. Ask her what her plan would be if your parents need to go to a nursing home. Force her to think through the steps all together. If need be, ask your parents to initiate the conversation with you all together as part of their steps to make their aging plans. That way your sister doesn’t see it as plans about her, but rather her having to plan around their actions. Helping her see that she will need a home and resources will make her more amenable to the changes that would be needed.

[Anonymous]

I would work get her evaluated through social security to try and get disability checks for mental health issues. Work with an attorney potentially. Usually people are denied several times before winning and you have to be persistent. Is she entitled to Medicaid? Would that pay for anything? Maybe try searching on reddit or Facebook groups for others in this predicament and what they recommend. It sounds like living with you is not an option when your parents pass. She does sound like a good candidate for a group living situation since she is high functioning in some respects compare to other disabled people

[Anonymous]

Maybe a college student could move in with her to clean and keep an eye on her? They could get free rent, food, and a stipend. The fact that she doesn't require help with life skills and hygiene actually opens up possibilities for you, since you aren't limited to only being able to hire nursing or medical staff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a college student could move in with her to clean and keep an eye on her? They could get free rent, food, and a stipend. The fact that she doesn't require help with life skills and hygiene actually opens up possibilities for you, since you aren't limited to only being able to hire nursing or medical staff.

By life skills I mean knowing how to prepare a simple meal, turn off a stove, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP I was the one to post first to say we are going through something similar with my BIL.

One factor I think it would be helpful for people to know (as it is significant with my BIL's situation) is what is her demeanor/behavior when these issues are discussed. Like how did she behave when she had to be moved from her prior home and into your parents' house? Did she calmly accept it when told her previous home was no longer livable due to the hoarding?

Also, what is the dynamic like between her and your parents -- do they get along, is it a reasonably healthy dynamic or are there issues?

In my BILs case, a major obstacle is that it is very hard to have conversations with him about any of this. He rages at people and can be scary. It's especially hard on my MIL who is getting older and he takes advantage of her age to bully her. He also will not listen to my DH. He has an aunt he sometimes listens to but she, for reasons we all understand, prefers not to get involved.

I see people suggesting that you ask your sister what she wants or chiding you for not involving her enough in these decisions, but IME you don't get to this point if the person is capable of having those conversations.

[Anonymous]

Being a caregiver for your parents is a possibility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a caregiver for your parents is a possibility

How is she supposed to care for two elderly people when she can’t take care of herself? Use your brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being a caregiver for your parents is a possibility

OP stated she can’t prepare a simple meal or turn off the stove!

[Anonymous]

Is she obedient but bad at following through, or is she defiant about doing unhealthy and dangerous things?

The former can be handled expensively in a group home with professional assistance. The latter may lead to institutionalization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being a caregiver for your parents is a possibility

OP stated she can’t prepare a simple meal or turn off the stove!

OP did NOT say that. She said sis is a hoarder and no one cleans up after at all.

[Anonymous]

You are going to have to decide if you are willing for her to become homeless. If you are, you can make ultimatums that you won't be able to keep otherwise.