Why do people toy with others?

[Anonymous]

Were they cats in a past life? What is the joy in playing headgames with someone, leading them on, pretending to be a friend to their face and then making jokes at their expense behind their back?

I didn't understand this when it was a middle school rite of passage, and I definitely don't understand it now. Maybe it's the integrity, maybe it's the autism... in any case, I'd love to hear from some of you Machiavellian manipulators as to what pleasure you derive from this little pastime.

I know there are loads of you on this site, so let's hear it!

[Anonymous]

OP I don't know the answer but just want to express solidarity. I never get this in adults.

[Anonymous]

I don't think they realize this about themselves, OP. They think well enough of you to befriend you, and then perhaps they some remarks escape them when referring to you when you're not there.

I have a very generous, kind-hearted, friend. Sometimes she has a few choice words when she talks about her other friends. She judges certain things about them. I'm sure she judges certain things about me, that she's shared with others. But every time any of us are in trouble, she's there for us: she cares for children of friends who have to go to hospital, she visits me when I'm sick and sends gifts of stuff she knows I like. I drove her to her chemo appointments. Actions matter more than words.

Autism makes it really hard to finely judge in these situations, OP, I know that. It's hard to distinguish gentle ribbing from a mean joke. It's difficult to weigh how to talk about people when they're not there. I think the bottom line is whether they're here for you when you need their help, and whether you're there for them when they need your help.

[Anonymous]

Totally normal practice in the workplace, and more exclusive to female-dominated fields (nursing, administrative, etc.). Granted, men do it too, but usually it's in the form of putting other men down to make themselves look better to women ("dirty macking").

Remove women from the environment and men just rib each other face-to-face. None of this feigning friendship, then talking s*** behind the person's back the second they step out, only to run damage control if the other person finds out, make up, and play pretend friends again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think they realize this about themselves, OP. They think well enough of you to befriend you, and then perhaps they some remarks escape them when referring to you when you're not there.

I have a very generous, kind-hearted, friend. Sometimes she has a few choice words when she talks about her other friends. She judges certain things about them. I'm sure she judges certain things about me, that she's shared with others. But every time any of us are in trouble, she's there for us: she cares for children of friends who have to go to hospital, she visits me when I'm sick and sends gifts of stuff she knows I like. I drove her to her chemo appointments. Actions matter more than words.

Autism makes it really hard to finely judge in these situations, OP, I know that. It's hard to distinguish gentle ribbing from a mean joke. It's difficult to weigh how to talk about people when they're not there. I think the bottom line is whether they're here for you when you need their help, and whether you're there for them when they need your help.

Sounds like "splitting" due to a personality disorder

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were they cats in a past life? What is the joy in playing headgames with someone, leading them on, pretending to be a friend to their face and then making jokes at their expense behind their back?

I didn't understand this when it was a middle school rite of passage, and I definitely don't understand it now. Maybe it's the integrity, maybe it's the autism... in any case, I'd love to hear from some of you Machiavellian manipulators as to what pleasure you derive from this little pastime.

I know there are loads of you on this site, so let's hear it!

I would just move on with your life, seriously. You can't make sense of them. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think they realize this about themselves, OP. They think well enough of you to befriend you, and then perhaps they some remarks escape them when referring to you when you're not there.

I have a very generous, kind-hearted, friend. Sometimes she has a few choice words when she talks about her other friends. She judges certain things about them. I'm sure she judges certain things about me, that she's shared with others. But every time any of us are in trouble, she's there for us: she cares for children of friends who have to go to hospital, she visits me when I'm sick and sends gifts of stuff she knows I like. I drove her to her chemo appointments. Actions matter more than words.

Autism makes it really hard to finely judge in these situations, OP, I know that. It's hard to distinguish gentle ribbing from a mean joke. It's difficult to weigh how to talk about people when they're not there. I think the bottom line is whether they're here for you when you need their help, and whether you're there for them when they need your help.

It's really not, though. Jokes are funny. "Gentle ribbing" should make the person you're "ribbing" feel happy and laugh. A lot of people say mean-spirited bs and call it "ribbing" or "a joke" when they get called out for hurting others, rather than acknowledging that their "humor" really isn't funny at all, it's just thinly-veiled nastiness, their own insecurities, bullying, etc.

As for what to say about people behind their backs: nice things or nothing. It's not difficult at all, if you're not habituated to gossip and trashtalking. If I really need counsel for how to deal with someone's problematic behavior, I have a therapist and a priest. Some people also have parents. But taking your personal problems to your social circle isn't problem-solving, it's problem-starting.

[Anonymous]

What does "toy with" mean? Examples?

[Anonymous]

None of these people do it to everyone, or at least not to the same extent. It's always part of an "in group/out group" thing.

If you feel you are consistently targeted by people like this, then they are consistently identifying something about you. You can accept it, ignore it, leave when it happens, or try to develop in a way that makes you less of a target -- but you can't change them, and getting your feelings knotted up in the situation just makes it worse.

I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that what you have control over is you. You can accept and deal, leave, or change. Talking about how mean it is at places like here may make you feel briefly better, but it changes nothing. Sad but true.

Mean people exist.

[Anonymous]

Some people are aggressive and others are passive aggressive. I think it's just aggression in different forms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of these people do it to everyone, or at least not to the same extent. It's always part of an "in group/out group" thing.

If you feel you are consistently targeted by people like this, then they are consistently identifying something about you. You can accept it, ignore it, leave when it happens, or try to develop in a way that makes you less of a target -- but you can't change them, and getting your feelings knotted up in the situation just makes it worse.

I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying that what you have control over is you. You can accept and deal, leave, or change. Talking about how mean it is at places like here may make you feel briefly better, but it changes nothing. Sad but true.

Mean people exist.

I prefer playing stupid and ignoring it while gathering enough information to utterly unravel them at a later date.

[Anonymous]

I agree with these posts. Toying with someone as an adult for sure is a sign of insecurity or a mental disorder. People that do this to you are insecure in themselves or may even secretly desire to be with you or like you and know they cannot. Either way best to simply avoid them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with these posts. Toying with someone as an adult for sure is a sign of insecurity or a mental disorder. People that do this to you are insecure in themselves or may even secretly desire to be with you or like you and know they cannot. Either way best to simply avoid them.

+1. Often there is another motivation for the behavior. It doesn’t matter though - it’s them, not you. You don’t want to waste your time with someone who can’t express their feelings in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

I mean heck, have you read what people write here? A majority of DCUM are either awful people giving awful advice, or they're making stuff up to entertain themselves.

I used to think it was just the anonymity of the board, but Nextdoor has actual names and neighborhoods attached to accounts and people are almost as bad there.

[Anonymous]

So... they're just awful people? What do they gain, though? People do things for a reason. Doesn't mean it's a good reason, but...

What is the motivation for this behavior? Power? Sadistic desire to hurt people just because they can? Boredom? I just don't get it.