Mom is helpless - real or fake?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know why your mom's abilities are, but I think we're getting a sense of your lack of empathy.

Completely disagree. OP’s desire to not be taken advantage of doesn’t equate to a lack of empathy.

I get it, op. When my brother visits my mom she makes he a wonderful meal while he relaxes on the leather recliner. When I visit I either get ‘what’s for lunch’ or ‘did you make reservations?’

I don’t enable, but happily support. And if it’s ridiculous, I call it out.

I’m not a fan of PP insulting OP. But you are just as bad insulting OP’s mom by accusing her, someone with a terrifying and terrible illness, of potentially taking advantage of OP by demonstrating what could be signs of her illness.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the why is important. It makes for an interesting post, but going forward with decisions, don't get stalled looking for the why. What she needs is what she needs.

[Anonymous]

OP. It a really awful to accuse me of being careless and doing stuff wrong, or being impatient. The opposite is true. I am her caregiver 9 mi this per year as she refuses outside help. If anything, I do too much for her. My sister does nothing and that’s ok - it’s her decision. I don’t want to be taken advantage of - I have more than enough on my plate with full time work, a chronic health condition, and absentee husband with no income and kids of my own. For my mom to expect me to be her servant - that’s just a bit much.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, my grandmother expected my mom to be her servant OP. You just don't have the ability to do that, and it's time she goes to full time nursing care if she really can't help herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know why your mom's abilities are, but I think we're getting a sense of your lack of empathy.

Pot meet kettle. OP excuse the previous rude response. That said, I would ask the experts on dementia. My mom who just age related cognitive decline, but also mental health issues, absolutely does this sort of thing for attention. With dementia though, they have lucid moments, no idea if that relates to abilities too. It is suspicious that she only acts helpless with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know why your mom's abilities are, but I think we're getting a sense of your lack of empathy.

Pot meet kettle. OP excuse the previous rude response. That said, I would ask the experts on dementia. My mom who just age related cognitive decline, but also mental health issues, absolutely does this sort of thing for attention. With dementia though, they have lucid moments, no idea if that relates to abilities too. It is suspicious that she only acts helpless with you.

When they are lucid, they regain some skills that are suppressed or scrambled while dementing.

If I arrive early in the AM, my mom will take out the wrong clothing for the weather or be totally confused about how to put items on. After I leave in the early afternoon, she’s more settled and can dress herself.

If I arrive in the late afternoon, she’s sundowning and can’t remember that bread goes in the toaster and not the microwave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It a really awful to accuse me of being careless and doing stuff wrong, or being impatient. The opposite is true. I am her caregiver 9 mi this per year as she refuses outside help. If anything, I do too much for her. My sister does nothing and that’s ok - it’s her decision. I don’t want to be taken advantage of - I have more than enough on my plate with full time work, a chronic health condition, and absentee husband with no income and kids of my own. For my mom to expect me to be her servant - that’s just a bit much.

You definitely have to much on your plate. What resources are available for your mom’s care?

While I sympathize with your feelings, I think you are being unrealistic in assigning blame to your mom. She has dementia. Get advice from her doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. It a really awful to accuse me of being careless and doing stuff wrong, or being impatient. The opposite is true. I am her caregiver 9 mi this per year as she refuses outside help. If anything, I do too much for her. My sister does nothing and that’s ok - it’s her decision. I don’t want to be taken advantage of - I have more than enough on my plate with full time work, a chronic health condition, and absentee husband with no income and kids of my own. For my mom to expect me to be her servant - that’s just a bit much.

Tell your mom that given her level of need you must now insist on outside care. You are concerned because if something were to happen to you it's clear that she couldn't care for herself, and it's important that you have that care worked out so someone could step up in an emergency. Or, just that you need it now because your own health is suffering.

I mean, it doesn't matter if she's faking or not. She is requiring too much of you. Cut back your time with her and offer to have outside help come in your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom has dementia and cannot do anything by herself when she’s with me. Can’t even put a slice of cheese in her bread or make tea by herself. When she’s alone or with my sister she does these things independently. Is she faking it so that I serve her? I know she will need 24 hr care, but not yet?

Does it break your back to do things for her? Are you there every day. If not, who cares. Just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're probably doing something wrong on her end. Like, you are probably losing patience and doing it for her without giving her enough time to do it for herself. Or you are probably fixing her meals when she is not hungry yet.

My mom had dementia and some of her caregivers are better than others wrt how they interact with her and get her to do things for herself. Like they will be sitting at the table with her and will offer her bites of food and put the food in her mouth rather than just sitting there and letting her eat by herself super slowly.

But no, I dont think she is "faking" it because she is lazy. Good lord.

Why would it matter? She is not a child and she won’t develop independence if she does things herself “super slowly”. Why not feed her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to scale back the care you provide. When you visit, do the things you consider needed to be done and leave. Don’t fix her tea, say you are busy doing X or Y.
I have a neighbor who is a caregiver and she says old people can absolutely become spoiled with care, so it’s best to set firm boundaries right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of us can know why your mom's abilities are, but I think we're getting a sense of your lack of empathy.

How would you know about OP's empathy levels? Speaking of "none of us can know"...

[Anonymous]

When she is with you is she at her home or your home? With your sister? Is it possible she is at her home and so knows where everything is when she is with your sister (or at your sister's house and is more familiar with it)? But, with you she is somewhere she doesn't know as well?

We had a neighbor who we did not know was on the decline. Basically, as soon as she moved to assisted living with her spouse, she tanked. The only reason she appeared to be doing ok was that she had been in the same house for something like 40+ years and as soon as she was somewhere unfamiliar she was no longer able to manage at all.

[Anonymous]

How can an internet message board help you, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom has dementia and cannot do anything by herself when she’s with me. Can’t even put a slice of cheese in her bread or make tea by herself. When she’s alone or with my sister she does these things independently. Is she faking it so that I serve her? I know she will need 24 hr care, but not yet?

Does it break your back to do things for her? Are you there every day. If not, who cares. Just do it.

Yes you rude person, I am there every day for 8-9 months per year.