Mom is helpless - real or fake?

[Anonymous]

Mom has dementia and cannot do anything by herself when she’s with me. Can’t even put a slice of cheese in her bread or make tea by herself. When she’s alone or with my sister she does these things independently. Is she faking it so that I serve her? I know she will need 24 hr care, but not yet?

[Anonymous]

None of us can know why your mom's abilities are, but I think we're getting a sense of your lack of empathy.

[Anonymous]

Dementia is (of course) real, and it can become devastating.

You'd also be surprised how many people in rehab facilities / skilled nursing units can suddenly do things they previously could not, once they learn that demonstrating these skills is the only way they get to go back home. It's bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know why your mom's abilities are, but I think we're getting a sense of your lack of empathy.

It's "yes" for her sister, but "absolutely unable" when it's her. You think it's inappropriate for her to ask questions, and you think this is a fine reason to insult her? Okay.

[Anonymous]

Can you and sister visit together? Might shed some light on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know why your mom's abilities are, but I think we're getting a sense of your lack of empathy.

Completely disagree. OP’s desire to not be taken advantage of doesn’t equate to a lack of empathy.

I get it, op. When my brother visits my mom she makes he a wonderful meal while he relaxes on the leather recliner. When I visit I either get ‘what’s for lunch’ or ‘did you make reservations?’

I don’t enable, but happily support. And if it’s ridiculous, I call it out.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it one day and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

You're probably doing something wrong on her end. Like, you are probably losing patience and doing it for her without giving her enough time to do it for herself. Or you are probably fixing her meals when she is not hungry yet.

My mom had dementia and some of her caregivers are better than others wrt how they interact with her and get her to do things for herself. Like they will be sitting at the table with her and will offer her bites of food and put the food in her mouth rather than just sitting there and letting her eat by herself super slowly.

But no, I dont think she is "faking" it because she is lazy. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

The day will come when she won't be able to help herself at any time. Obviously right now she's taking advantage of you, but... how will she react if you don't do this for her? Tantrum? Not eat? Would you be fine with her not eating or flying into a rage or crying because she's in shock you're not her maid? You can experiment and see what you're comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know why your mom's abilities are, but I think we're getting a sense of your lack of empathy.

Completely disagree. OP’s desire to not be taken advantage of doesn’t equate to a lack of empathy.

I get it, op. When my brother visits my mom she makes he a wonderful meal while he relaxes on the leather recliner. When I visit I either get ‘what’s for lunch’ or ‘did you make reservations?’

I don’t enable, but happily support. And if it’s ridiculous, I call it out.

WTF, does your mother have dementia???? OP's situation sounds completely different.

[Anonymous]

yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know why your mom's abilities are, but I think we're getting a sense of your lack of empathy.

Completely disagree. OP’s desire to not be taken advantage of doesn’t equate to a lack of empathy.

I get it, op. When my brother visits my mom she makes he a wonderful meal while he relaxes on the leather recliner. When I visit I either get ‘what’s for lunch’ or ‘did you make reservations?’

I don’t enable, but happily support. And if it’s ridiculous, I call it out.

WTF, does your mother have dementia???? OP's situation sounds completely different.

She does and it sounds like she’s at a similar level as op’s. And so does my father who is much more progressed.

My mother’s level of independence shifts depending on who the caretaker is. I’m the primary one and I think that impacts what she’s capable/willing to do. When others visit they are visitors. When I’m there I’m the caretaker

(“Wtf” - is that really necessary?)

[Anonymous]

Ask her care team. Also, consider this. Your mom has dementia, you will be losing her through the long goodbye. Make the most of now.

[Anonymous]

Op, at the early (undiagnosed, made sense later) stages my mom
Had a caregiver because she had a fall. She visited me and basically was expecting me to bring her a bowl of cereal even though she was capable of it . She had been accustomed to it and it no longer occurred to her in certain situations that she could do it herself. Yet even though my brother was also staying with me at that time she never expected or waited for him to do anything. If you have been doing things for her maybe that’s it? Even at an unconscious level my mom assumed (rightly as it turned out) that I would be taking responsibility for her.

I’m not sure it’s “faking it” in the way a cognitively sound person would but it could be an unconscious reliance in you to take care of her.

[Anonymous]

My mom’s symptoms (both dementia and severe RA) wax and wane. I don’t think she is faking it if she can’t do something temporarily. Sometimes it has to do with the time of day that I arrive.