Switch flipped how to fix it?

[Anonymous]

DH And I have had our ups and downs in the past 15 years and marriage. Overall we figure it out But there have been some ongoing issues that we have been on able to resolve.

Specifically, He becomes very defense if about certain topics (money, his parents and a few others). We are talking something as simple as a question like, are we planning to visit your parents over the holidays can cause an issue. When these topics get brought up he either explodes verbally or completely shuts down. He is unable to see his behavior around these topics and even trying to discuss it is triggering for him. So little progress has been made and I just know certain topics are not ones that we can discuss as adults.

Well he blew up over one of these conversations over Christmas and it is like a switch flipped in me and now I feel completely indifference towards him. I'm not even mad or sad or hurt like usual, I just literally feel nothing.

Is there any way to come back from this feeling or is this a sign its over?

[Anonymous]

Tell him that a switch has flipped, just as you expressed it to us, and that you’re worried about what it means for your relationship. Maybe if he understands the consequences, he’ll be motivated to improve things.

Indifference is not a good thing, but it’s likely self-protective. Plus we all have our limits. Are you wiling to leave the marriage? Only you can answer if it’s over.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Your indifference is a protective mechanism as poster upthread pointed out. It means your brain has recognized that he is a rigid and unreliable partner, and you are disconnecting. It’s a bad sign and needs to be addressed in counseling. I would be blunt with him and let him know that it’s counseling or discussing a separation. I couldn’t deal with a partner who completely shuts down over topics that need to be discussed jointly. That’s not a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever done counseling?

You are fed up. It seems like as women we take and take and take SO much garbage behavior from men until one day a switch flips and we can’t go back. I’m at this place too. Do something about it before it gets worse.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s acceptance and it’s why marriages end after this many years pretty often. You’ve just given up this point. He is not going to make progress on this issue and you don’t respect or tolerate it, but you accept you’ve done what you can and you’re done with it. And possibly him. I think people battle and try, invest all their emotions, and then one day you realize it’s pretty much just run its course. If you were just dating you would have broken up long ago. But here’s the key: if you have kids, you usually keep trying, and I personally think you should if possible.
So yes, let him know how you feel.
That you no longer think he’s capable of growth, it’s a stuck issue, and a massive turn off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever done counseling?

You are fed up. It seems like as women we take and take and take SO much garbage behavior from men until one day a switch flips and we can’t go back. I’m at this place too. Do something about it before it gets worse.

+1 Happened to me, too. Counseling helped get us back on the right path but it only works if both parties are committed to it. If not, well, continue individual counseling to help you manage/clear your emotions and develop a plan forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH And I have had our ups and downs in the past 15 years and marriage. Overall we figure it out But there have been some ongoing issues that we have been on able to resolve.

Specifically, He becomes very defense if about certain topics (money, his parents and a few others). We are talking something as simple as a question like, are we planning to visit your parents over the holidays can cause an issue. When these topics get brought up he either explodes verbally or completely shuts down. He is unable to see his behavior around these topics and even trying to discuss it is triggering for him. So little progress has been made and I just know certain topics are not ones that we can discuss as adults.

Well he blew up over one of these conversations over Christmas and it is like a switch flipped in me and now I feel completely indifference towards him. I'm not even mad or sad or hurt like usual, I just literally feel nothing.

Is there any way to come back from this feeling or is this a sign its over?

You say you feel nothing. I suspect you feel contempt towards him, which is not the same as anger/malice. I don't know about you but I have realized that once my ex and I started feeling contempt towards each other, it was all over. It just took far too long to realize it.

[Anonymous]

You’re falling (fallen?) out of love with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your indifference is a protective mechanism as poster upthread pointed out. It means your brain has recognized that he is a rigid and unreliable partner, and you are disconnecting. It’s a bad sign and needs to be addressed in counseling. I would be blunt with him and let him know that it’s counseling or discussing a separation. I couldn’t deal with a partner who completely shuts down over topics that need to be discussed jointly. That’s not a marriage.

Neither is being forced to discuss things you don't want. OP is a bully.

[Anonymous]

So if a DH never wants to discuss finances or vising relatives, the OP should just never talk about those things?
Have no clue about savings or finances and never visit family?
WTF?

[Anonymous]

switch flipped for a different reason and that was it for me. No way to come back from that feeling.

You need to go to individual therapy. You will never change your DH, but you can change your communication style, your response to him and what you decide to continue or stop doing jointly with him. In individual therapy, after you have explored your own feelings, behaviors, needs and boundaries, then you can discuss whether marital therapy would be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him that a switch has flipped, just as you expressed it to us, and that you’re worried about what it means for your relationship. Maybe if he understands the consequences, he’ll be motivated to improve things.

When the switch is flipped, there's nothing he can do. She will be indifferent to any improvements he makes.

[Anonymous]

Your brain cannot bear anymore of his emotional disregulation and believe it or not it has traumatized you. The pain and turmoil your husband has brought you has developed an emotional callous that is protecting you.
The place of love, connection and safety that your husband once occupied is now ruled bye brain chemistry that has been altered to detect and protect against his next unpredictable outburst

Short answer, you have fallen out of love.

With major sweeping change on his part it can come back in a little bit here and there but it’s never going to be the same, maybe you can get to a point you can live with each other but the magic is probably gone for good.

Sorry, been through it and it’s awful.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a switch flip with my roommate recently. We planned a Thanksgiving takeout, and she couldn't be bothered to wake up on time. Then, she showered for an hour while we were were sitting there waiting for her. It was apart of a serious of annoyances that just changed the way I look at her. I either have to fix it, which I am trying to do using empathy and time, or move out.

Also, my XH convinced me to overlook the flipped switch. I had to want to. I actively gave him another chance. And, he had to fake support for a while. That was a bad idea.