Very down today about treatment by adult stepchildren

[Anonymous]

They lived with us since elementary and middle school and through much of their 20s. Their mom abandoned them and had mental health issues. I sacrificed a lot for them. They pretty much are extremely self-centered and sometimes really mean. Very much takers, it’s really sad.

[Anonymous]

They’re millennials, what do you expect?

[Anonymous]

Did you do anything to help their mom or support them having some kind of safe relationship with her? What are some examples of them being self centered and mean? Do you also have biological children?

It’s definitely painful to love sacrificially and feel like you get kicked in the teeth for it. A lot of young adults act this way but grow out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you do anything to help their mom or support them having some kind of safe relationship with her? What are some examples of them being self centered and mean? Do you also have biological children?

It’s definitely painful to love sacrificially and feel like you get kicked in the teeth for it. A lot of young adults act this way but grow out of it.

It was not her responsibility to "do something" to help her husband's mentally ill ex. That was not her place.

[Anonymous]

Any chance they too suffer from mental health challenges?

Adjust your expectations and give less.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. I think in 99% of cases, being a stepparent is a thankless task. I have an adult stepdaughter now who was 14 when we started dating (2 years after her mother sought the divorce), 18 when we married, and 30 now. I think I would have spontaneously combusted from resentment and frustration had I not had my own child a year after marriage. I could have poured an endless amount of love into a very needy stepchild with basically zero return. Having my cop filled by my own child allows me to depersonalize so much of her rejection and vacillating affections over the years. I have so much more empathy for her now. (I had a lot of empathy for her then but I feel like it's nearly infinite now.)

Divorce just SUCKS for kids and parents dating and remarrying is just awful most of the time. I thought I was so intentional and respectful and responsive to her needs but really, parents just need to focus on parenting while their kids are kids. And they REALLY need good therapy to maintain healthy boundaries and not ruin their kids through giving them too much power and allowing guilt to dissolve appropriate boundaries. It's HARD especially when the divorce was only sought by one party. So much pain all around. She was a difficult person to be around for many years, but she didn't ask for ANY of it and I am just glad we are okay now. We bod over how much our kids love each other.

[Anonymous]

What you invested in then was an investment into your marriage and into being a. Decent human. You've already gotten returns from it. I'm sorry that they suck...it's not fair to you and I know it's painful. I just think you're setting yourself up for endless pain by expecting anything of them. Maybe one day one of the will gain wisdom and maturity. Until then, I recommend finding new hobbies or sources of joy. Be polite but distant. Take good care of yourself. Pour into yourself all the love and generosity you used to channel their way. You deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Did you help break up the marriage?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. Even my own kids are self centered. The came back with their other halves, ate my cooking for 2 weeks. When we went out to eat, they still expected me to pick up the check. I only paid for my own just to be petty lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shut up, step monster.

Somebody is triggered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you help break up the marriage?

It is always somebody else's fault. So typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They lived with us since elementary and middle school and through much of their 20s. Their mom abandoned them and had mental health issues. I sacrificed a lot for them. They pretty much are extremely self-centered and sometimes really mean. Very much takers, it’s really sad.

Just ignore them, and live a good life. I don't call my own kids unless they call me. I've done enough for them.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you do anything to help their mom or support them having some kind of safe relationship with her? What are some examples of them being self centered and mean? Do you also have biological children?

It’s definitely painful to love sacrificially and feel like you get kicked in the teeth for it. A lot of young adults act this way but grow out of it.

True. I was really spoiled growing up, did not have to lift a finger in the house. My mother did everything for me. After I have my own children, I became a lot closer to my parents. Now they are old, I don't mind taking care of them, including banking, cooking, cleaning... for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you do anything to help their mom or support them having some kind of safe relationship with her? What are some examples of them being self centered and mean? Do you also have biological children?

It’s definitely painful to love sacrificially and feel like you get kicked in the teeth for it. A lot of young adults act this way but grow out of it.

Yes, I know I did. Even biological young adults are extremely self-centered. It's fine - I see glimmers of helpfulness and thinking about us from our oldest son, and he's getting progressively better with age. The younger kids will follow. It just takes time.