Switch flipped how to fix it?

[Anonymous]

Trying right now to focus on the good/ things I like but for every 1 of those there are like 3 things that are just a tipping point for me now.
This may be the point of no return. Not sure therapy will help with this.

[Anonymous]

Therapy, individually and together. You need to have a space in which you can discuss things that is safe and calm.

My husband and I have a "caring spoon" (it's a beautiful, painted spatula that someone gave us once that I can't see using for food so that's what we use, but it could be anything). When one of us has something to say to the other person that we think they may react negatively to, we hand them the caring spoon first.

My husband grew up with verbally abusive parents. His mom has always picked on him for everything, mostly things he didn't actually do (this was her response to being abused by her husband). For example, they were visiting once and he came home from work. It has been a long day and he sighed when I gave him a hug after he walked in the door, sort of a letting it all out kind of sigh, just relaxing into my hug and putting his day behind him. Any normal human could see he was spent. His mom starts going off on him in front of everyone for being a drama queen who can't handle a real job and why is he such a negative Nelly and no one wants to be around him, etc. It was unhinged.

As a result of being constantly attacked growing up, he doesn't handle perceived criticism well. So if I have something to discuss with him - a recent example is how he is in charge of the trash and I don't like how he lets the kitchen trash can get so full that I either have to push thing down to fit new stuff in or things fall into the recycling bin behind when the drawer is closed - I can sit him down and give him the caring spoon first. Then I can tell him what is bothering me and he can hear it without reacting defensively. Now he takes the trash out much more frequently and it's not an issue. (I am aware that I am also able to take the trash out, but some things like childcare and pet care, we do 50/50, and others like laundry and trash, we each own almost 100%, so I wasn't willing to take over more of the trash duty since that's his task and he's perfectly capable of doing it well).

Anyway, I'm sure people will hate my example but we have a great marriage in which we are both happy (that's fine if our marriage wouldn't work for you). My husband is one of those unicorns who makes great money (as do I), is super involved in our kids' lives, and does his fair share of everything. But he's not perfect, and he doesn't do well when he thinks he's being criticized. Most people probably don't but for some it's harder than others. So we created a way for us to be able to talk about things that have the possibility of upsetting the other person in a constructive and positive manner. So if you know your husband is going to react negative to a conversation involving his family, I'd either have that conversation in a therapy session with a therapist present, or find a way to use a word or something to indicate that you're both willing and able to come to the conversation with calm heads and open hearts. For us, handing the other person the spoon does that, as ridiculous as it may sound to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH And I have had our ups and downs in the past 15 years and marriage. Overall we figure it out But there have been some ongoing issues that we have been on able to resolve.

Specifically, He becomes very defense if about certain topics (money, his parents and a few others). We are talking something as simple as a question like, are we planning to visit your parents over the holidays can cause an issue. When these topics get brought up he either explodes verbally or completely shuts down. He is unable to see his behavior around these topics and even trying to discuss it is triggering for him. So little progress has been made and I just know certain topics are not ones that we can discuss as adults.

Well he blew up over one of these conversations over Christmas and it is like a switch flipped in me and now I feel completely indifference towards him. I'm not even mad or sad or hurt like usual, I just literally feel nothing.

Is there any way to come back from this feeling or is this a sign its over?

You say you feel nothing. I suspect you feel contempt towards him, which is not the same as anger/malice. I don't know about you but I have realized that once my ex and I started feeling contempt towards each other, it was all over. It just took far too long to realize it.

NP but I also had a switch flipped and felt nothing. I didn't hate my ex husband but I was just over it, completely. It was a straw breaking the camel's back kind of thing and I couldn't recover from it. We were younger (30 and 34) and didn't have kids but I'm so glad I listened to that switch and left.