If you are anxious and insecure in your relationship

[Anonymous]

What helped?

I know therapy obviously. But the years I spent doing it didn't really work.

[Anonymous]

Disconnecting and mostly falling out of love, now I don’t care. They betrayed me and I wouldn’t care if they left, live or die.

Probably not what you wanna hear but that’s my story.

[Anonymous]

If they deserve the distrust, you leave. If not, then break up and go sort yourself out. Either way, you should not be in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disconnecting and mostly falling out of love, now I don’t care. They betrayed me and I wouldn’t care if they left, live or die.

Probably not what you wanna hear but that’s my story.

DP I feel like I lived through the betrayal so I know I would make it no matter what. Nothing to lose—out if it ever happened again. The worst has already happened in the relationship- no fks to give anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disconnecting and mostly falling out of love, now I don’t care. They betrayed me and I wouldn’t care if they left, live or die.

Probably not what you wanna hear but that’s my story.

DP I feel like I lived through the betrayal so I know I would make it no matter what. Nothing to lose—out if it ever happened again. The worst has already happened in the relationship- no fks to give anymore.

+1 in a weird way it’s freeing. Not walking on eggshells or trying to please and be perfect endlessly. Basically was- and the worst still happened. So now—fk it. I’m going to call you on your sh@t immediately. I am going to put up with much less—and they know it.

[Anonymous]

Exercising? That's what my husband does. He's older than me and feels insecure about our relationship. He pays attention to his fitness.

[Anonymous]

Find a partner who doesn’t make you feel anxious. Don’t own the people’s issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a partner who doesn’t make you feel anxious. Don’t own the people’s issues.

Anxiety and insecurity are her / his own issues. He / she shouldn't be putting them on the other spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a partner who doesn’t make you feel anxious. Don’t own the people’s issues.

Anxiety and insecurity are her / his own issues. He / she shouldn't be putting them on the other spouse.

I’m not putting in on the spouse. I’m asking how to cope.

[Anonymous]

This is hard - for me the answer was to do everything I could to make my life rich and fulfilling outside of the relationship. Ultimately, you need to be able to accept that you can't control or ever know with total certainty what someone else is feeling about you, or whether your relationship will last forever. The more you do to build up other parts of your life, the less terrifying that information will be. It's counterintuitive, but you need to loosen your grip on it - one way to do this without panicking that you will grow apart is to put some regular dates/opportunities for connection in place so you know they are there, then you need to accept that you've done what you can and the rest is out of your control.

[Anonymous]

Just make sure it is actually a you problem, not a they problem.

And then … just let go of the outcome. We literally have no idea what tomorrow brings. It’s oddly freeing once you accept that.

And if you can’t do it by yourself, then there’s no shame in speaking to a counselor who can give you the tools to redirect thoughts into more productive directions. A CBT trained therapist could be very helpful over 5-6 sessions.

[Anonymous]

Self care and working on my attachment style with therapy, journaling and self-education

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What helped?

I know therapy obviously. But the years I spent doing it didn't really work.

If you spent years doing therapy and you are still anxious and insecure in your relationship then it's time to leave the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I accepted that I’d always be insecure and anxious, and I would just have to find a partner who was okay with it and would work with me.

Most people aren’t okay with it, which was fine. But H was, and when I’m feeling insecure or anxious, we talk about it and he’s reassuring and supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is hard - for me the answer was to do everything I could to make my life rich and fulfilling outside of the relationship. Ultimately, you need to be able to accept that you can't control or ever know with total certainty what someone else is feeling about you, or whether your relationship will last forever. The more you do to build up other parts of your life, the less terrifying that information will be. It's counterintuitive, but you need to loosen your grip on it - one way to do this without panicking that you will grow apart is to put some regular dates/opportunities for connection in place so you know they are there, then you need to accept that you've done what you can and the rest is out of your control.

Well said