Please help me help my daughter

[Anonymous]

She’s also been flagged repeatedly by her pediatrician for falling off the growth curve so she’s simply not eating enough calories to grow. We’ve been following up with specialists on that issue which she is also extremely angry about, and denies there’s an issue and is basically accusing us of torturing her with unnecessary tests. She sees all of this as a literal horror story of people torturing her when nothing is wrong with her.

I did not read the full thread, but please get her a full thyroid panel including TSH, T4, free and reverse T3, TPO, and TgAb. My daughter had very similar symptoms that were attributed to anxiety or a possible eating disorder, and it turns out her autoimmune thyroid antibody levels were off the charts. Essentially, her immune system was attacking her thyroid and causing neuroinflammation, and she was hyperthyroid for a long time (hence weight loss and anxiety). These issues were missed for several years because the got to explanation for teen girls is mental health.

[Anonymous]

Also please have blood sugar checked.

[Anonymous]

Recent article in Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/expressive-trauma-integration/202511/is-your-childs-behavior-actually-a-sign-of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have a DD who can get similarly dysregulated. In my experience, the best thing to do with the name calling and anger is to completely ignore it. Give it no positive or negative reaction at all. Engage with her only when she speaks kindly. Threats of violence, however, are another level and you have to draw a clear line in the sand, don’t excuse, “well it was just a pocketknife.” There needs to be an immediate consequence and you need to enforce it every single time that happens or it will escalate. Have a follow up discussion with her, tell her that is where you draw the line and let her know the consequence. In our case, it was zero electronics for 24 hours, including for homework. We cut it off via the router so there was no physical struggle.

It would be helpful for you to have a parent therapist who specializes in disruptive behavior to guide you through things like this. Your DD is a good kid, but her anxiety or OCD or whatever is driving this behavior will continue to ramp up without guardrails and treatment. We saw therapists at Behavior Therapy Center in Silver Spring who were very helpful.

OP here. Not sure what the right answer is, but I am always walking a thin line with DD and choosing carefully about what battles to fight with her. Because every little thing can become a battle with her. Right now I'm prioritizing her health - sleep and eating is the number one priority.

I know she doesn't mean it - is it helpful at this juncture to choose to turn that into another point of conflict? For someone who is so oppositional with us, she is actually very much a rules follower and fears getting in trouble for things.

Believe me, I have tried giving her consequences for that kind of behavior. It always escalates the situation.

PP here. In our case, the ONLY consequences we started with were for aggressive or violent threats/behavior. That was priority number 1. We have other kids and pets and could not risk this behavior being turned on them. (Besides the fact that it’s not ok to threaten your parents either.) And yes, it may escalate the situation. That is part of setting a limit with a kid like this. You have to expect that and persist through it. Which is why it’s really helpful to have a therapist working with you who has done this before. Other behavior change can happen over time, but where do you set limits if not here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My dd does this too, so I understand, but your dd pulled an actual knife on you. I hope you confiscated the pocket knife. Making empty threats is one thing, but brandishing a weapon is a bridge too far. She doesn’t carry it to school, does she?

It really wasn’t like that. It was like a Swiss Army knife. The fact that it was a bridge too far was exactly why she did it. She was trying to get a reaction out of me.

NP. You are living this situation, and are therefore too close to it to see how dysfunctional and not normal it is. The knife, and ALL knives in your home (yes the kitchen ones too) need to be locked up. Now. I have a friend who has a combination lock on her knife cabinet (they can't go in the drawers because they have to be able to be locked). When they need a knife they open the combination lock, get the knife and close the lock, use the knife, wash the knife, then re-open the combination lock to put the knife away and then lock it again. Yes its inconvenient and frustrating, and it is necessary for them to keep their home safe. You need to do that too until your daughter is stable.

You also need to find a therapist for yourself, and a family therapist that will work with all of you. Individual therapy did not work for my son who went through a violent period - because there was no accountability for trying the coping strategies they talked about. In family therapy there was an accountability mechanism, which was absolutely critical to seeing an improvement in his behavior, and also our relationships. She also probably needs medication - the next time she flies off the handle like that you may need to hospitalize her to get appropriate treatment. We had to, and it was hard and heartbreaking and by far the worst parenting decision I've ever had to make. And...it was the only way to be taken seriously in a broken system that thinks if you're managing at home that everything must be fine or close to it.

+1000000
Scissors, razor blades, all sorts of weapons. Appeasement is not your solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My ADHD DS went through a period where he reacted to me in a physically aggressive manner and said mean things. It seemed to bother him if I stayed calm - like he was interpreting my calmness as a lack of care. At a quieter time, I said to him, "Hey, it's understandable that you got very upset the other day, but physical aggressiveness and speaking meanly aren't OK. I don't treat you that way, no matter how angry I might be, and I expect that you won't treat me that way, although I also respect that you might be angry and tell me things about the way you feel that might be upsetting to me. I didn't punish. I didn't say it in an angry tone. I didn't demand any response. DS was able to dial it down, and I think he actually respected me for saying something to him. It wasn't all sweetness and light after that, but he took an SSRI for awhile, which helped, and eventually grew out of the aggression in college, when he had more space and independence and a life that was more interesting and doable to him, and after I demonstrated consistent connection and support and respect over a long period of conflict.

You can say something without the kind of punishment that some PPs suggest. In general, I never found punishing or shaming to be effective tools because some ADHD kids feel things really deeply and struggling with emotional control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. I've reached out to the school counselor about reducing or pausing the homework until we get her back on track. I've scheduled a follow up with her endocrinologist. And we are searching for a therapist for her. Next on my list is to get her a cardiologist appointment, in case she will be prescribed any medication.

Quick question to PP re: bringing DD to our intake session at the private provider. We were planning on not taking her - and I thought the psychologist said typically it's just for the parents. Do you think otherwise? We brought our daughter to the initial consultation, and was able to meet the psychologist then. She turned her chair around and refused to talk to anyone, which was expected, and good for the psychologist to see.

The school counselor recommended we cut her off at 1.5hrs of homework each evening. She typically spends 3-5hrs a day, including weekends. And then email the teacher if she didn't get to finish something.

Cardiologist is scheduled. Still searching for a therapist.

There's a lot of anger and defiance from DD about ANY limits we set on her, and anytime we try to intervene or encroach on her autonomy and freedom. And yet, she lacks any self awareness that she's incapable of setting reasonable limits for herself and that everything is doing is leading to less control. So we have to tread really carefully, especially because I fear it may lead to an ED in her effort to maintain her sense of control and autonomy.

This has been her personality trait since the days she was in my womb. She was itching to get out of my womb ASAP. And as a baby, she hated being swaddled. At 1, she climbed out of her crib and climbed over baby gates and tumbled down the stairs many times. Consequences have never worked with her, they just made her dig in her heels even more. With multiple children, it is much easier to see the contrast and differences in personality. Long road ahead.

It took me some time to realize and respect the fact that my ADHD DS likes to learn from his own mistakes, not the mistakes of others. It's not wrong, it's just not the way I approach my life, and I needed to accept that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My dd does this too, so I understand, but your dd pulled an actual knife on you. I hope you confiscated the pocket knife. Making empty threats is one thing, but brandishing a weapon is a bridge too far. She doesn’t carry it to school, does she?

It really wasn’t like that. It was like a Swiss Army knife. The fact that it was a bridge too far was exactly why she did it. She was trying to get a reaction out of me.

NP. You are living this situation, and are therefore too close to it to see how dysfunctional and not normal it is. The knife, and ALL knives in your home (yes the kitchen ones too) need to be locked up. Now. I have a friend who has a combination lock on her knife cabinet (they can't go in the drawers because they have to be able to be locked). When they need a knife they open the combination lock, get the knife and close the lock, use the knife, wash the knife, then re-open the combination lock to put the knife away and then lock it again. Yes its inconvenient and frustrating, and it is necessary for them to keep their home safe. You need to do that too until your daughter is stable.

You also need to find a therapist for yourself, and a family therapist that will work with all of you. Individual therapy did not work for my son who went through a violent period - because there was no accountability for trying the coping strategies they talked about. In family therapy there was an accountability mechanism, which was absolutely critical to seeing an improvement in his behavior, and also our relationships. She also probably needs medication - the next time she flies off the handle like that you may need to hospitalize her to get appropriate treatment. We had to, and it was hard and heartbreaking and by far the worst parenting decision I've ever had to make. And...it was the only way to be taken seriously in a broken system that thinks if you're managing at home that everything must be fine or close to it.

+1000000
Scissors, razor blades, all sorts of weapons. Appeasement is not your solution.

Pulling a knife on a parent? How can this be explained away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My dd does this too, so I understand, but your dd pulled an actual knife on you. I hope you confiscated the pocket knife. Making empty threats is one thing, but brandishing a weapon is a bridge too far. She doesn’t carry it to school, does she?

It really wasn’t like that. It was like a Swiss Army knife. The fact that it was a bridge too far was exactly why she did it. She was trying to get a reaction out of me.

NP. You are living this situation, and are therefore too close to it to see how dysfunctional and not normal it is. The knife, and ALL knives in your home (yes the kitchen ones too) need to be locked up. Now. I have a friend who has a combination lock on her knife cabinet (they can't go in the drawers because they have to be able to be locked). When they need a knife they open the combination lock, get the knife and close the lock, use the knife, wash the knife, then re-open the combination lock to put the knife away and then lock it again. Yes its inconvenient and frustrating, and it is necessary for them to keep their home safe. You need to do that too until your daughter is stable.

You also need to find a therapist for yourself, and a family therapist that will work with all of you. Individual therapy did not work for my son who went through a violent period - because there was no accountability for trying the coping strategies they talked about. In family therapy there was an accountability mechanism, which was absolutely critical to seeing an improvement in his behavior, and also our relationships. She also probably needs medication - the next time she flies off the handle like that you may need to hospitalize her to get appropriate treatment. We had to, and it was hard and heartbreaking and by far the worst parenting decision I've ever had to make. And...it was the only way to be taken seriously in a broken system that thinks if you're managing at home that everything must be fine or close to it.

+1000000
Scissors, razor blades, all sorts of weapons. Appeasement is not your solution.

Pulling a knife on a parent? How can this be explained away?

A pp said that, living this every day, OP is too close to the situation to see how dysfunctional it is. That pp was spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My ADHD DS went through a period where he reacted to me in a physically aggressive manner and said mean things. It seemed to bother him if I stayed calm - like he was interpreting my calmness as a lack of care. At a quieter time, I said to him, "Hey, it's understandable that you got very upset the other day, but physical aggressiveness and speaking meanly aren't OK. I don't treat you that way, no matter how angry I might be, and I expect that you won't treat me that way, although I also respect that you might be angry and tell me things about the way you feel that might be upsetting to me. I didn't punish. I didn't say it in an angry tone. I didn't demand any response. DS was able to dial it down, and I think he actually respected me for saying something to him. It wasn't all sweetness and light after that, but he took an SSRI for awhile, which helped, and eventually grew out of the aggression in college, when he had more space and independence and a life that was more interesting and doable to him, and after I demonstrated consistent connection and support and respect over a long period of conflict.

You can say something without the kind of punishment that some PPs suggest. In general, I never found punishing or shaming to be effective tools because some ADHD kids feel things really deeply and struggling with emotional control.

OP here and I do have almost these exact conversations at other times with DD, when she is calm. I've learned in the past that it's counterproductive to react with any emotion to the behavior, to shame, or to react with a consequence when she's already upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My dd does this too, so I understand, but your dd pulled an actual knife on you. I hope you confiscated the pocket knife. Making empty threats is one thing, but brandishing a weapon is a bridge too far. She doesn’t carry it to school, does she?

It really wasn’t like that. It was like a Swiss Army knife. The fact that it was a bridge too far was exactly why she did it. She was trying to get a reaction out of me.

NP. You are living this situation, and are therefore too close to it to see how dysfunctional and not normal it is. The knife, and ALL knives in your home (yes the kitchen ones too) need to be locked up. Now. I have a friend who has a combination lock on her knife cabinet (they can't go in the drawers because they have to be able to be locked). When they need a knife they open the combination lock, get the knife and close the lock, use the knife, wash the knife, then re-open the combination lock to put the knife away and then lock it again. Yes its inconvenient and frustrating, and it is necessary for them to keep their home safe. You need to do that too until your daughter is stable.

You also need to find a therapist for yourself, and a family therapist that will work with all of you. Individual therapy did not work for my son who went through a violent period - because there was no accountability for trying the coping strategies they talked about. In family therapy there was an accountability mechanism, which was absolutely critical to seeing an improvement in his behavior, and also our relationships. She also probably needs medication - the next time she flies off the handle like that you may need to hospitalize her to get appropriate treatment. We had to, and it was hard and heartbreaking and by far the worst parenting decision I've ever had to make. And...it was the only way to be taken seriously in a broken system that thinks if you're managing at home that everything must be fine or close to it.

+1000000
Scissors, razor blades, all sorts of weapons. Appeasement is not your solution.

Pulling a knife on a parent? How can this be explained away?

A pp said that, living this every day, OP is too close to the situation to see how dysfunctional it is. That pp was spot on.

As you all are outside of the situation, I get your reaction. It's also why I would never share some of my daughter's struggles with friends or family, because I know they will judge and not understand. I have zero concern that she will actually hurt anyone, I know that she would not. To hide all knives, scissors, or sharp objects in the house is really overkill.

And I might feel the same and wanting to judge if I never had a child who has struggled with expressing very strong negative feelings and having violent and aggressive thoughts since she was 3, seemingly out of nowhere.

But I do feel compelled to ask you all to broaden your understanding a bit. There's nothing close to these behaviors outside of the home because she is very much aware that it's not ok. I feel like she is often continually testing me, to expose me to her deepest and darkest thoughts. Because she herself feels some level of shame about having these thoughts (since she was 3) and sometimes I feel like she wants to know if she's still ok, whether she's worthy of being loved when she has these thoughts. In fact, in moments of calm, she has asked us many times.

All that said, I'd be open to working with a professional to address those behavioral issues that she only exhibits at home.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was a kid who had terrible and violent thoughts. I also acted out violently, I guess you’d say - punched walls, destroyed my bedroom, broke things. My brother and I hit each other (I’m female). My thoughts scared me and I didn’t want them. The thing is I didn’t want to know I was normal or okay - I wanted the thoughts to stop. It took getting a lot older and learning that I actually had control of my thoughts, that BEHAVIOR could create and change thoughts, that I got relief. I grew up believing my thoughts were inevitable, and uncontrollable, and that is horrifying.

Your daughter needs help learning how to control not just her behavior but her own mind. That isn’t so she doesn’t hurt you or someone else, it’s to relieve her suffering. Because it isn’t normal or healthy to have persistent violent thoughts, and she knows it. It’s actually NOT okay, and she doesn’t have to live that way. From one formally dark and disturbed girl to another, I hope she feels better soon.

[Anonymous]

PP again - just adding that my parents were loving, loving, involved parents. My thoughts weren’t their fault. I was wired a certain way, a learning disability and other life events ramped up my anxiety to unbearable, and it was just too much. My parents didn’t know how to help and also didn’t know the depths of my dark thoughts. I am known as a very kind, very gentle adult - this dark stuff isn’t who we are, it’s a product of stress and pain.

[Anonymous]

PP here whose child had lots of issues (ADHD, cardiac, etc). He also engaged in self harm and violent behavior. I know how good you feel for having a glimpse into what used to be. But your situation concerns me and I just want to say that you need to be vigilant. Just because she doesn’t display behaviors outside the home and she knows they are wrong doesn’t mean any of you are safe. All it takes is a second of impulsiveness and you have a suicide or an attempt or self harm or someone else is hurt.

One thing I learned is that each time a line was crossed there was a new line. It never returned to the old normal. I have no advice besides being vigilant and I’m not raining on your parade. I hope you’re right. But I am worried for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Had a really bizarre experience today with DD. After speaking with her school counselor, we decided to stick to a hard homework time limit for DD. I communicated this to DD, and as expected, she reacted in anger. Threatened to kill me, stab me with a knife, pulled out her pocket knife, told me I was useless, told me I was telling everyone lies about her, said I was treating her as if she had a disability, etc, basically a tantrum. She doesn't mean any of it - it's the equivalent to a toddler screaming. In moments of anger, she just tries to think of the most shocking and most inappropriate thing she could do. But I did make it crystal clear that I'd be taking away her laptop at a specific time and would cut her off from homework after the allotted time. And then whatever she didn't finish, we'd just write to the teacher and let them know. The counselor said they'd talk to the teachers and make sure it didn't count against her when she didn't finish.

Miraculously...she finished her homework within that time limit. This was after consistently spending 3-5hrs every day on homework, - she finished in 1.5hrs. The crazy part? Afterwards, over dinner, she literally became a different person. I mean, who she was before at times. She was talking, about her interests, lively engaging, and having an actual conversation with us. This was after being a brooding, mumbling, depressed and sick looking kid for at least 2 months. And literally just 30 minutes after telling me, "Mom, does it bother you that I will never want to talk to you again? That I'd rather talk to my journal than ever talk to you?" and I just responded, "I'm glad you have an outlet"

I know it's just one night. And I know about adolescent mood swings. But I literally hadn't seen this girl in forever. I don't want to jinx it or count my chickens before they hatch. But it was so nice, and so surprising. It felt like we had finally freed her from this terrible nightmare loop she was stuck in and she just needed us to pull her out of it.

This was a really tough month. She had spent days refusing to even to talk to us. But that was nice.

My dd does this too, so I understand, but your dd pulled an actual knife on you. I hope you confiscated the pocket knife. Making empty threats is one thing, but brandishing a weapon is a bridge too far. She doesn’t carry it to school, does she?

It really wasn’t like that. It was like a Swiss Army knife. The fact that it was a bridge too far was exactly why she did it. She was trying to get a reaction out of me.

NP. You are living this situation, and are therefore too close to it to see how dysfunctional and not normal it is. The knife, and ALL knives in your home (yes the kitchen ones too) need to be locked up. Now. I have a friend who has a combination lock on her knife cabinet (they can't go in the drawers because they have to be able to be locked). When they need a knife they open the combination lock, get the knife and close the lock, use the knife, wash the knife, then re-open the combination lock to put the knife away and then lock it again. Yes its inconvenient and frustrating, and it is necessary for them to keep their home safe. You need to do that too until your daughter is stable.

You also need to find a therapist for yourself, and a family therapist that will work with all of you. Individual therapy did not work for my son who went through a violent period - because there was no accountability for trying the coping strategies they talked about. In family therapy there was an accountability mechanism, which was absolutely critical to seeing an improvement in his behavior, and also our relationships. She also probably needs medication - the next time she flies off the handle like that you may need to hospitalize her to get appropriate treatment. We had to, and it was hard and heartbreaking and by far the worst parenting decision I've ever had to make. And...it was the only way to be taken seriously in a broken system that thinks if you're managing at home that everything must be fine or close to it.

+1000000
Scissors, razor blades, all sorts of weapons. Appeasement is not your solution.

Pulling a knife on a parent? How can this be explained away?

A pp said that, living this every day, OP is too close to the situation to see how dysfunctional it is. That pp was spot on.

As you all are outside of the situation, I get your reaction. It's also why I would never share some of my daughter's struggles with friends or family, because I know they will judge and not understand. I have zero concern that she will actually hurt anyone, I know that she would not. To hide all knives, scissors, or sharp objects in the house is really overkill.

And I might feel the same and wanting to judge if I never had a child who has struggled with expressing very strong negative feelings and having violent and aggressive thoughts since she was 3, seemingly out of nowhere.

But I do feel compelled to ask you all to broaden your understanding a bit. There's nothing close to these behaviors outside of the home because she is very much aware that it's not ok. I feel like she is often continually testing me, to expose me to her deepest and darkest thoughts. Because she herself feels some level of shame about having these thoughts (since she was 3) and sometimes I feel like she wants to know if she's still ok, whether she's worthy of being loved when she has these thoughts. In fact, in moments of calm, she has asked us many times.

All that said, I'd be open to working with a professional to address those behavioral issues that she only exhibits at home.

I am the PP who said you need to hide all knives. I have a child who has been violent towards me, and my husband. I have been there. Appeasing her isn’t going to help, it’s going to enable her to continue to behave this way. You are right that showing emotion in the moment makes it worse, if you can hide your ow emotions you’re doing well there. However, she needs medical treatment. And you need to take steps to keep your home safe while you pursue that treatment.

I am not judging you. I am saying that you are too close to the situation to see how dysfunctional it is - because I had the same experience with my child. I was too close to the situation to realize how bad things had gotten. We went through 4 inpatient hospitalizations, and 2 intensive outpatient hospitalizations. It was a LONG road, and a family therapist was the absolute best investment we’ve ever made in our family. We started with 3x/week intensive family therapy (I know…it was $$$$$. We hit our out of pocket max that year which I didn’t even know existed), and now years later we’re down to 2x/month. It’s been a process, but it saved our child.