Can anyone tell me about their adult DC with neurotypical-passing ASD?

[Anonymous]

Our dc has audhd and is 11. He seems mostly like a regular kid but he doesn't quite connect deeply like a 'typical' kid so his friendships are still surface level. He understands irony and sarcasm and can use it so isn't a 'target', but can be annoying (sometimes hard to tell if the annoyingness is adhd or asd) but quite self focused and like 'i am the victim' (we work on this). Does anyone have a kid like this who is now an adult? I worry that he will struggle to have a relationship, although he is very loving and willing to be active and proactive and we work really hard on all the skills that go with a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar aged-kid and a similar diagnosis, so I'm following to see what others say. A professional told us recently that the autism can become more apparent as they become teens because of the greater social expectations and nuanced communications. I'm sure that varies by individual, and I think there are still many autistic people who can "pass" to some extent throughout the teen and adult years, but I found it an interesting point to consider. We have certainly seen the social part become more difficult over the years, as judgment is not always quite "on" with our kid in terms of what is/isn't appropriate in friendships and in school vs out-of-school situations, and as the social demands begin to ramp up with nuanced romantic relationships between some kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Search for Carrie Cariello on Facebook, her son Jack has autism. He is twenty. Jack is a part of a supported community in College.

He son might have a more severe case of ASD then you describe but it is incredible to learn from her how much her son has grown and changed over the years, especially the last two years.

It gives me hope for my neurodivergent child.

[Anonymous]

My DH is the adult version of your son. I agree that it is harder to slip by unnoticed with social media and how intensely connected everyone is, but I also think that “passing” matters far less than it used to.

DH definitely shares your DS’s traits of being self-focused and seeing himself as the victim. Actually, the word victim isn’t quite accurate- more like he has a reflexive need to deflect blame or blame others (even in situations where there is no blame to be shifted). His mom is from a culture that doesn’t acknowledge autism, but she has acknowledged that DH is different. She says that she wishes she had made him do more around the house and have more responsibility beyond homework and sports. I agree with that- it would have helped DH see that his needs are not there for everyone else to meet. My MIL is always blaming other people in my DH’a childhood for things that happened. So maybe a family script that expresses personal accountability would have been useful?

Anyway, don’t rule out relationships but please be gentle and generous with your future DIL if you have one. I love DH but his behavior has sometimes made me really lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar aged-kid and a similar diagnosis, so I'm following to see what others say. A professional told us recently that the autism can become more apparent as they become teens because of the greater social expectations and nuanced communications. I'm sure that varies by individual, and I think there are still many autistic people who can "pass" to some extent throughout the teen and adult years, but I found it an interesting point to consider. We have certainly seen the social part become more difficult over the years, as judgment is not always quite "on" with our kid in terms of what is/isn't appropriate in friendships and in school vs out-of-school situations, and as the social demands begin to ramp up with nuanced romantic relationships between some kids, etc.

op - yes it's really complex and not at all like I would have thought before I had a child with asd.
It's like - if he is interested to consider a social dynamic he is quite good at it. But he often doesn't see it as important or is driven more by his own internal compass of what's important than by what others he is with might be experiencing. If I pose a situation to him or if he becomes embroiled in a situation, he will handle it fine. But he doesn't inherently care about others experiences, it's him as the main character in most scenarios. we work on that a LOT eg - how is this person feeling. how can you resolve this? how can you be accountable? we all do things wrong and that's ok. how can we compromise? He is def progressing but it's hard going.

[Anonymous]

Does he have siblings?

[Anonymous]

FWIW my DD is 30 and is ADHD/ASD/Anxiety disorder and depression. She made it through high school on an IEP ( with lots of tutoring); made it through college but took 6 years, has been employed for 7 years, has her own apartment, drives beautifully, adults at about 80%, has friends but never a boyfriend ... but we are so proud of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW my DD is 30 and is ADHD/ASD/Anxiety disorder and depression. She made it through high school on an IEP ( with lots of tutoring); made it through college but took 6 years, has been employed for 7 years, has her own apartment, drives beautifully, adults at about 80%, has friends but never a boyfriend ... but we are so proud of her.

This is really sweet and makes me happy to read. I’m the PP with the DH and I will be stealing the phrase “adults at 80%” to say in my head. That is totally my DH but luckily the 20% is usually just annoying and obviously not a dealbreaker. I think adulting at >90ish % is pretty aspirational anyway.

[Anonymous]

“Neurotypical passing autism” isn’t actually a thing. Your kid sounds NT with some quirks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar aged-kid and a similar diagnosis, so I'm following to see what others say. A professional told us recently that the autism can become more apparent as they become teens because of the greater social expectations and nuanced communications. I'm sure that varies by individual, and I think there are still many autistic people who can "pass" to some extent throughout the teen and adult years, but I found it an interesting point to consider. We have certainly seen the social part become more difficult over the years, as judgment is not always quite "on" with our kid in terms of what is/isn't appropriate in friendships and in school vs out-of-school situations, and as the social demands begin to ramp up with nuanced romantic relationships between some kids, etc.

op - yes it's really complex and not at all like I would have thought before I had a child with asd.
It's like - if he is interested to consider a social dynamic he is quite good at it. But he often doesn't see it as important or is driven more by his own internal compass of what's important than by what others he is with might be experiencing. If I pose a situation to him or if he becomes embroiled in a situation, he will handle it fine. But he doesn't inherently care about others experiences, it's him as the main character in most scenarios. we work on that a LOT eg - how is this person feeling. how can you resolve this? how can you be accountable? we all do things wrong and that's ok. how can we compromise? He is def progressing but it's hard going.

you basically just described most teenage boys.

[Anonymous]

We all worry about our kids. The teen years were very hard.

[Anonymous]

My 19 year old had no friends after the pandemic. Before that, he had been able to keep surface-level friends through school, but when he came back from virtual learning, he had no desire to seek out his those friends, or to make new ones. Perhaps this was always going to be the evolution of his autism, or perhaps this was triggered specifically by social isolation from peers during Covid, who knows.

His inattentive ADHD is pretty severe, and he has accommodations in college for it, but he otherwise seems "nerdy neurotypical" if you're having a short conversation with him. Just... no friends. At all. I do worry about that, both for his private life and professional networking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our dc has audhd and is 11. He seems mostly like a regular kid but he doesn't quite connect deeply like a 'typical' kid so his friendships are still surface level. He understands irony and sarcasm and can use it so isn't a 'target', but can be annoying (sometimes hard to tell if the annoyingness is adhd or asd) but quite self focused and like 'i am the victim' (we work on this). Does anyone have a kid like this who is now an adult? I worry that he will struggle to have a relationship, although he is very loving and willing to be active and proactive and we work really hard on all the skills that go with a relationship.

just fyi when you're talking to people in real life i wouldn't use the phrase 'regular kid' as if our asd kids aren't also regular kids.

also I'm willing to bet he isn't neurotypical passing.

[Anonymous]

My friend married such a guy and he's an Ivy grad with a high paying job. Their two kids are adorable, well-behaved and NT. My friend is beautiful and really social. He can hold a decent conversation but then you might notice he's a bit too loud, talks a bit too much about one subject and is a bit clueless when dealing with waiters. If you had just met him you might think he's just a bit quirky or having an off day but then you meet with him multiple times and you'll notice the inflexibility, the inability to ever remember anything about you or ask anything about you and that kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our dc has audhd and is 11. He seems mostly like a regular kid but he doesn't quite connect deeply like a 'typical' kid so his friendships are still surface level. He understands irony and sarcasm and can use it so isn't a 'target', but can be annoying (sometimes hard to tell if the annoyingness is adhd or asd) but quite self focused and like 'i am the victim' (we work on this). Does anyone have a kid like this who is now an adult? I worry that he will struggle to have a relationship, although he is very loving and willing to be active and proactive and we work really hard on all the skills that go with a relationship.

just fyi when you're talking to people in real life i wouldn't use the phrase 'regular kid' as if our asd kids aren't also regular kids.

also I'm willing to bet he isn't neurotypical passing.

I think it's weird when people say that. It almost seems defensive. I have certainly met kids with diagnoses and you wouldn't think of them as having a diagnosis until having known them for years. I would definitely think they would be NT passing for many teachers and with casual, short-term interactions with adults and other kids.